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Taiwan had been a dream come true; accomplishment or event, formal or informal



haayounglee 2 / 7  
Nov 25, 2013   #1
"Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family."

MY ESSAY: (didn't think of a title yet.. working on it!)

The comforting scent of exotic street food wafted up my nostrils as I passed the rows of vendors lined up along the street. It was a sweltering hot day in Taiwan, but I was extremely excited to have been given the opportunity to travel there with my sister and a few close friends. We decided to split up, boisterously searching through the maze of vendors and carefully examining each stall for a satisfying meal. It was on this particular day that, for the first time in my life, I was on my own in a completely foreign country, free to traverse wherever I pleased. As I began inspecting a particular basket of fried delicacies, something on a street corner caught my eye. A man, probably younger than his appearance suggested, sat on a plastic, red, four-legged stool that only had three legs still attached. He held out a grimy styrofoam cup, waiting with a look of utter desolation as he watched people quickly whisk by, not even sparing a passing glance. I tentatively fingered the money in my pocket.

Taiwan had been a dream come true. I was thrilled with the endless experiences I had gained, the unique shopping, and the immaculate cuisine. But what about this man? It was clear that he would have loved to engage in these activities too, and we both knew what a difficult aspiration that would be. Throughout my life, I had been taught to always be wary of the homeless as many of them ruined their lives through their own accord. Nonetheless, I could not help but feel sorry for him, seeing him sitting there on some archaic, broken stool, shamelessly begging for sustenance. My mind wandered to similar situations I had encountered while walking the streets of New York City. I would spot a homeless man or woman, cloaked in a ragged blanket, shaking his or her plastic cup filled with meager sums. People would simply pass by, preoccupied by their deadlines or meetings; on occasion, someone kindhearted enough would drop a few cents into the cup, inciting a chain reaction of charitableness as countless numbers of people mirrored the stranger's actions. I could not help but wonder how those same people would have reacted if that sole individual had not dropped his donation into the cup.

But I suppose that is just how society works nowadays. Give not to give, but give because there is an obligation. There I was, standing by a steaming basket of intoxicating delicacies, deciding whether to make that man's day or simply continue with my carefree exploration. I soon realized that my decision to purchase a meal would have no profound effect on my life nor the lives around me. Sure, I would be satisfied; sure, the vendor would earn some money that day to feed his family back home - but that was all. If I gave that man some money, I reckoned, maybe the others watching would follow my actions. Maybe my single, insignificant act of unconditional kindness would inspire others in a metropolis all the way around the world to do the same. It did not matter that I was in a foreign country harboring a completely different culture than my own. I straightened my posture and crossed the street with fierce determination. I was a questioning child no longer. I reached the man on the stool and savored the satisfying clank of my coins hitting the bottom of his cup. He looked up at me, and I watched as deep, sinking wrinkles brimming with years of experience formed around this dry lips and abyssal eyes as he flashed me a dazzling smile that contradicted his entire demeanor. Maybe, I thought, I did not have to spend much on my meal after all.

Mellowjedi203 1 / 2  
Nov 26, 2013   #2
Very well said with extremely vivid vocabulary but it seems like you use this to your advantage in prolonging and magnifying the intensity of something that isn't that profound.

"But I suppose that is (that's how) society works (functions) nowadays. Other than that... impeccable. Please return the favor!
Kalikratia 1 / 8  
Nov 26, 2013   #3
i loved it so much i cannot find anything that needs to be corrected. It was very well-written and i dont think you should take anything out. I read through it a couple times and every single sentence in there adds an extra touch and emotion, and it's as if you mentally grew from the beginning to the end of the essay, just like the prompt asks. If you really feel like it's too long, you could shorten the descriptions in the first paragraph and shorten the New York experience. You could just mention that all in two sentences at most. Very well done!
OP haayounglee 2 / 7  
Nov 26, 2013   #4
Thanks so much for the suggestions!
Yeah, I was taught never to use contractions in formal essays but I suppose it helps with accentuating my tone.
And I'll be sure to check out one of your works as well.

Thanks so much for the input! I am so happy that you liked it.
I'm not really as worried about the length as I initially was, and I'll definitely consider your suggestions :)
Kondite - / 44  
Nov 26, 2013   #5
I love your story but I have highlighted some areas to improve. The words highlighted in red are those that seemed kinda forced and seemed awkward. Change the words into simpler terms so that your sentences flow smoothly. The sentences highlighted in blue are those that were vague and not understandable. "Taiwan" cannot be a dream come true but "Coming to Taiwan" can. I also could not understand what you meant by "I was a questioning child no longer." Reorganize your words so that your sentence is clearer. Finally, try to emphasize more on how you changed from a child to an adult. If I read this without the essay prompt, I would not have known what it was trying to answer. These are areas that I felt needed some improvement but this is your essay and it is your obligation whether or not to change them.


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