Toefl independent question - studying art and literature vs math and science

What type of subjects at schools?

I'm preparing IBToefl and has this question. I'm not sure whether my essay can get higher score or not. Therefore, I'm consulting someone who can provide me great advice.

Question: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: "It is more important for students to study art and literature than it is to study math and science." Provide reasons and examples to support your opinion.

Essay:
There are tons of things to learn, but it's very important to put a barrier on what to study and what do not. One could compare the importance of art and literature or math and science. If I forced to choose, I disagree with this statement. It is my firm belief that studying math and science will bring greater benefit, and I will develop this idea in the subsequent paragraphs.

After all, math and science can exploit the human brain by improving reasoning and decision-making. Through the subjects and pieces of training in math and science, a person can think neatly and confirm the cause and effects. Fast and good decision-making is one of the most important skills to master, as it will be used in our daily life. This skill is useful for both our professional and personal life. I have to admit that it is profoundly influenced by my own personal experience. Every work I have been doing until this day requires good decision-making skills. After improved my knowledge of technical reasoning, I can do faster and precise cost and benefit analysis, and this has improved my decision making drastically. If I haven't focused on them, I would never reach to today's position of senior economist at the central bank of the country.

Moreover, the knowledge of math and science is considered more important than art and literature in the corporate world. Math and science knowledge is often evaluated during the job enrollment process, and even more many employers are putting requirements on these areas. They don't want to provide pieces of training on math and science subject and the job requirements are simply demanding the person to have such knowledge and skills. Looking back to my first job experience, the executive director of the company has admitted that my grades on statistics and economics were a crucial factor. He said, the writing skills can be improved through a short time, but the technical knowledge requires more time and effort.

In light above-mentioned reasons, I am sure that math and science can push the student forward, and help him to find a strong spot in professional life.

END

Thank you very much for your time and guidance.

Hi! Firstly I think you have achieved the task response. Your big ideas are quite clear.
However, I think the introduction is too simple and informal. You should make it more academic. You also make a grammar mistake in this part: "If I forced to choose, I disagree with this statement" -> "If I were forced...".

In the next two paragraphs, you provide clear big idea, but the supporting ideas are too long and sometimes irrelevant. You should use more complex sentence as well as upgrade you vocabulary to reinforce your ideas.

Good luck!

Always maintain an academic tone. Never use phrase such as "tons of" or " don't want to". "Tons" of" can be referred to as "Several" or "numerous". Go for academic equivalents. This is an academic paper so there is no room for casual English or conjunctions such as "don't" instead of the more proper "do not". You also need to pay attention to the way that you use the word "I" in present tense. That is always followed by the singular reference pronoun "am".

You need a more TOEFL centered approach to the essay. You accidentally mixed the IELTS approach to paragraph paraphrasing and outlining in your essay. The TOEFL essay requires you to immediately discuss your opinion in the first paragraph and, you must include an outline of the paragraph discussion topics to help give you some guidance while developing your paper. The TOEFL test focuses more on the clarity of your discussion than anything else so you need not concern yourself with the scoring rubic used for the IELTS test. The TOEFL is scored using a different set of considerations.

Thank you very much!