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Rambo Verses the Boar; Descriptive Narrative Assignment



neuromancer 3 / 7  
Sep 18, 2009   #1
This essay is a Descriptive Narrative assignment, any feedback would be helpful... unfocused,structure, thesis,conclusion,too wordy, anything....

Rambo Verses the Boar

A loud bang resonated in the gray cement room. A cloud of white dust cascaded down and came to rest in my hair like a bad case of dandruff. The room fell silent, with everyone's eyes shifted towards me. I removed my big clunky yellow ear muffs slowly. I was still in shock. The black Berretta pistol I had rented at the indoor shooting range had jammed. I tried to pull the top slide open to check the chamber, but the gun went off. The recoil flipped the gun upwards firing straight up like a missile in front of my face, and into the ceiling above. In many situations the use of guns, whether used safely or irresponsibly always have the potential to end a life.

Guns can help provide protection from dangers, but in the process may take a life. As a teenager, my friend and I would watch all the Rambo movies. We wanted to be just like him, running around guns blazing taking out all the bad guys. During this time the bad guys were the wild boars that would sneak up, and steal the fallen mangoes from the trees behind my friend's house. The fear that the wild boars may someday attack us or my friend's dog, led us to buying BB/pellet rifles. That night under the cover of darkness, we remained concealed behind the coffee colored leather couch. We opened the windows, and parted the white curtains slightly, enough to just stick the tip of the long cylindrical gun barrel through .

As we remained silent like Rambo waiting to ambush his enemy, we soon heard the crunching of dried leaves, and the rustling of the bushes. My friends 4 year old black Labrador was restrained by a thick blue nylon leash, she paced back and forth franticly, and started to bark repeatedly. Emerging from the shrubbery was a husky black boar, its coarse fur matted and covered with red dirt. At that moment I whispered to my friend, "3,2,1 FIRE!". Simultaneously we squeezed on the cold steel of the guns trigger. The wild boars beady little eyes widened as it was startled by the loud pop from our rifles. A few seconds later It let out a grunting squeal as it was hit. The wounded boar then retreated quickly into the woodlands never to be seen again. We do not know if the wild boar survived, it could have very well have died from its wounds.

Guns have also been used in crimes, sometimes resulting in lives taken. One such incident was when I worked at a gas station mini mart. One night 6 years ago, I heard what I thought to be fire works popping. Severally seconds later I heard someone stumbling and cursing in pain outside the store. When the door opened, an out of breath dark skinned Filipino teenager entered, gasping for air. I saw on his chest a thick red ketchup stain seeping though his white cotton t-shirt. His long gazing stare and rapid talking was filled with a sense of panic. He told me to call 911 that he had been shot. I didn't react right away, I thought it was fake blood, a prank perhaps, for it was the day after Halloween. As I turned around looking through the thick bullet proof window behind me, I saw silhouettes of people congregating in the dim lit parking lot. I realized something must have happened. I then decided to call 911. Soon as I picked up the phone, the young Filipino boy sprinted back to the parking lot, collapsed on the black asphalt, and crumpled up into a fetal position. I noticed on the pavement from where he stood, a puddle of crimson colored blood that left a trail like volcanic lava forming tiny little islands. The sight of the blood made me shudder, and look away.

I found out later that it was a bad drug deal gone bad. The buyer had no intention of purchasing the 4-ounce bag of marijuana, and snatching it out of the dealers hands. As the drug dealer stood up out of his car, an ensuing tug of war with the ziploc bag of drugs transpired. The buyer finally stepped back lifted his shirt, pulled out a .22 revolver pistol from the waistbands of his shorts, and shot the dealer in the left eye, neck and chest. The drug dealers friend fearing for his life took off running towards my work place. In the process he was shot in the upper chest, back of the right arm and left leg. In the end the drug dealer died, his friend lived, and the shooter ended up in jail for murder.

What should we do to eliminate the needless loss of lives from guns? Would banning guns work? No, it has not worked in Britain, gun crime has actually gone up, there is more knife stabbings, and the law abiding citizens are left defenseless. We need to find non lethal alternatives for defense and protection. We need to realize how dangerous any potential weapon can be, how they are glorified in movies and how they impact our society.

