students should get jobs or not? why or why not? 'to be more confident'

i am preparing for ielst, however i think my writing is not good. could you give me more comment about: my grammar, sentence structure, logic, and so on, thanks so much

Students should have jobs during university. Do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, there are many changes in national education system all over the world; students' duties are becoming harder and more sophisticated. Some people, therefore, consider that students should spend all time for study. However, others encourage students to get jobs. Personally, I think that getting jobs during university brings many advantages for them, which will be proved by the following analysis.

To begin with, having jobs helps students manage their own time better, which is very important and useful skill throughout their lives. When they have jobs, it means that they have to do two things at the time; thus, they must learn how to spend their time more effectively to meet requirements and tasks for work and study. As a result, they can learn by themselves skill to manage time, which contributes them to get their own achievements in the future.

In addition, students can not just apply, but improve their knowledge and experience. When students get jobs related to their major, they will have chances to apply theoretical things into practice. They may learn some things which they cannot get at university. Of course, when they apply jobs after university, they are more likely to have advantages than others candidates

Last but not least, they can earn money from jobs. They may reduce supports from their parents and become more economically independent. They will afford to buy more books, clothes and so on, which help them more confident.

To sum up, I strongly believe that there are many benefits when students have jobs.

Overall I would say that this is well written. However, there are some structure problems.

These are related to tense (past, present future)

"Nowadays, there are many changes in national education system(s) all over the world; students' duties are becoming harder and more sophisticated."
(PAST: there have been many changes... PRESENT:Nowadays, national education system(s) are changing and students' duties have become...)

"...should spend all time for study." (PRESENT: should spend all their time studying)

These are more general structure problems.

"...getting jobs during university brings many..."
...getting jobs during college brings many... This is not a tense issue, but the word UNIVERSITY is usually used when referring to a place, and COLLEGE is usually used when referring to a time period or activity.

"...means that they have to do two things at the same time; thus, they..."

"...they can learn by themselves skill to manage time, which contributes to them getting their own..."

"...they apply for jobs after university, they are more likely to have advantages over others candidates.

"...earn money from their jobs. They may reduce supports from their..."

"They will be able to afford to buy more books, clothes and so on, which will help them to be more confident.

thank DJKessler very much. your comment encourages me very much; because, my teacher often says that my essays are very bad. any way, thanks so much.

oh, as far as we know, there are 2 parts in ielts writing test; however, i do not know any websites where i can post my writing task 1 for comment.if u know, pl give me ?thanks for your help