'Where is Schumacher?' - MIT

'Where is Schumacher?' This was my initial response when I took apart my remote-controlled toy car, curious to find the man at the wheel, waiting for my cue to roll the wheels. I instead found a bunch of colored wires hooked up to peculiar boards with metal prickles on it, not at all accommodative for my Schumacher. This early moment was the genesis of my interest in engineering, an interest that was begotten by curiosity.

Curiosity even made its mark in my classroom as I became more active in class discussions: asking teachers on how scientific processes work. 'Does the size of resistor affect the power with constant potential?' In devising an experiment to probe the relationship between resistor size and power, I found that a single question in science often gave rise to many more- 'It does, but why and how?'

I discovered the transformation of 'curiosity' to 'creativity' as I yearned to be involved with mechanics that transforms abstract concepts into products that may prove their worth in our everyday life. Can we tackle HIV by machines? We may confront the viral existence by nano-robots. Can we imagine computers without monitors and keyboards? No, it's not iPad. It may be a dice with laser-interface-system that can provide the user with functional holograms of keyboard and screen and can fit anywhere we like.

Curiosity always takes me several years forward in time, to my work place as a research and development engineer. And it's 'curiosity' that makes me, me.

Really, the worst essay prompt I've ever answered.
BE HARSH, BE AGGRESSIVE, BE RUTHLESS BUT BE HONEST!!!

Pretty solid essay, includes humor - that's what admission offices look for (big plus). I really like your opening and ending sentences. But I can't help you grammar-wise. Good job.

It's very genuine and extremely well written. It will add a lot to your application process. I honestly can't find anything wrong with it. Great job!

Your essay is, as stated above, well written and original. What was I, as a reader, able to glean from this essay? Two things. One, it introduces and elaborates on the "genesis of your interest in engineering". Two, It identifies curiosity as your defining trait and the reason for your interest and passion, and gives examples in support of this.

What is the prompt though?
If I were in your place, I would try to go into a bit more detail (if you can manage to keep under the word limit). For example, this sentence: "I instead found a bunch of colored wires hooked up to peculiar boards with metal prickles on it, not at all accommodative for my Schumacher." could be rewritten into something like " I instead found two red wires and a slightly thinner blue wire hooked up to three peculiar boards with metal prickles on them; not at all accommodative for my Schumacher.

I'm not sure how much value, if any, this change would add to your essay from an admission officers point of view, but I'd think it kind of brings out the message that you're a naturally observant. (after all curiosity accompanies observations). Then again I doubt admissions officers have the time to look for subtle nuances :P In any case, your essay is already quite fine, so improving on it would mean going through with a fine tooth come and editing every small thing in a pedantic manner.

Well I think I'm rambling now. All the best!
Also, If you have the time, check out my thread "UC essay 1" I really need some help and a lot of criticism :|

Your essay is really honest and attractive!
it paints a picture of who you are and explains your passion brilliantly:)

How long is your essay suppose to be? I was actually wanting to read more. I love your writing. It is simple yet holds so much gravity.

Good luck.