DJKessler 2 / 4  
Sep 18, 2009   #2
"...out later that it was a bad drug deal gone bad. The buyer had no intention of purchasing the 4-ounce bag of marijuana, and snatch(ed) it out of the dealer's

"...war with the ziploc bag of drugs transpiredensued."

"The drug dealer's friend fearing for his life took off running towards my work place." This is a little too wordy, who was fearing for his life? The dealer, or the friend?

"...there isare more knife stabbings, and the law..." Knife stabbings is redundant.

Overall your essay is pretty good. Your final paragraph is weak. In your last paragraph you should try to use your two stories to exemplify the final sentence of the first paragraph. Maybe consider making a point. Elaborate.
OP neuromancer 3 / 7  
Sep 18, 2009   #3
hmmm hope this works, can conclusions start with a question?

Conclusion:

So what are the alternatives? We need to know how dangerous guns can be, and the implications that results from accidents, from protection usages, and from acts of crimes. When peoples lives are taken it affects families, and the communities. When animals lives are taken it affects our environments. Life is precious, and guns do not preserve life.
EF_Sean 6 / 3460  
Sep 18, 2009   #4
Your new conclusion is stronger, but still not that great. The obvious approach here is to denounce gun use vehemently and call for either an outright ban or much stronger gun control. You seem reluctant to do this, though, but as all of your examples are of guns being used negatively, I'm not sure why.

Perhaps you should think more deeply about the examples and see what conclusions you could reasonably draw from what you have described. In the first case, you have an accident in which no one was hurt. I'm not sure if it could have been avoided altogether -- were there safety protocols you should have followed that you didn't? -- but what lessons did you draw from the experience? Did you give up going to the shooting range? What does the second example show about guns? You felt bad about shooting an innocent animal, but it clearly wasn't an accident, and the fault doesn't seem to lie with the weapon. The third example is very gripping, and does show how guns can escalate situations -- even if the shooter had had a knife instead, the dealer's friend might have escaped. On the other hand, is the main lesson here that guns effectively reduce the number of drug dealers on the streets? You have done a good job on the description and narration, but you need to do more interpretation and reflection, and the conclusion is a good place for that.
OP neuromancer 3 / 7  
Sep 18, 2009   #5
=( After this my brain needs a day to recharge its fried =(ill come back and work on it again.

intro change:

...The recoil flipped the gun upwards firing straight up like a missile in front of my face, and into the ceiling above. After this incident I realized how close I was to being killed, and that guns were actually instruments of death.

newer conclusion:

As fore-mentioned we need to realize how dangerous guns can be, and the implications that results from accidents, from protection usages, and from acts of crimes. When peoples lives are taken it affects families, and the communities. When animals lives are taken it affects our environments. The police have taser guns or pepper spray at their disposal. We can build fences or walls to discourage intruders from our properties, but guns do not preserve life.
EF_Simone 2 / 1975  
Sep 18, 2009   #6
In many situations the use of guns, whether used safely or irresponsibly always have the potential to end a life.

I believe this is always true, not just "in many situations."

And Sean is right: Your ending is too tepid, particularly in light of your examples.
OP neuromancer 3 / 7  
Sep 19, 2009   #7
wow great feedback!, Thanks. if I gave this type of advice I would make all the girls cry in my english class they are so defensive and sensitive! I will tell them they are too tepid and need to open up and take more risks in their essays because as a reader why should we care if your a prisoner feeling lonley in jail if you put yourself in there from breaking the law, or that you sprained your ankle type of essays with no purpose!

conclusion

As fore-mentioned the implications that will result from gun usages are deaths from accidents, deaths from protection usages, and deaths from acts of crimes. Guns are meant to kill, but there are alternatives. The police have taser guns and pepper spray at their disposal and we can build barb wire fences to keep out intruders and wild animals. We can also have stricter gun laws so they don't fall into criminals hands. When guns kill, they impact families or disrupts nature and the environment. In the end we all suffer as a community you never know if that person killed was a doctor, a teacher, a mother,a father, a lover, or cause the extinction of a animal species.
EF_Sean 6 / 3460  
Sep 27, 2009   #8
This is more like it. You may not want to mention this, though:

deaths from protection usages

Few people are concerned about the deaths of murderous criminals who were killed in self-defense.


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