UCF Admissions essay - family history environment / culture - suggestions / proofread?

How has your family history environment or culture influenced who you are?

My culture and environment have shaped the person I am today in every possible way. I spent my childhood in the Dominican Republic, an island just south of Puerto Rico and within swimming distance of Haiti. I moved to the Dominican Republic when I was three and moved back to the United States when I was thirteen. Living in a different country for most of my life forced me to become absorbed into its culture.

In the Dominican Republic, there is a definite need to succeed. People who are driven are respected amongst their peers while those who are indolent face rejection. There is competition in everything that is done because being the best means absolutely everything. Some may view this negatively, but I would have to disagree. I think a little competition makes a person want to work harder in order to get what they truly desire.

Traditional values are also held in high esteem. Family is placed above all else. Every Sunday, I would go to my grandma's house for a family reunion. We would all talk, eat, talk some more and eat even more. Everyone in the family knows exactly what's going on in each other's lives. There are no such thing as nursing homes because the elderly are respected and considered a valuable part of the family. Traditional roles are kept also in relationships since boys still open doors and pull out chairs for girls. I feel like these conventional roles are important since they seem to value the respect between people that seems to be slowly depreciating every day.

Leaving the Dominican Republic was the hardest experience in my life. I left everything I knew and everything I loved. My first year in the United States was really tough. I no longer had a family to visit on Sundays, or friends to laugh with. I went into a deep state of depression. I cried myself to sleep every night and became extremely reserved. After a year in this condition, I finally realized that it was time to move forward and simply accept the circumstances. I decided to gather up the power within me to make new friends and truly immerse myself into my new surroundings. I came to realize that I absolutely loved Florida - the diversity, the myriad of activities, the friendly people and all of the academic opportunities.

Living in the Dominican Republic is the most meaningful experience of my life because it has shaped the person I am. Even though I now live in the United States, I take the lessons I learned to heart. My school life taught me determination and traditional roles taught me respect for others. I feel that in order to succeed, a person needs these qualities - because together - they are a recipe for strength. My strength helped me go through my anxiety of leaving the place I had called home for so long and taught me about the inevitability of change. Going to college is a huge alteration in life, and with strength, I know I will be able to reach all of my goals.

I like the comparison of Dominican and U.S. culture, but be sure to say how going back and forth between the two (rather than Dominican culture exclusively) shaped you. I'd also like to see even more vivid descriptions of the two places and the contrasts between them.

"Incredibly" is one of those words that means very little, especially when repeated. You use it four times.


This comes out of nowhere in the last paragraph and makes little sense in the context of what you've shared. Either build in some descriptions of those obstacles or omit this sentence.

That really cuts to the heart of it. In your intro, you talk about the importance of having been exposed to two cultures, then spend the entire essay only really talking about one. Plus, when do you mention American culture, you take an essentially negative stance. Now, if your essay is part of an application to an American university, this might not be such a great tack to take.

Like EF_Sean said before me, you seem to take a very negative stance on American culture. You assume that "the cool kids are those who slack off" and while this may often be the case, it isn't always true. You should focus more on how your experiences helped you rather than stereotyping American society. But overall, your essay was good, well structured, and very unique.

I would be interested to see a revised version that takes the advice you have received so far into account. Your original essay had some distinct potential.

Well, if I elaborated more on the differences, they essay was going to be too long, so I decided to omit that part and just talk about the DOminican culture and how it shaped me, here it is:

...

"Even though I now live in the United States, I take the lessons I learned to heart. My school life taught me determination, my observation of traditional customs taught me respect for others, and my concern with appearances taught me self respect."

This is a much stronger essay. I'm not sure all readers will agree with your views on traditional roles or on the importance of dressing in designer clothes, but you have answered the prompt clearly and honestly, so good job.

wow i just realized you have to answer two essay prompts for one essay, do you think the essay answers this question?

What qualities or unique characteristics do you possess that will allow you to contribute to the UCF community?

Cut the part where you go on and on about appearances -- which does make you sound, um, superficial -- in order to make room to answer that question.

thankss, great ideas :)

I didn't think your emphasis on appearances was that bad -- you make a good point that a person's willingness to look after his or her own appearance says something about the amount of self-respect they have. (I did warn you, though, that you might find some readers disagreed with you).

In any event, to answer the second part of the prompt, you need to expand on this:


This might of course necessitate cutting down some of the other paragraphs to stay within your word limit, as others have suggested.

any suggesttions on how i should expand that part?

Well, the prompt asks you


The sentence I quoted lists those qualities, but doesn't talk about how they will allow you to contribute to the UCF community. So, answer that question. I have no idea how you plan to contribute to UCF, or how the qualities you have picked will help you. You have to come up with that on your own.

I decided to answer this question:

If there has been some obstacle or bump in the road in your academic or personal life please explain the circumstances

along with the first one and this is my new essay
...

Better. And what did you love about Florida, exactly? This seems like a particularly important question for you to answer in this essay, given that you are applying to UCF.

"it's" = it is

Whenever you catch yourself writing "it's" rather than "its," ask yourself: Do I mean "it is"? If not, omit the apostrophe.

Your grammar is good, but I'd like you to be less wordy and to quit relying on trite phrases:

"The concept of considering family to be number one is exceedingly important" should be something like "We place family above all else."

"It is no secret that the world is made up of a myriad of lifestyles across the world" is nothing but a string of trite phrases.

Don't worry about trying to rephrase it, either -- just cut it. Even the most original phrasing wouldn't hide the fact that it is a bland idea that, as you said, the reader already knows without you having to tell him.

thanks, :) you guys are so helpful

Grammar check for this one too please?

Jump in and do some grammar checking for other members and we'll see what we can do.

"Living in a different country for most of my life forced me to become absorbed into its culture." You were forced to have something happen to you? That sounds odd. You should be forced to do something. So, "Living in a different country for most of my life forced me to absorb its culture."