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I'm a little superwoman - personal quality, how it makes me proud/relate to me



chocopena 1 / 2  
Nov 26, 2010   #1
Can anyone correct my personal statement essay for me? It's due by the end of this month and I don't know who else to ask for correction. Thank you so much.

Prompt 2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it realte to the person you are?

"Why can't you just use the back side of your homework paper?" I wonder how many times my friends and teachers has asked me that question every time I turn in my homework. My pre-calculus teacher that I had two years ago still complains about me and my "microscopic" handwriting to his current students to never turn in homework papers like mine. Rarely do I even use the back side of a paper so I can use the plain back side for maybe the next homework assignment or to take notes and make good use off of it. I even tell my younger siblings to save papers that are blank on the back side so they can doodle on the back. Although people might think I'm weird as to how extreme anti-waster I am, I never felt ashamed. Why would I be?

I want to make good use off of everything I have; not only materialistic things, but also time and opportunities. I consider school as an opportunity, not a given, so I take full advantage. To save paper and ink money, I print mostly everything at the school's library. I joined as many community service clubs I could and because of that, I was able to go to RYLA, Rotary Youth Leadership Awards, the most motivational leadership camp that I have ever experienced. If I never joined Interact club, I wouldn't have known about RYLA. I wouldn't have met Jim Brogan, an inspiring man who had taught me so many successful tools in life or be amazed by how close you can get with people you knew for only four days with leadership skills. I also like to save time. I update my schedule on my phone during the car ride to school and study flashcards for an upcoming test while I wait in a line.

By being engaged in school and community, I never had any regrets. It only helped me become a better person. Like Carl in Yes Man, I say yes to many opportunities. If I don't, I get disappointed to miss another great opportunity that I could learn and experience from. My sole purpose to volunteer at first was for community service hours to "look good" for college. Now, it's because I want to. I'd always whine, "There's nothing to do in this town." until I discovered the "behind-the-scene" of my community when I volunteered. It's fun to watch the Christmas Parade, but I learned that it's more fun to participate in the parade. I get excited to be able to do so many things that keeps me active. Although I'm happy to be able to serve my community, I'm more excited in myself that I got to meet new people or had fun volunteering with friends. My personal quality of disliking wasting things makes me proud as it allows me live my life to the fullest. If it wasn't for this unique personality of mine, I would careless, like most people, to feed the homeless when I could be sleeping at home. I constantly remind myself how there's limits to everything that I shouldn't waste anything to make the best of everything so it makes me proud to be able to enjoy life with what I already have and what's given to me. All the motivation, inspiration and self-confidence had been by being involved. I made long-lasting friends in clubs who had given me so many life lessons. I receive more and more self-confidence as I learn new things in my community.

I feel uncomfortable whenever I'm not productive with time; uneasy to see clean sheets of paper thrown away and regret to find an item on clearance after I bought it. Unhappy to see things go to waste; that's exactly what defines me. Although I'm happy with what I'm doing, I still strive to do more. I want to take a guitar lesson someday, learn karate, organize a club, obtain a pilot license, go to educational camps, and so on. I'm not superwoman; I can't do everything at once, but little by little, I'll say yes.

diego1 2 / 9  
Nov 26, 2010   #2
Hi Aya,
A couple things I noticed:
"Rarely do I even use the back side of a paper so I can use the plain back side for maybe the next homework assignment or to take notes and make good use off of it."

reorganizing this sentence could make it more clear for example "I rarely use the back side of a paper, instead fitting all of my work onto one side, I save the back side for the next homework assignment..."

"To save paper and ink money, I print mostly everything at the school's library" might want to think of another example because while this saves your money it is not actually preventing waste as the school's ink and money is still being used

Your example of making good use of time by attending RYLA is lost somewhat and seems disconnected from the thesis. Expand on this idea and emphasize how it is an example of making good use of time to relate it back to your personality/thesis. The same goes for your engagement in school and community, make sure all these examples are strongly tied back to the "anti-waste" thesis. You do a good job of tying it back in in the second half of the 3rd paragraph, make sure you do this throughout.

I love the conclusion and how you expand the idea of wasting materials to wasting time in life, good luck!
OP chocopena 1 / 2  
Nov 26, 2010   #3
Thanks for your corrections!
Both prompt 1 and 2 essays has to be a maximum of 1,000 words and I have so far close to 700 words on this prompt 2 essay.
With both of my essays, I'm currently over 1,000 words so I was wondering if there's any parts in this essay that's irrelevant that I could take off some parts and words.

Any suggestions?
diego1 2 / 9  
Nov 26, 2010   #4
I think you just have to choose which examples you want to cut from the 3rd paragraph, or just shorten them into a list instead of featuring each in its own sentence, you also could probably summarize the RYLA portions and shorten it up a little.

It is a bummer to have to shorten your work, but the best way to go about it is read individual sections (paragraphs, sentences) and if they aren't incredibly interesting or don't stand on their own take them out of the essay.
OP chocopena 1 / 2  
Nov 27, 2010   #5
Okay I'll work on that. Thanks for the advise!

Oh and your comment on
"To save paper and ink money, I print mostly everything at the school's library" might want to think of another example because while this saves your money it is not actually preventing waste as the school's ink and money is still being used

That's what i want to say is how I saved my own money. I don't know how i should put in this essay about how what I mean by my personality as "anti-waste" is only thinking about my own good. Although I am very against global warming, my sole purpose of me saving paper isn't for the trees, but mainly for my family's money and for my own benefit.

Even though I think it's a waste when I see other people miss their opportunity, it's not a strong feeling opposed to when I miss an opportunity.

As selfish as it may sound, I am only thinking about myself; not as much for everyone and anything else.
I just don't know how to express this opinion into short sentences


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