'The finite sources of energy' - Why Engineering and why Cornell

Hey guys!
I just finished writing my essay for Cornell's commonapp essay for its engineering school, its question is this.
Engineers turn ideas (technical, scientific, mathematical) into reality. Tell us about an engineering idea you have or your interest in engineering. Explain how Cornell Engineering can help you further explore this idea or interest.

aannddd below is the essay I wrote, can you all pleaseee give me feedback on what's wrong with my essay/anything I need to add?

THANK YOU ALL!!

The finite sources of energy in the world today is dwindling at a pace where they may soon be no more, and in today's society, where would we be without energy? The idea of alternative sources of energy is one that seems so close yet so far from our grasps.

Engineering has evolved dramatically over the past years, as the advent of technology and science seem to have no bounds. The world is constantly changing, and we must learn to adapt to such changes that may have been caused by ourselves. Global warming is a huge issue, but what may be even more staggering is the rate of which fossil fuels are decreasing. The decline in fossil fuel rates present ominous economic problems with potentially catastrophic consequences.

Being a student of physics, I have studied alternative sources of energy, and am very much aware of their potential. Wind power, solar, hydro-thermal, geothermal, are all great methods that make the most of what nature has to offer, but why are we not using such sources? This is what intrigues me. I am willing to explore the types of technology that will increase the chances of such sources being a reality, and change society for the better.

I am willing to take this ambitious, and somewhat 'risky' study, as Cornell's Engineering department encourages me to take this risk from its research programs. After browsing through Cornell's Engineering web page, I have learnt that undergraduates are already able to submerge into studies that allow them to apply what we learn towards real--world situations. I am able to fit well with this approach towards learning, as I constantly feel that we must put what we learn to good use. To be able to face the real world and tackle real problems is an opportunity that I find difficult to let go.

Furthermore, Cornell's Student Grant Program especially interests me. This program enables undergraduates to carry on individual research with the funding and support from the school. This program then enables me to pursue the intriguing research of alternative sources of energy, as I intend to make the most of the time I spend in Cornell's school of engineering and create change.

All you told me is that you your interested in alternative sources of energy and how you want to study it. I'm not impressed with the first halve.

You're being vague on this. You need to be more specific on what idea you have for engineering. I had the same essay as you, but instead of talking about alternate energy, I talk about a way to reduce manufacturing cost of solar panels while at the same time, producing them in a environmental friendly manner. I believe Cornell will be more interested in the specificity of the idea.

For your ending, I think you did well. All you need to do is connect back to you, to your aspiration.

These are just my thoughts. Good luck with Cornell, and I hope to see you there.

Oh and can you give my Princeton Supplement a read? I just revised it and I need to turn it soon.

Thanks a lot for your help! I've read your essay already and posted my advice

The beginning is filled with several facts, many of which most people already know. I would cut some of them out; it would make it a little more interesting.

I agree with what was said above, try putting in ideas you have with engineering, not just what you want to study.

And try to put a little more passion in it. Why are you interested in studying alternative energy? What inspires you?

Please look at my common app essay :)

done :)

EDIT

I've changed the third paragraph and added a new paragraph afterwards. This is what it is now

Being a student of physics, I have studied alternative sources of energy, and am very much aware of their potential. Wind power, solar, hydro-thermal, geothermal, are all great methods that make the most of what nature has to offer, but why are we not using such sources? This is what intrigues me, and frankly ticks me off. Such possibilities are able to us yet we aren't able to effectively use them. Possibilities that seem so close but are yet so far.

With engineering, I believe that I am able not only able to tackle the idea of finite resources, but I am also able to create alternative sources of energy more of a reality than a possibility. Our world is deteriorating right before our eyes, and I feel that change is needed. Action is needed.

Thanks again for all of those who are at this page and helping fellow university applicants :D

The 3rd paragraph is a better rewrite than your last. You specify what you want to do, make alternative energies more possible. You also add a voice. With the new paragraph, you present a better image of you the essay.

Overall, well done :)

I know I asked you to give my Princeton Supplement a read, but could you give my Columbia Supplement a read?
I need to turn it in also.

hey makman, so you think after the changes I've made with the third paragraph and the additional 4th paragraph my essay should already be fine? Do you think I need anymore changes..? And yes I will gladly read your Columbia supplemet :) thanks again for your help!

The only change I can think of is just a little more specificity like improving the efficiency in energy conversion to watts to make alternate energy more realistic. Specificity can help you a lot and separate you from other applicants that go on vague terms.

i think your changes are effective. it paints a more personal picture, and shows the reader how you are connected to the topic. the revision is a lot better than there first one.

hey thanks a lot for your help. You read my first draft of my essay though.. I have a revised essay just above your post. Thanks again for looking through it and I will certainly think about your suggestions :D

I think that if it really is 'risky', you shouldnt mention it- on the contrary, persuade them why this is a viable path through your passion and enthusiasm. at least, state how you firmly believe that despite doubts, you can make this work. Also, be a bit more specific- include some more personal examples, add a touch that shows your unique personality a bit more, and a bit less abstract and vague than this is. Other than that, its really good, and shows some creative ideas. Good luck! my sister went to Cornell, it is a great school, so I wish you the best!

Wow. First of all, amazing essay. Your previous editors have pretty much highlighted all the areas of improvement already... but if there's one thing, you can still improve the ending.

"... and create change." --> Why don't you say "create a lasting impact as a global citizen" ... LOL that's just my style and preference.

Either way you already have a near flawless essay on your lands. Good luck!

Amazing Work ! I am a high school student who wants to pursue Electrical or mechanical engineering at Purdue Next year.
Please look at the Last essay I just posted its about engineering and my future
thank you