Khaled Hosseini's "A Thousand Splendid Suns"; story of two Afghan women

I need at least a sentance or two more before "In 'A Thousand Splendid Suns,' Khaled Hosseini shifts..." Because that is my thesis. I also need a title for my paper and I am drawing a blank. If anything needs to be changed just tell me, I'm not very good at writing essays at all. Thanks so much!

Khaled Hosseini's, A Thousand Splendid Suns is a story of two Afghan women; Mariam and Laila. Although the women differ greatly in age and upbringing, when they are denied rights of equality and freedom, they realize they must work together to escape and live a better life. In A Thousand Splendid Suns, Khaled Hosseini shifts the narrative perspective throughout the different sections. Overall, the story is told from an omniscient third person. The external character shows the reader world events as they happen and how it affects the main characters, Mariam and Laila, with a factual, unbiased perspective. As the story progressed, we switch to third person limited to understand Mariam and Laila's individual struggles and experiences, yet we never know what any of the other characters are thinking unless it is said. By shifting narrative perspectives, Hosseini demonstrates how women help each other achieve a shared goal in a time of civil war and social inequality.

Hey Miranda,

Not a bad start at all, though there are some changes I would make. I'm guessing this is solely your introductory paragraph, in which case it would be helpful and more interesting to start off with a different type of sentence than simply a statement as you have. Having said that, most of the edits I made below are simply grammatical fixes, which is not much at all. I have included an example for the "intro" setence (at least what I was thinking), though I haven't read this book and cannot, therefore, give proper advice or examples pertaining to an appropriate introductory attention grabber:

The blue are sections that are worded a bit strangely: I would advise changing the wording of those phrases, though I could not give direct feedback since I have not read the book and, thus, do not know exactly what you were referring to in those instances. The red are those that I felt sounded better in context and more appropriate for your paper/thesis. Feel free to pick and choose from the changes I made and good luck!