"the Victory Lap" - Common App: Elaborate on Extra Curricular Activity

Hi,

Can someone help me edit my essay?

It's from the common app writing section that asks you to elaborate on an extracurricular activity

My ebullience radiated from within as survivors took part in the Victory Lap. This was the inauguration of our 12-hour community relay. For the past seven months, I held the position of Head of Finance on my school's Relay for Life Committee, directing fundraising activities and approving budgets. However, what was initially a yearning to make a difference in the community evolved into a voyage filled with awareness, teamwork, leadership and accomplishment. Not only was I stunned by the number of lives affected by cancer, but I was absolutely astounded by the number of warriors who fought back in spite of the ominous odds. Their courage was truly contagious for it became the foundation of my fund raising endeavors. $28,000 was raised with the help of the committee, who had now become a family with a shared desire - the desire to witness even more survivors at the next Victory Lap.

THANKK YOU!!!

I think you may have used the thesaurus a little too much here. Voyage of awareness? Radiating ebullience? Flabbergasted?
Your writing is fine, but I would maybe tone down the word choice. You don't want it to be too informal, but on the other hand, I feel like the words you're using are a little unnatural.

oh i see. I used them because they were apart of the SAT vocab list

But, I'll be sure to tone it down a bit!

THANK YOU FOR THE ADVICE! :]

(p.s. do essays need a title? I'm a bit confused on that fact. )

I think you're better off starting with the second sentence. I wasn't sure what you were talking about until I read the second sentence.

your essays don't need a title

My ebullienceanother word radiated from within as survivors took part in the Victory Lap. ( make your message clearer) This was the inauguration of our astounding 12-hour community relay. For the past seven months, I held the position of the Head of Finance on my school's Relay for Life Committee, directing fundraising activities and approving budgets. However, what was initially a yearning to make a difference in the community evolved into a voyage of awareness, teamwork, leadership and accomplishment. Not only was I stunned by the number of lives affected by cancer, but I was absolutely flabbergasted by the number of warriors who fought back in spite of the ominous odds. Their audacity, the foundation of my fund raisingendeavors , was truly contagious. $28,000 was raised with the help of the committee, who had now become a family with a shared aspiration - the aspiration to witness even more survivors at the subsequent Victory Lap.

I changed it up a bit :

My exuberance (is it still too much? I wanted to start with something strong; enthusiasm sounded a bit bland) radiated from within as survivors took part in the Victory Lap.

Not only was I stunned by the number of lives affected by cancer, but I was absolutely astounded by the number of warriors who fought back in spite of the ominous (or should i use unfavorable?) odds.

I'm not so sure if i want to change the order of my sentences since I want to grab their attention and continue reading to find out more. Is that a good idea?

and THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP!! :)

The energy of intense emotion and inspiration radiated from within as survivors took part in the Victory Lap.---> ah, I don't know if you like that, but I agree that exuberance is bad.

Near the start of this paragraph, you should let the reader know it is an event to support cancer sufferers. I was confused throughout most of the essay.

:-)

Thanks , i think i do like that better : )