Hey!
Just hoping to get some constructive criticism, either good or bad, on my writing for this essay i wrote for my common app. I have already submitted it, but would love to hear my strengths and weaknesses in writing and also to hear how i compare in writing among others who possibly applied
Prompt: Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.
The shortest distance between two points is a straight line; invading my path however, were a few detours preventing me from staying aligned with the "average" young adult's timeline. Immediately after high school graduation, on June 22, 2008 I landed in Torrance, California. Desperate and helpless from the past few years of drug addiction, I entered a long-term, highly structured recovery program. Engaging in daily activities that consisted of chores, daily-reflections, meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous, family meetings, and building new relationships, I was able to begin constructing a new life. Along with my sobriety came many distant feelings, specifically a powerful and familiar one, ambition. Following the strong foundation I built for my recovery, I decided to follow my dream and enroll in college.
My initial motivation stemmed from a simple idea, start at community college then transfer to a prestigious academic university that would provide me with the tools I need to achieve my career goals. I entered El Camino College with an open mind and a thirst for knowledge. Utilizing my resources I enrolled in the "First Year Experience" program, receiving guidance with enrolling in core academic classes and advice for transferring to four-year universities. My classes at El Camino College have been eye opening and constructive, taking classes that always seemed to unintentionally interrelate with each other. Whether it was the concept of finding liberation through non-conformity portrayed in Lori Moore's "Self Help" in English class relating with Dennis Hopper's "Easy Rider" in Film, or learning about the excavations of the Neolithic era in Art History while learning about the people who did the excavating in Anthropology, I always seemed to gain a valuable education from a multi-perspective view. Being an extrovert, I took advantage of my time in class by actively participating in discussions and putting forth my full effort giving each subject my all, understanding what I put in, I get out. Working in sales, this same idea fed my motivation to preserver through the pressure and responsibility of fully supporting myself through my college career, understanding that if I do not produce, I do not get paid.
Now, having reached the point of departure from community college, I am seeking an educational setting that not only challenges my thirsty mind, but also satisfies my hunger for being surrounded by other like-minded students who value their education and are driven by success. By becoming part of an ambitious community and submerging myself into a new culture full of competition and inspiration, I am confident I will be able to realign my points, shortening the distance to successfully completing my college education. In doing so I aim to receive my Bachelor degree and a Masters in Business Administration to follow in pursuit of a career in investment banking.
Just hoping to get some constructive criticism, either good or bad, on my writing for this essay i wrote for my common app. I have already submitted it, but would love to hear my strengths and weaknesses in writing and also to hear how i compare in writing among others who possibly applied
Prompt: Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve.
The shortest distance between two points is a straight line; invading my path however, were a few detours preventing me from staying aligned with the "average" young adult's timeline. Immediately after high school graduation, on June 22, 2008 I landed in Torrance, California. Desperate and helpless from the past few years of drug addiction, I entered a long-term, highly structured recovery program. Engaging in daily activities that consisted of chores, daily-reflections, meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous, family meetings, and building new relationships, I was able to begin constructing a new life. Along with my sobriety came many distant feelings, specifically a powerful and familiar one, ambition. Following the strong foundation I built for my recovery, I decided to follow my dream and enroll in college.
My initial motivation stemmed from a simple idea, start at community college then transfer to a prestigious academic university that would provide me with the tools I need to achieve my career goals. I entered El Camino College with an open mind and a thirst for knowledge. Utilizing my resources I enrolled in the "First Year Experience" program, receiving guidance with enrolling in core academic classes and advice for transferring to four-year universities. My classes at El Camino College have been eye opening and constructive, taking classes that always seemed to unintentionally interrelate with each other. Whether it was the concept of finding liberation through non-conformity portrayed in Lori Moore's "Self Help" in English class relating with Dennis Hopper's "Easy Rider" in Film, or learning about the excavations of the Neolithic era in Art History while learning about the people who did the excavating in Anthropology, I always seemed to gain a valuable education from a multi-perspective view. Being an extrovert, I took advantage of my time in class by actively participating in discussions and putting forth my full effort giving each subject my all, understanding what I put in, I get out. Working in sales, this same idea fed my motivation to preserver through the pressure and responsibility of fully supporting myself through my college career, understanding that if I do not produce, I do not get paid.
Now, having reached the point of departure from community college, I am seeking an educational setting that not only challenges my thirsty mind, but also satisfies my hunger for being surrounded by other like-minded students who value their education and are driven by success. By becoming part of an ambitious community and submerging myself into a new culture full of competition and inspiration, I am confident I will be able to realign my points, shortening the distance to successfully completing my college education. In doing so I aim to receive my Bachelor degree and a Masters in Business Administration to follow in pursuit of a career in investment banking.
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