Syracuse: What influenced me (advanced writing)

These are my 3 250-word supplement essays for Syracuse University. Any help or comments are appreciated, thank you!

•Who or what influenced you to apply to Syracuse University? (Maximum: 250 words)

The Advanced Writing Class

I was first advised to apply to Syracuse University by my counselor. She knew what I really wanted my college to be like: a place for people to challenge, improve and discover themselves -all while being part of a diverse and expressive community. Having been impressed deeply with what I heard about SU, I contacted an alumnus of our school who is currently at Syracuse University. He told me about the hospitality of the people on campus, the legendary school spirit, and the intellectual rigor of professors in classes. Once again, I had confirmed: Syracuse University possesses all of my aspirations. As an outgoing and cooperative personality, I feel ready and motivated to put all my efforts in such a dynamic environment, both as a student and a part of the community.

The polyphonic choir and the orchestra I attended during high school provided me with valuable experiences and friendships. I want to keep playing my cello and singing in college, besides other extracurricular activities. With SU's wide variety of clubs and organizations, I will have numerous opportunities to express myself and contribute to the school spirit.

In my senior year I took the Advanced Writing class and discovered my passion for writing. With SU Magazine, I'll have the opportunity to share my writings with an intellectual community and seek their feedback.

With experiences and insights Syracuse will provide me, and with a world-class education from Syracuse University, I would feel confident to build a rewarding life after graduation.

Your essay lacks a voice. Admissions Officers want to see a student who will make a difference on their campus and is passionate about attending their school. You need to sound enthusiastic about applying to Syracuse

@sweetsenior

Hi,

I think this essay is well written and using specifics is always important which I think you have done well. You are very enthusiastic about the school and I like how you relate to yourself and connect it with the school, which is crucial in admissions processes. So I think that you can improve if you spend your word count on a couple other things instead of telling the reviewers that "you had confirmed that Syracuse was perfect" Whatever you can give the reviewer about yourself and increase that, then you will get admitted. You have to portray your personality and who you are as a person; your supplement now is pretty strong, maybe it can improve.

My feedback is only suggestions. It is my thoughts on your essay. Don't take them like they are absolutely correct but adjust your essay accordingly.

Good Luck.

Selin, it seems that your essay focus is more on the people that influenced you to apply to Syracuse. The thing is, you do not identify them by name. If the reviewer is to take your statement seriously, then you should name the people you spoke to as alumnus at the university. However, you can only use his or her name if he or she is writing a recommendation letter for you to support your application. If you do not have any supporting documents coming from them, then do not mention them in the essay in any way. Most specially, you cannot make them nameless in the essay. Doing so makes the reviewer doubt your claims so it nullifies the statement. Instead, focus on what you learned about Syracuse in terms of their objectives in educating students. Talk about what appeals to you in that field instead.