'improving your knowledge and soul' - a significant experience, achievement

Hello Everyone,

This is my common application essay. It might not be as perfect as other students in this forum since English is not my first language. It would be so nice if anybody tells me whether I'm on the right track, or there's part that doesn't sound English, or any mistakes in the grammar

I know I should work on the last paragraph
Thank you so much :-)

Anyone can give up; it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength. It was four years ago when I heard all those whispering about the opportunity I had to move to America. I remembered the talk I had with my father telling me the differences of my country and America since he graduated from one of the American university as well. He said I could enjoy my life with their support by staying in my country except I would be the same person for the entire life. "If you care anything about improving your knowledge and soul, you'd better pack now." Yet, the final decision was left to me.

Honestly, I couldn't decide whether this life-changing sentence was something I should look forward to or something that would cause me to face more problems than rewards. Anyway, I took the chance and came to this new world. That's right! This country looked like one compare to my third world country. I was like a baby left alone to be raised and experienced all by her-self. First alarming weakness I realized was my lack of confidence. I wasn't able either to talk or understand the new language, so I had deal with sarcastic look very often. As the result, it became my nightmare from which I was trying to escape. However, what I didn't understand was I was learning a new language and that definitely took time and what they didn't understand was they made me stronger.

There were also some times I had to speak up. I had to fight for my rights and destiny. But the culture I was grown up in was guiding me in different path. I was taught to be humble, even if it costs my life. This was part of a "well-behaved" girl character. I let people think and talk however they wanted, and I was proud myself showing the best behavior. Other reason that pulled me down was not have any family or friends to share my concerns with. Yet, I didn't want to. I didn't ask for help; thinking getting help would show my weakness. I tried to solve my problems which put too much pressure on me. I was just a teenager in the transition of the character and bearing all this pressure made me paralyzed.

My daily routine was sitting in the balcony and thinking about stepping off. I came to this country with an ambitious goal, but what I didn't reach was getting closer to any of those purposes. I started thinking this path might not belong to me and I stepped in a wrong journey. However, I continued walking through the tunnel, hopping that light would finally be visible and it did. I was tired of running away; being disappointed and thinking I was useless. I feel I needed this failure in my life to get back up more powerful. My father's piece of advice "improving your body and soul" keeps passing in my mind. Now, I forgot my ex-me?. That shy and unconfident girl is dead.

Anyone can give up; it is the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together, that's true strength.
Honestly, I couldn't decide whether this life-changing sentence was something I should look forward to or something that would cause me to face more problems than rewards. Anyway, I took the chance and came to this new world. That's right! This country looked like one compare to my third world countryI would change this it sounds a little too informal . I was like a baby left alone to be raised and experienced all by her-self. First alarming weakness I realized was my lack of confidence. I wasn't able either to talk or understand the new language, so I had deal with sarcastic I dont think sarcastic is the correct word. look very often. As the result, it became my nightmare from which I was trying to escape. However, what I didn't understand was I was learning a new language and that definitely took time and what they didn't understand was they made me stronger.

There were also some times I had to speak up. I had to fight for my rights and destiny. But the culture I had grown up in was guiding me in different path. I was taught to be humble, even if it costs my life. This was part of a "well-behaved" girl character explain on that character tell about your culture . I let people think and talk however they wanted, and I was proud myself showing the best behavior.Other reason that pulled me down was not have any family or friends to share my concerns with. Yet, I didn't want to. I didn't ask for help; thinking getting help would show my weakness. I tried to solve my problems which put too much pressure on me. I was just a teenager in the transition of the character and bearing all this pressure made me paralyzed.

My daily routine was sitting in the balcony and thinking about stepping off.You mention stepping off it seems like a random idea to mention since you dnt speak more about it. You could mention how you felt defeated explain. I came to this country with an ambitious goal, but what I didn't reach was getting closer to any of those purposes This past sentence is confusing . I started thinking this path might not belong to me and I stepped in a wrong journey. However, I continued walking through the tunnel, hopping that light would finally be visible and it did nice comparison . I was tired of running away; being disappointed and thinking I was useless. I feel I needed this failure in my life to get back up more powerful. My father's piece of advice "improving your body and soul" keeps passing in my mind. Now, I forgot my ex-me?. same thing ex-me sounds odd That shy and unconfident girl is dead. there could be a better was to say this idea

The language in your essay could be stronger, some parts in the second paragraph could be explained some what better, clearer i would say expand on that idea to achieve this.

Thank you so much, I will work on them.