UMichigan Engineering Essays, World Economic Forum

Hey everyone,
this is my first time posting on this forum and I am so glad to see so many helping people!
These are my UMichigan Engineering Essays.
Would love your feedbacks and suggestions.
Thanking you all in advance!

Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. (Approximately 250 words)

Having both in the United States and India, and currently studying in an International School I have always felt as never belonging to one specific community and regard myself as being more of a global citizen. But a community can also be defined as "set of people having common goals and shared interests in". In this context I belong to a community of youth interested in environmental protection and sustainable technologies . I have always believed it'd be part of my responsibility to take active participation wherever I can. I tried to make an impact to the world as much as I could. I started to regularly volunteer at a mass tree planting campaign in my area credited with President's Award and a Guinness record for planting largest number of trees in a single day.

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Describe the unique qualities that attract you to the specific undergraduate College or School (including preferred admission and dual degree programs) to which you are applying at the University of Michigan. How would that curriculum support your interests? (500 words maximum)

Over the last century engineering innovations have pervaded nearly aspects of our life in this planet. But these advancements had their drawbacks too.

Our dependence on fossil fuels and non-renewable sources of energy for electricity has left our planet in a global dilemma. From this stems the imperative need for innovative engineering in the areas of green and alternate energy. As a keen environmental protectionist and academically bright student, I want to pursue entrepreneurial ventures in the field of alternative energy. As a prospective engineering student, I know that an engineer has the potential to turn what others regard only as an "abstract idea" into reality.

But for such a path, the right launching pad is crucial: A multi-disciplinary environment where I can interact with bright students from all around the world supported by the best of professors; A place where the right eco-system is provided to nurture and encourage certain skills and advantages that will surely leverage my success in the real world; A place where engineers are not daunted by real world challenges; A place like University of Michigan.

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Having both (I think lived is what you're trying to say?) in the United States and in India, and currently studying in an International School I have always felt as never belonging to one specific community and I regard myself as being more of a global citizen. But a community can also be defined as a set of people who have common goals and shared interests in a specific activity. In this context I belong to a community of youth interested in environmental protection and sustainable technologies . I have always believed that I have a major role in taking active participation wherever I can. I tried to make an impact to the world as much as I could. I started to regularly volunteer at a mass tree planting campaign in my area credited with President's Award and a Guinness World Record for planting the largest number of trees in a single day. (You give such a long introduction when you should focus on what you've done in your community and how you've affected it.)

During the last campaign, I planted 500 tree saplings out of a total of 10,000 saplings . After nurturing them for the first 6 months, I distributed them to various interested school children who continued to grow them . I also contribute in local campaigns on the values of a greener planet. I regard my place in this community is cemented by my participation in the Global Youth Summit 2010 which happened in London this November. In recognition of my work related to the environment and its protection I was selected by the British Council to be a member of a group of 60 people out of a pool of 1600 applicants. During this meeting all of the selected youths took up global campaigns and transformation programs in various areas and worked with world leaders in this area . This was a great opportunity to interact with global economic leaders and also in the process mark my presence in this community. I also obtained an opportunity to attend the World Economic Forum.

You're not a native speaker, right? I think you should get a teacher to polish this off or something. The paragraphs aren't divided properly and you generalize way too much instead of focusing on what you've actually done. You should also add a proper conclusion in a thrid paragraph.

Over the last century, engineering innovations have pervaded nearlly all the aspects in our life . However, these advancements have their drawbacks too.

Our dependence on fossil fuels and non-renewable sources of energy for electricity has left our planet in a global dilemma. This is the reason why there is an imperative need for innovative engineering in the areas of green and alternate energy. As a keen environmental protectionist and an academically bright student, I want to pursue entrepreneurial ventures in the field of alternative energy. As a prospective engineering student, I know that an engineer has the potential to turn what others regard only as an "abstract idea" into reality.

However, the right launching pad is crucial for such a path; A multi-disciplinary environment where I can interact with bright students from all around the world supported by the best of professors, a place where the right eco-system is provided to nurture and encourage certain skills and advantages that will surely leverage my success in the real world, a place where engineers are not daunted by real world challenges, a place like University of Michigan.

The very core spirit of Michigan lies in innovation as exemplified by its many programs including "Accelerate Michigan". This is the very spirit that I exhibit and I want to study at a University that embodies this. By attending Michigan Engineering school, I will not only receive a strong engineering foundation from one of the finest institutions in the world, but also be instilled with certain skills and advantages that will surely leverage my perspectives in the real world. The Multidisciplinary program is a perfect example that shows how University of Michigan provides a prudent experience where the students get the opportunity to work with real life challenging problems. This again will bolster my strengths in working with various different people others closelyand it will also provide an insight into what I will be workingwith in the future. With such focusesUniversity of Michigan does not slack off on research, something that is critical for pushing the frontiers of technology. Michigan Engineering has 145 labs and research centers; more than most of the top Engineering schools which again shows how University of Michigan emphasises on research in engineering .University of Michigan also provides undergraduate research opportunities such as Summer Undergraduate Research in Engineering that will not only give me a head start for a graduate education but also a glimpse of the research environment.

University of Michgan's continued success can be seen from the alumni and their contributions especially in the area of entrepreneurism, engineering and technology; from Larry Page the co-founder of Google to Tony Fadell the "father" of the iPod .

I dream to achieve great scales in my future as an engineer and I am sure University of MichiganEngineer would catalyse this dream.

This is a much better essay, and it shows how you've researched the university so much and how far you're interested in it.

Sorry for the harshness but this is UMich after all.
Goodluck!

Awesome!!

The first essay is so excellent, so impressive! the reader says, "How can I deny this student any opportunity when I am so impressed?!"

The second essay is not near 500 words yet, so ADD 2 SENTENCES to that intro paragraph. Sum up the message of the essay. :-)

Let's see a new draft if you have one. Please check out essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/ You, too, Miray!!