When I was a little girl, I remember being asked what I wanted to be when I got older. Back then growing up seemed like a long time, but the years have flown by quickly. Now I am a few months away from being a legal adult. Opportunities are everywhere. Sometimes I wish I had more than one life to live because there is so much that I would like to do. This year I have asked myself what I want to do. After a long time of thinking, I know I want to be a pediatrician.
"an excellent medical program and student body" - Personal Statement-UIC
This is a great paragraph but I think you should incoprate more of littles stories that describes more to why you wanted to become a doctor. As of now I just see you telling more than showing. Try to use examples some type of experience in your life that have cause you to feel so strongly about being a doctor. If you can, try to go a little bit more in depth with your surgery story by explaining how the surgery cause you to have a different outlook on life.
It is not good to say
When I was a little girl, I remember ...----it is a grammatical confusion.
Just do this:
When I was a little girl I remember being asked, at the age of nine, what I wanted to be when I got older.
My main goal in life is to help others and make them smile. ----- This is excellent, and your whole essay conveys a great attitude, but it is superficial instead of deep. You are missing an opportunity to prove to them that you are already reading articles that adults in this profession would read. You can show that you are ahead of the game if you cite a recent book or article, and talk about the specializations that interest you.
I know I still have a lot of learning and hard work to do. I believe that I can achieve those goals and with the help of a good university, I will learn the skills that will make others smile and show them happiness. Instead of saying general things like this, explain your specific plan with several specific goals that you will achieve using this school's resources and programs. It will be great if you cite an article by a professor from the school!
:-)
When I was a little girl, I remember ...----it is a grammatical confusion.
Just do this:
My main goal in life is to help others and make them smile. ----- This is excellent, and your whole essay conveys a great attitude, but it is superficial instead of deep. You are missing an opportunity to prove to them that you are already reading articles that adults in this profession would read. You can show that you are ahead of the game if you cite a recent book or article, and talk about the specializations that interest you.
:-)
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