Corporate newsletter answer - GMAT AWA essays rated?

Please give me feedback on this essay. Please give a rating between 0-5 as it is on GMAT AWA section...Eagerly waiting for all your replies.

The following appeared in the editorial section of a corporate newsletter.

"The common notion that workers are generally apathetic about management issues is false, or at least outdated: a recently published
survey indicates that 79 percent of the nearly 1,200 workers who responded to survey questionnaires expressed a high level of interest in the
topics of corporate restructuring and redesign of benefits programs."

My answer:

The author of the editorial section of a corporate newsletter makes an argument that the common notion that workers are generally apathetic about managment issues is false or outdated. The author supports his argument by a survey which indicates that 79 percent of the nearly 1,200 workers who responded to the survey questionnaries expressed a high level of intrest in the topics of corporate restructuring and restructuirng of benefits programs. Although the argument seems to be convincing, it appears problematic in two critical respects.

First, the argument is based on the results of a survey that 79 percent of employees expressed high level of intrest in managment issues. However the author fails to look for a gap in the assumption in that the 79 percent of the 1200 workers may be actually dealing with the managment work only. Therefore, these employees may actually represent the employees who already work as managers and so will obviously have a high level of intrest in topics mentioned.

On the other hand, even if it is considered that all the employees who responded positively to survey are not managers, they could be employees who have expressed their interest in the restructuring because these employees could get actually benefited out of the participation in the programs. The employees may be participating actively for their own special benefits that have nothing to do with the other managment issues.So, it cannot be rightly concluded that workers are apathetic about managment issues is false.

All in all, it can be said that this is a weak argument. To strengthen the argument the author should have a more detail analysis not only on the results of the survey but also on the basis of survey, like the ones mentioned above. Only when the author rules out other possible factors and could conclude that only the survey results are necessary and sufficient for the above conclusion, will make the mentioned conclusion feasible.

Greetings!

I will be happy to give you feedback on your essay. I can give you my personal rating of the essay, but please understand that my criteria may differ from those of the GMAT examiners.

Your first paragraph, with the exception of the last sentence, is simply a restatement of the facts. The first sentence of the second paragraph is, too. I would think that, because your time is limited, you want to spend it wisely by answering in as much detail as possible in the time and space allotted. Regurgitating the given facts does not really help you.

You did a good job of pointing out some of the weaknesses of the argument. You might want to stress a little more that it is not possible to tell how relevant the 79% response rate regarding corporate restructuring and redesign of benefits programs is, when there is no information given about what other issues were on the survey and what the response rates were for those issues. You were not specific enough about "what changes in the argument would make it more logically sound, and what, if anything, would help you better evaluate its conclusion."

Here are some tips regarding the writing itself:

"interest" is misspelled twice as "intrest"

You have a tendency to drop the article "the":
so will obviously have a high level of intrest in the topics mentioned.
On the other hand, even if it is considered that all the employees who responded positively to the survey are not managers,
not only on the results of the survey but also on the basis of the survey

Watch your grammar; some of your sentences are a little awkward or garbled:

"because these employees could get actually benefited" - better would be "could actually benefit"

"So, it cannot be rightly concluded that workers are apathetic about managment issues is false." - Aside from the misspelling of "management," it is difficult to follow this sentence; it really does not make sense.

"To strengthen the argument the author should have a more detail [should be "detailed"] analysis not only on the results of the survey but also on the basis of the survey, like the ones mentioned above." - Like what ones mentioned above? I'm not sure what you are referencing here.

"Only when the author rules out other possible factors and could conclude that only the survey results are necessary and sufficient for the above conclusion, will make the mentioned conclusion feasible." - This sounds like double-speak; it's much too vague and confusing to be a strong ending.

I would advise spending more time on a detailed analysis and less on restating the question. Try to specifically address all the issues mentioned in the instructions. Read every sentence you write, carefully, to make sure it says what you intended, and watch your spelling. All in all, if I were rating this essay on a 0-5 scale, I would probably give it a 2. You have a couple of good points, but you need more specific information and less vagueness and confusion.

I hope this advice is helpful to you!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Thanks a lot EF_Team2 for the feedback..I will surely try to improve on my weaknesses. Looking forward to post a new essay

You're very welcome! Learning is what it's all about, and I know your efforts will pay off!

Sarah, EssayForum.com