Hi everyone,
This is my draft of the essay for the Questbridge National Match. The deadline for the scholarship is in 5 days. I would appreciate if someone could give me constructive criticisms on how to improve my essay. What do you think about the essay? On a scale of 1-10? How can I improve it in terms of grammar, ideas, organization, styles, etc. Also, I need to take out at least 20 words since the word limit is 500.
Thank you so much!
Essay Prompt: Describe an experience that you have had or a concept you have learned about that intellectually excites you. When answering this question, you may want to consider some of the following questions: Why does this topic excite you? How does it impact the way you or others experience the world? What questions do you continue to ponder about it?
School is about learning. It is not about making higher grades than the other students. The wiser student strives to gain knowledge rather than to get higher numerical grades. However, if one learns and increases knowledge, earning impressive grades is guaranteed. Learning concepts that can help us in the global society and lead us to excellence is what school is about. The concepts and aspects of social sciences have particularly been captivating to me.
I have been particularly compelled to aspects of social sciences because I believe learning about people, places, and cultures is essential to be knowledgeable citizens of the world. For instance, history is imperative in understanding the world around us. German philosopher Karl Marx once said, "History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce." Through learning and analyzing history, we can know the past, understand the present, and predict the future.
In my AP US History course, all the students were required to complete a project on Social Science. We were allowed to choose our own topic that interests us. The idea that instantly ignited in my mind was to do something on corruption and poverty in Africa. After discussing with my instructor, I shaped my topic to be the precise question that follows: Does Corruption Impact the Internal Displacement of Nations in Conflict?
The topic of corruption impacting internal displacement is extremely powerful to me. Growing up, I witnessed some of my relatives relocate from their ancestral land because of the violence. A significant population of Bangladesh is displaced from their homes. Internal displacement occurs when people are forced to flee their homes because their lives are being threatened by ongoing conflicts and violations of human rights. I spent months researching and analyzing data to investigate the contribution of corruption to this atrocious occurrence. I aspired to enlighten the world about a phenomenon lacking awareness.
The focus of my study was three nations in southern Africa: Democratic Republic of the Congo, Somalia, and Sudan. I decided to focus on these countries because they were the ones most affected by internal displacement. During the course of collecting data, I read several books and articles on the refuge situation in Africa. I conducted interviews of two natives of Africa, who have had an extensive experience with corruption there. My conclusion was that corruption in Africa does manipulate the people to relocate because of the governments' failure to protect the citizens from violence. I still continue to ponder how this relates to the situations in North Africa, involving revolutions in Libya, Egypt, and Tunisia.
This project has provided me with a memorable experience and much recognition. I won first place in my school, city, and regional competitions. Then, I proceeded to the 2011 Georgia State Social Studies Fair, and won the Best in Class award. My project was declared the best project in the State of Georgia. The concept of solving the crisis of internal displacement and corruption continues to intellectually excite me. My experiences served to make me realize that learning for the sake of learning provides us exposure, tolerance, and passion in life.
Thank you so much again :)
This is my draft of the essay for the Questbridge National Match. The deadline for the scholarship is in 5 days. I would appreciate if someone could give me constructive criticisms on how to improve my essay. What do you think about the essay? On a scale of 1-10? How can I improve it in terms of grammar, ideas, organization, styles, etc. Also, I need to take out at least 20 words since the word limit is 500.
Thank you so much!
Essay Prompt: Describe an experience that you have had or a concept you have learned about that intellectually excites you. When answering this question, you may want to consider some of the following questions: Why does this topic excite you? How does it impact the way you or others experience the world? What questions do you continue to ponder about it?
School is about learning. It is not about making higher grades than the other students. The wiser student strives to gain knowledge rather than to get higher numerical grades. However, if one learns and increases knowledge, earning impressive grades is guaranteed. Learning concepts that can help us in the global society and lead us to excellence is what school is about. The concepts and aspects of social sciences have particularly been captivating to me.
I have been particularly compelled to aspects of social sciences because I believe learning about people, places, and cultures is essential to be knowledgeable citizens of the world. For instance, history is imperative in understanding the world around us. German philosopher Karl Marx once said, "History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce." Through learning and analyzing history, we can know the past, understand the present, and predict the future.
In my AP US History course, all the students were required to complete a project on Social Science. We were allowed to choose our own topic that interests us. The idea that instantly ignited in my mind was to do something on corruption and poverty in Africa. After discussing with my instructor, I shaped my topic to be the precise question that follows: Does Corruption Impact the Internal Displacement of Nations in Conflict?
The topic of corruption impacting internal displacement is extremely powerful to me. Growing up, I witnessed some of my relatives relocate from their ancestral land because of the violence. A significant population of Bangladesh is displaced from their homes. Internal displacement occurs when people are forced to flee their homes because their lives are being threatened by ongoing conflicts and violations of human rights. I spent months researching and analyzing data to investigate the contribution of corruption to this atrocious occurrence. I aspired to enlighten the world about a phenomenon lacking awareness.
The focus of my study was three nations in southern Africa: Democratic Republic of the Congo, Somalia, and Sudan. I decided to focus on these countries because they were the ones most affected by internal displacement. During the course of collecting data, I read several books and articles on the refuge situation in Africa. I conducted interviews of two natives of Africa, who have had an extensive experience with corruption there. My conclusion was that corruption in Africa does manipulate the people to relocate because of the governments' failure to protect the citizens from violence. I still continue to ponder how this relates to the situations in North Africa, involving revolutions in Libya, Egypt, and Tunisia.
This project has provided me with a memorable experience and much recognition. I won first place in my school, city, and regional competitions. Then, I proceeded to the 2011 Georgia State Social Studies Fair, and won the Best in Class award. My project was declared the best project in the State of Georgia. The concept of solving the crisis of internal displacement and corruption continues to intellectually excite me. My experiences served to make me realize that learning for the sake of learning provides us exposure, tolerance, and passion in life.
Thank you so much again :)