Cbest Essay - Proble in Community

Hi

Would appreciate feedback for my CBEST Essay.

I was in doubt if I should only focus on theft one problem in my community, or should I add more community problem.

Thanks a lot!

ESSAY TOPIC: Describe a problem in your community and how it affected you and the community. Tell how the problem was resolved.

Every day television and newspaper talks about crimes and thefts. Whether around the world or in our community, we can't deny its existence. Life seem to be unsafe nowadays, as we witness numerous theft incidents everywhere. Long time ago we associate theft with perpetrator entering a house and taking away personal things like computer, television, money, jewelries etc. Nowadays, theft is associated with scam by perpetrators who made us believe they are stranger seeking help. But in truth, they try to lure us to get our attention as their co-perpetrator starts his way to steal little things of great value in our car or garage.

I myself was unable to avoid being victimized by those kinds of perpetrators. One sunny afternoon, as I was cleaning up my garage a stranger approached me seeking help with his flat tire. I was too trusting to offer help, little did I know that everything was a big scam. While helping him with his flat tire, another men secretly went into my garage and took away my personal things inside my car. I didn't realize it not until I went looking for my cellphone to make some phone calls. It was depressing that I was a good Samaritan yet everything was just a big scheme.

Thefts and burglary are just one part our community problems. My personal experience was one story to tell, my neighbors to had their own version of burglary in their homes. A neighbor told me the other week, someone just held a knife to him while walking his 2 year old baby along his apartment park. He was completely stunned, when a guy with a smiling face approach him and ask for his wallet. He gave his wallet and did not bother to fight back for his baby's safety. The guy just said thank you and graciously walked away after he got my neighbor's wallet.

As life gets tougher, we ought to be more cautious in our homes. One way to avoid being victimized by theft is to report the incident to your neighborhood authorities. Recently our community has agreed to partake in an action to be one in fighting against theft. Residents volunteered to launch a campaign ads to educate the whole community of diffefent theft scam. Flyers were posted and volunteers were tasked to keep watch of suspected and unknown villagers that may display threat to our neighborhood. Displaying camaraderie and unity in the neighborhood will surely prevent theft. But there is no other guarantee from this burglary but be vigilant in your own homes. Setting up alarms and locking the doors are the best safety precaution you can take. Moreso, educating family members not to talk or allow strangers in your homes is a good action.

We all dream of living in a safe and peaceful community. But in truth, there is no such perfect place to live in. Thefts are rampant everywhere. Perpetrators have used different means to lure us. The best way for us to alleviate theft in our community is to cooperate and work together as one.

I like your example of the theft perpetrated against you and the examples of the thefts perpetrated against your neighbors. I especially like your account of your community's response to the crimes. This is useful and unique information. For the essay to be stronger, the introduction should introduce your community rather than talking broadly about crimes and theft. For example, you could say something like "Theft is a problem in many communities. The members of [name of community] decided to fight back."

And stick with the community focus in your conclusion too. This:


is mostly a jumble of dull generalizations. You have to generalize a bit in your conclusion, of course, but that should grow naturally out of the specifics you have mentioned beforehand.

I think it should be 'more community problems '
And if the topic is 'a promblem', you should focus on one. After all, you've written this problem quite well!

Try "Our community, Muirland Community, experienced a rash of break-ins last year" instead.

You have various minor grammatical errors that weaken your essay. I'll leave it up to our contributors to point them all out to you, but I'm guessing, given the nature of the test, that these sorts of errors will be a bigger deal than they would be on a lower level test.