'Speech-Language Pathology' - academic interests and goals - UIUC Essay #1

essay about academic interests and goals.

"Go ahead, give it another try!" Her high-pitched voice echoed in my ears, but the disapproving expression on her face is what communicated with my brother. "Gho," he repeated with a heavy accent as he understood her command. She encouraged him again, "No, not 'gho', say 'go.'" My forehead creased with worry as I noticed my brother hunch in the chair with disappointment. He had, again, pronounced the word wrong prompted by the speech therapist. In the tensed moment, my mind raced at the speed of light. The fact my brother would never be able to speak like you and I haunted my thoughts.

My present interest in Speech-Language Pathology grew out of my early involvement as a child. Since my younger brother was born with profound deafness, I visited numerous Speech Therapists with him. During my visits, I observed them use phonetic transcriptions to teach him the basic speech sounds I easily used in my daily life. Ever since I moved to United States from Pakistan in 2004, I have had my heart set on becoming a Speech-Language Pathologist.

During their life, people achieve materially, gain in their personality, and reap knowledge. I want nothing more than to reap knowledge about communication disorders to aid my biggest goal. To perfect those with communication disorders converse their feelings and intellect with others is an ambition of mine. I imagine myself to be the speech-language pathologist who liberates the struggles of those dealing with communication disorders routinely. The gratification I would feel from such an act has no comparison with anything that exists. I'd be immensely proud when I know I have helped someone in a positive way like those who helped my brother communicate with me today.

The narrative opening is solid, and this is generally the sort of thing you want content-wise. Now, you just need to smooth out the grammar a style a bit more, being sure to eliminate wordy passive constructions. For instance:

"but my brother saw only her the disapproving expression on her faceis what communicated with my brother. "

"My ambition is to perfecthelp those with communication disorders converse their feelings and intellect with others is an ambition of mine ."

Concise writing is generally more interesting and clear than wordy writing.

This essay is well constructed, like Sean said. It's very simple and has a generally smooth rhythm to it. The first two paragraphs start out very concise and neat, getting to the point you want to make. I have a couple problems though.

PARAGRAPH 1
First is with the phrase:


It borders on cliche and I think there are many better options you could choose. The sentence that concludes this paragraph feels awkward to me- I can't quite place the problem but like with the phrase above, I believe it could be worded better.

PARAGRAPH 2
Just watch your repetition here. You repeat "visited" with "visit" and the word "speech" is used frequently. I understand that these are harder places to interchange words with, but this is just something you should think about. Also, you may want a transition sentence between your second-to-last and last sentences.

PARAGRAPH 3
First and most obviously, the repetition of "communications disorders". This is where the essay decides to jump off a cliff. It feels to me like you are trying to jam as much as you can into this paragraph- and it ruins it. Once you can organize your last paragraph to be more orderly like the previous two, it will be much better.

Not bad, just needs a little work.

thank you so much. i will revise it again and post the new one.