Let's change the dash to a semi-colon and also change a few words:
Aristophanes was hiccuping throughout Pausanias' speech and gargling and sneezing throughout Eryixamachus' speech; this could be seen as a way to
discount undermine Aristophanes' speech
, but I think it shows the weakness of the other two speeches.
I'm really nervous sharing on a public website
Well, we are all happy collaborators here. It's not cheating or anything like that it that is what you are worried about. Every minute we spend is more time for you to gain great insights about this.
While Plato describes many incidences where Aristophanes might be portrayed as little more than comic relief, his speech is actually quite grounded, emphasizing the human connection involved in Love. -----------You should google this: arguable thesis
I want to mention that this thesis statement might not be arguable enough. You should get creative and say something that not everyone would agree with. It can be this same statement, but if you add just one detail to it based on your unique perspective you can make it something more "arguable."
I think the points you make are good! Just dig a little deeper and tweak the thesis so that it is slightly more controversial and interesting.
:-)