Marketing + New lifestyles + God is the most important - NYU

I'm applying to NYU Stern for the fall 2011 semester and would like some insight on my short answers!(: Don't be afraid to be harsh, I want to make them as perfect as possible. I know the last one is short, but I can't think of anything to add without making it too fluffy or repetitive.

Also, I feel as if the first answer is a little dry. Is it ok to answer it so straightforwardly? Or will I end up sounding like just another applicant?

Thanks in advance for any help!

Please tell us what led you to select both your anticipated academic area(s) of study and the NYU school / college / program or the Abu Dhabi campus. What interests you most about your intended discipline? Mention any extracurricular or non-school-related activities or experiences that demonstrate your interest.

Marketing combines communication, creativity, and problem solving skills-three areas that I thoroughly enjoy. In order to sell a product, it's important to be able to analyze the given data and then map out a way to send a message to consumers through an innovative approach. I have practiced this process repeatedly through both paid and volunteer experience in graphic design. I have also served as chair of the marketing committees in Valley Youth Council, Community Resource Network, and San Ramon Student Ambassadors, as well as the publicity branch of student government.

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NYU is 'In and of the City' and 'In and of the World.' What does the concept of a global network university mean to you? How do you think studying in New York City, Abu Dhabi, or one of NYU's global sites would change you as a person and equip you to build cross-cultural relationships at NYU and beyond?

Danville could be mistaken for a scene in "The Stepford Wives". With its low crime rate, avid HOA, and large Caucasian demographic, it pales in contrast to NYC's diverse and invigorating climate. As someone who grew up in cities outside of such suburban culture (Atlanta and Philadelphia), I have found the atmosphere to be stifling. Living in an area like NYC would afford an opportunity to interact with new lifestyles. I believe that each person I meet enhances my education by adding a unique perspective. NYU, as a result of its location, serves as a magnet for such extraordinary individuals.

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If you had the opportunity to bring any person -- past or present, fictional or nonfictional -- to a place that is special to you (your hometown or country, a favorite location, etc), who would you bring and why? Tell us what you would share with that person.

God is one of the most important people in my life. Not because I believe that he created me, but because of the endless hours of discussion and thought that he has inspired in my life. I may be an atheist, but my ardor for religion runs deep. Given the opportunity, I would bring God to my town's local Starbucks-which has often served as a venue for intellectual debate between my friends and I-and garner answers to the questions that humanity has only guessed at through thousands of years of attempts.

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Marketing combines communication..

^you don't need the "thoroughly," that just makes it sound pretentious and unnecesarily stuffy. Clarity is your friend. The majority of your sentences are direct and concise, which is good. If I were you, I would pick only one of the extracurriculars you discuss. NYU will see all of them anyway as long as they're on your resume, so why pack them all on here in a meaningless laundry list. Pick one and cut the rest. Then use the new space to discuss HOW and WHY that activity has taught you creativity and problems solving skills and communication. Example: As a paid and volunteer graphic designer, I not only had to placate irate clients and impress interested buyers, but also design a whole range of graphics to suit my clientele, from the NGO to the local baseball league.

Danville could be mistaken for a scene in "The Stepford Wives"...

^this is fine. I would spice up the first sentence, maybe something like: "Any visitor to my hometown of Danville could easily assume the picturesque commmunity was lifted straight out of a "Stepford Wives" set.

God is one of the most important people in my life...

^I think you should toss this one and start over. I know its "unique" but it seems... off. It seems too forced.

1st essay :
The first two sentences seem okay.


it seems as though you are just listing your experience, and there is no "finish" to the prompt. Try incorporating these activities and your interest towards NYU.

2nd essay : first question was where is danville? Maybe mention that it was your hometown, as nritya suggested. Also try to address "global network university" as asked in the prompt.

3rd essay: This is an interesting concept. It seems to be kind of a paradoxical situation that you are in atheist (a person who denies or disbelieves the existence of a supreme being or beings) and want to bring god. It is kind of confusing for the reader and does not tell me much about you.

hope that was not harsh, if you have time maybe look at mine?

Good luck on your apps!

nritya: for the third prompt, is it the topic or the execution that should be reworked?

jz7: i was trying to express my fascination with religion. i've spent a lot of outside time visiting churches, doing research, and debating with friends in order to gain perspective on the subject. is there a way i could better present this idea without it confusing the AOs?

thanks to both of you! the suggestions really help

both I think. The topic is a difficult one itself, and requires adept execution to make it work. You're better off picking a new one. I didn't even know where to start with it, and I'm pretty good at this.

Can you take a look at my brown and columbia supplements and give me an equally thorough edit?

Remove Atheist and just state your fascination/interest in religion