Why; person of your dream; work experience; mission - Why Syracuse University.

The Supplements to Syracuse University are as follows:
They have given me 4 questions to answer to but they didn't include a limit amount of words to write so I don't know if I wrote too much and went overboard. Your critiques and opinions are valued. Thanks guys!!!

1. Who or what influenced you to apply to Syracuse University?
College is an important stepping stone in my life that will shape my path to success in every endeavor that I decide to take on, and with the education that I receive; many doors will open to help me accomplish my goals throughout life. The long road of finding my ideal college began my junior year of high school when I started searching for top university's that provide the best education for students majoring in Sociology and Journalism. Through this search I came across Syracuse University and I have not been able to stop thinking about it ever since. Syracuse University is more than just your regular college that provides you with the tools to succeed in life. They make it their mission to provide each and every one of their students with an education that is engaging through hands on activities and experiences that concentrate on real world issues. Learning through experience is much more elevating than gaining knowledge through a textbook. Syracuse University provides their students with the opportunity to express their individuality, customize their education with a dual or an individualized major and make a difference in the lives of others.

What cemented my decision in applying to Syracuse University is their ability to provide an amazing education to their students through the best professors, all in an intimate environment where you feel at home. I can imagine myself eating a vegetarian meal at one of the residential dining centers and later partaking in a late night activity. I can see myself participating in many clubs and organizations such as Zipped Magazine and showing my school pride by wearing head to toe orange at the Carrier Dome rooting for one of our many sport teams. I have never felt as passionate about a school as I do Syracuse University.

I am applying to Syracuse University because I know that if enrolled, I am not just another student, but an accomplishment. This university has everything I'm looking for in a school: A diverse and lively campus with many organizations and clubs, the best staff in all of New York, and a quality education. Acceptance into this prestigious university will cement success in my life.

2. Who is the person you dream of becoming and how do you believe Syracuse University can help you achieve this?
There are many inspirational people that have graced themselves in our lives, and inspired us to become better people. Though this person is not a celebrity, and cannot be found or researched in any textbook or Wikipedia article, she is very important to me and the person I hope of becoming in the future. My mother Ginette Jean-Pierre is an exceptional woman; and no amount of words or praise can truly compare to how amazing she is. I never realized it before, but my mother is special. Without any help and barely able to speak English, she has made a life for herself in America and has been able to provide a comfortable and loving living environment for my brothers and I. My mother is strong willed and has the capability to impact the lives of whoever she meets. What intrigues me the most about my mother is the fact that she's gone through so much, but she has never given up on people no matter how much they have hurt her. She is always there to lend a helping hand to whoever she meets. If there's anyone in the world who I would choose to become, without a moment's hesitation I would say my mom.

Syracuse University plays a very important part in becoming a strong and caring person because they pride themselves in educating their students not for education's sake, but to change the lives of people around them and one day the world. I want to be part of that learning environment because I want to be able to impact the people around me for the better. I want to give strength to those around me as my mom has done to the people around her. From participating in community service to engaging in hands on training and exposure in my chosen field, Syracuse provides me with unlimited opportunities to gain leadership and impact the people around me. At Syracuse, I know there's nothing I can't accomplish.

This is the rest of the questions. I am sorry this is long, but I thank you guys for reading and critiquing!!!

3. If you have had work experience, what skills and/or knowledge did you gain?
When I turned 16 and realized that I can start working, I was overjoyed with the thought of finally becoming independent and making money that I can do with as I please. Unfortunately my plans have not gone the way that I've wanted and I have never been accepted a job offer anywhere even though for the past 4 years I've probably applied to over 100 locations. The thought is a little disappointing, but instead of having a paid work experience, I gained skills through community service which I believe is more rewarding than having any hourly paid job. Over summer break and also after school, I have been volunteering at my local Boys and Girls Club helping teens my age and younger engage in character development experience and activities that is not available to them. I started as a member but then grew to become part of the team. I was first assigned at the front desk answering phones and giving tours to new members, and that then developed to helping the kids in programs such as culinary and woodworking shop. Whenever we worked on a new activity such as building a treasure box, or making cookies it was such an enjoyment on my part to see the smiles and happiness that came across their faces when they learned they were partaking in something they've never done before.

