IELTS2 - the power of advertising and the real needs of the society in which they are sold

IELTS Writing Task 2 Correction Support Request

Hi all,

I am from Vietnam and I am studying to beat IELTS test. I find it difficult writing an essay which completely meets all the test's requirements. I hereby would like to ask for your help in correcting my essays as you are english native speakers who have different ways in expressing ideas from mine. I would love to learn a lot from you guys. Thanks. Here is my latest essay:

Question: today, high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising and not the real needs of the society in which they are sold. To what extent do you agree or disagree? (write at least 250 words)

My essay:

These days, there are a lot of choices for consumers' spending, which are popularized by advertising. Yet there is an emerging notion that the high demand of one particular goods does not always directly correlate with the social actual needs. I would firmly affirm the likeliness of this topical issue, which may be attributed to some reasons, as shall now be discussed.

The development of internet and social media networks is the main reason for the effective sale of non-necessary consumers goods. There are more and more people joining the social media networks everyday and their shopping habits as well as surfing activities are collected by algorithms designed by service providers. After that, internet users are grouped to specific consuming habits in order that business can advertise items fitting their habits constantly. As a result, they are tempted to buy such things regardless of their true needs for others.

Another reason is that business is promoting their products increasingly by applying many marketing strategies, some of which are price deduction up to 50% for an exact purchased quatities, buy one get one free scheme or using famous people's endorsement. These activities consequently make commodities affordable and compelling to consumers. Therefore, the social demands for these types of items often exceed the actual necessity.

To conclude, it is right that people these days buy stuffs that they do not virtually require for their living. The reasons for the high sales are attributed to effective social media networks' advertisement and marketing strategies of the business.

Hy @Leon2501

Overall your ideas are good, you only need to make it simple and well-organized
In my opinion:
1. The first body is better starting talk about how the internet influences people to be more consumptive. For example:
Advertising on the internet tempt people to buy more items
2. The second body, simply your sentences by saying that many business sectors compete by organizing a big discount as a method to attract costumers
3. Be aware of the subject-verb agreement. Please recheck again your writing