Some thoughts about flying kites, Bradeis essay

Wislawa Szymborska said" you can find the entire cosmos lurking in its least remarkable objects." Help us see something ordinary in an extraordinary light.

My opinion about this essay is that it asks me to write some of my thought toward something ordinary in life. So I just wrote about kites and my thoughts about them. I also feel something is not right with my wording, it's just not that flow to me. Any advice to improve?

I saw a group of kids flying kites on the square the other day. They held the strings, running, while the kites flew in the sky, staggered. I watched the kites, feeling a sense of inexplicable touch.

Kites are always tracked by an invisible string, just like us, who assume ourselves free while still governed by legal systems that controlled our behaviors and actions. This intangible line astricting us invisibly supports and dominates all our activities. Suppose, if we broke the "line" unscrupulously by violating laws and regulations, will the kite still able to fly again? Even struggling for a while with the wind, it would be no more than falling into the dust eventually.

Concerning the mastery of the kite, it is all about the proper strength. Too strong, it will float away; too weak, it will fall down. Only when the kite is carefully controlled can it soar in the air. This story exactly tells the truth that neither quick success nor free indulgence will end up well. Similarly, keep a peaceful mind, remain poised and calm and in this way may we seize the right timing and control our life well!

@Jessica Xie
they held strings...- Use they tightly held the strings and ran as fast as they could...
I watched the kites, feeling a sense of inexplicable touch.- Watching these kites flying high in the sky, I could feel a sensation of inexplicable touch.

who assume ourselves free-who take freedom for granted
This intangible line, astricting us invisibly, supports and dominates all our activities
Do not use suppose if , looks unprofessional- Use directly Suppose we...

Jessica, I think that the essay will be improved if you decide to focus on one aspect of the kite flying activity alone. I have a sense that you have focused on the almost totally transparent string that allows it to fly overhead. Your comparison of the string with the way that we are controlled by unseen forces in our lives is quite extraordinary. That is why we should work on developing that insight within the essay.

For starters, you should develop the first paragraph some more. What did you mean by an inexplicable touch? There is something incomplete about that paragraph. I think it is because of the way the last sentence seems to just hang there, without any particular meaning. Do you have any thoughts you can add to that statement in order to make it blend better with the rest of the essay?

In the second paragraph, you kind of lose the reader because you are also confused by your statement. You start by wondering about the kite and its strings, then you think about the strings in relation to man, then suddenly, you are back to talking about the kite strings being pulled. Pick a focus for discussion in the paragraph and develop the rest of the thoughts around that subject alone. That will give the sentence logic and cohesiveness.

As for the last paragraph. I think it is an excellent statement to close the essay upon. However, my opinion might change depending upon how your revision turns out. I hope my advice helps you to better develop your very interesting essay. I am keen to see how this will end up.