The Boys and Girls Club to me symbolizes hope and opportunity to the many children that they service. While volunteering there I learned how to be a team player and interact with the other employees to finish our goal which is always to provide a safe and learning environment for the members. I also learned to become a more responsible person since I was put in charge of the calendar and updating it every month with activities. The most important skills I learned from volunteering at the Boys and Girls Club is becoming a better leader, and learning how to speak in front of people with confidence. Sometimes during the day I am in charge of a group of kids and to keep them in order I had to learn how to speak with confidence and lead them through activities. I am extremely grateful for learning these skills because they are very important in my path to success in college.

4. Our mission of Scholarship in Action, education for the world in the world, extends beyond the classroom to include engagement opportunities with our campus community, the City of Syracuse, and locations across the globe. Based on your interests, tell us what real-world experiences you might pursue during your education at Syracuse as part of this mission.

The timeless quote "Our children are our future," has been repeated by many influential people and it is something that I believe in. What interests me and drives me as a person is helping children and teens and securing their future. I am one hundred percent committed to them and helping those who face adversity, poverty, hunger, disease and a lack of many valuable resources such as clean water and an education. As a student at Syracuse, I plan to continue pursuing my interests in helping kids by volunteering in Say Yes to Education where I can help students who live low economic backgrounds gain a better education, and also in Partnership for a Better Education. By volunteering in Say Yes and PBE, I hope to gain knowledge and ideas that I can take with me to third world countries and reform the school system there and make sure that every child receives an education.

In my mission to rebuild communities and provide equal opportunity for children to gain an education, I also plan to participate in Syracuse Center of Excellence in Environmental and Energy Systems where I can partake in projects that focus on improving living environments and human health in underprivileged communities. I prefer to learn through experience, and hands on activities than just textbooks alone. Attending Syracuse University will provide me with the resources and education needed to pursue my interest in educating children and opening up a pathway for them to have a brighter future.

Why would they not provide a word limit... that always confuses me. It seems like such a simple way to avoid getting pummeled by phone calls. Well, you should contribute to the effort to punish them, and make a phone call to ask about the recommended length of the response... it is not fair to make kids guess how long the answer should be.

In the future, if you post a new thread for each mini essay, maybe people will not be too intimidated to respond! :-)

College is an important stepping stone in .... accomplish my goals throughout life. ---You waste words and alienate the reader when you state the obvious.

The long road of finding my ideal college began during my junior year ...---This is a great first sentence for the essay.

Syracuse University provides their students with the opportunity to express their individuality, customize their education with a dual or an individualized major and make a difference in the lives of others.---seems like a weak claim. Lots of colleges offer duel major, and the other stuff in this sentence is very abstract unless you give examples.

...where you I feel at home. I can imagine myself

There are many inspirational people that have graced themselves in our lives, and inspired us to become better people. ---I think this is called a truism, which means "statement of the obvious." Not exactly, but here it serves the same purpose... it starts the essay in a boring way.

For the essay about whom you want to be... it is supposed to be about the future YOU, not about the person who inspired you. I think it needs to be rewritten with a description of your goals and the ways resources at the school can help you.

When I turned 16 and realized that I can could start working, I was overjoyed
The last essay is great, but I recommend adding mention of 2 more real world experiences you will seek.

:-)

Hi Narothnee,

Please review the comments and perpectives I have forwarded to the Rutgers girl. I think you have some very good ideas but your essay needs to be more organized to make it appealling to the hiring committee. Remember that your are in a competition!! Only the bright and the brightest are retained. The question is how do you market yourself to differenciate you from the pack?.

My first observation in reading your essay is the lack of connecting words? They make your thoughts more coherent and tjeu allow the readers to follow through your ideas from the start to the finish.

Please talk to your English teacher about thesis statement and connecting words?

Best of Luck!!!

thanks guys!!!!!!!!!! this help is greatly appreciated :)