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"Exploring my abilities" Transfer Waitlist Personal Statement for UC Davis



CawaLimon 1 / 1  
Apr 24, 2016   #1
Hello! I am submitting a personal statement for a waitlist at UC Davis (200-word maximum). I would highly appreciate any feedback on my current draft. Thank you for your time.

It is my conviction that University of California, Davis would be the perfect place for me to establish my knowledge as an electrical engineer. I have a strong interest in networks and wireless communication; As such, having the opportunity to attend Davis, I would have access to a wide variety of exceptional facilities to explore these interests, such as the Microwave Microsystems Laboratory and the Broadband Radio Access Technologies Laboratory. I also hope to apply my knowledge and work experience at Davis by engaging in student projects and helping to develop new programs within the electrical engineering department, such as a CubeSat program in collaboration with the aerospace department. I was incredibly intrigued as I read several publications pertaining to wireless communication systems by Dr. Zhi Ding, which lead me to conclude that at Davis, I would have the ideal environment to hone my electrical engineering abilities; not just through coursework, but also through the inspiring research and mentorship of faculty in the likeness of Dr. Zhi Ding. I sincerely hope that I get the opportunity to build my education and career at University of California, Davis, both undergraduate and beyond.

akbartaufiq25 7 / 80  
Apr 25, 2016   #2
Hi, I personally love the way you present the ideas. I was mind-blowed with your writing, it's a very detail writing in a compact form. Still, I found an issue regarding the punctuation in the following sentence:

....wireless communication; Aas such, having the opportunity....
I think that the capital letter is used if the word after a semicolon is a proper noun. Good luck and keep writing.
ichanpants89 16 / 742  
Apr 25, 2016   #3
Limonov, welcome to EssayForum! This is the place where you can find a lot of valuable feedback regarding to many types of essays. Most of the members here are struggling hard to convey their point of view towards other members' essays, which I hope you would be able to do that too. By having peer-correction amidst others, you will definitely enhance your writing skills, particularly in academic writing.

With regards to your essay, I noticed that the ideas were well-informed and pretty much understandable. The reader will not experience any difficulties in reading your writing. However, the thing that you need to take into account is how the way you close / end your essay, especially in personal statement essay like this. Thus, by reading my sample conclusion below, perhaps will help you to obtain any insights. Enjoy!

Yours:
- I sincerely hope that I get the opportunity to build my education and career ...


Mine:
- In sum, I am looking forwards to being successfully admitted to study with the University of *********************** for the sake of my personal as well as my professional development.
jkiger 1 / 1  
May 11, 2016   #4
-... which leadled me to conclude that at Davis... (lead is not past tense)


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