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"Saving Hamlet" - Feedback and editting on my essay for English



TheMadHatter 2 / 3  
Apr 21, 2010   #1
I had to tell how the poem 'If' and the play 'Hamlet' contrasted in at least two paragraphs. Then, in at least four paragraphs, I had to tell about these points:

-How do you view the concepts of choice, consequence and responsibility?
-How does each choice you make, whether trivial or critical, create the person you are to become and meaning in your life?
-Why must you not seperate choice, consequence and responsibility?
-Do you find it powerful that you have the ability to choose how you act, speak, think and even feel?

It had to be at least 4 pages, double spaced. It's worth 40 marks, and I am in grade 12.
Can you help me edit this essay, and tell me what mark you'd give me, marking on a University level? Thanks.


Saving Hamlet

Shakespeare's play Hamlet was a tragedy of epic proportions, with almost every character dying because of Hamlet's over-thought course of action. However, with a proper mindset, Hamlet may have survived through the play, sparing many other lives as well.

Hamlet's main character flaw was his process of thinking, and consequently, it led to his demise. If Hamlet were to have followed the advice of Rudyard Kipling in his poem entitled 'If', things may have turned out differently. 'If' is a poem full of good advice that could help anyone in the worst situations.

"If you can dream---and not make dreams your master; If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim."
In contrast to what Kipling expresses in this line, Hamlet spends every waking moment over-thinking his decisions. On the other hand, Hamlet also seems to value people who act foolishly, basing choices on animalistic instincts. Hamlet bases his actions on one extremity or another throughout the play---whether he thinks too much or thinks too little; and it doesn't seem to make his life easier.

To specify what I mean, I will give two examples of Hamlet's behaviour from scenes from the play. When his murderous uncle Claudius is praying and admitting his sins to God, Hamlet has a perfect opportunity to act-out his revenge by stabbing Claudius while his eyes are shut. He avoids this opportunity though, his excuse being that if he kills Claudius while he is praying, there's a chance that Claudius will go to heaven. Unlike this behaviour is what Hamlet displays only moments after this scene, while Hamlet is speaking with his mother. He realizes that there is someone listening to their conversation from behind the curtain. Without even giving it a thought, he stabs through it, thinking it is his uncle. He ends up killing Polonius, who was spying on them in Claudius's place. This one death is the start of a chain reaction of death, which effects almost every character in the play.

Choice, consequence, responsibility; these are three things Hamlet seemed to separate, possibly caused by his insanity. All the choice you make have consequences that are attached to them, whether they are good or bad. Therefore, it is our responsibility, to ourselves and to those around us, to choose only the things that bring along good consequences. For example, you choose to get your homework done, you get a good grade, and as a result, you and your parents are happy. Because Hamlet did not connect those three words, his actions ended up dooming himself and the characters that surround him.

Personally, I keep these values close to my heart, but not so close that it can suffocate me. Although it doesn't appear like it, every choice that I make, I do think about the possible consequences and how it will effect my friends and family. But even though I do this, I also have another philosophy I'd like to share: Don't take life seriously. We only live once, so why bother wasting it by always doing the things that are safe? It's bad to always make wrong choices, but doing a stupid thing every once and awhile is fun, not to mention emotionally healthy.

These choices we make---whether they are bad or good---all show off a certain aspect of our personalities, giving the people around us a taste of who we really are. It could be something as simple as choosing to walk instead of run, or a big decision like getting engaged to someone you love. Every single choice shows who we are, but the thing you have to remember is to not let your choices create you, because you create the choices.

Of course, I'll admit that most of us don't have complete power over our choices. The media and our peers constantly attempt to change our way of thought, and convince us to make the same choices as the rest of society. For example, fashion is one choice that the media pushes girls to, especially at a young age. When it comes down to it though, the only one controlling your brain should be you. We have power to make our own choices, so we cannot let the media and our peers make us afraid to make choices that contrast with society's image.

In conclusion, I would just like to leave you with some things to ponder. Whenever you make a choice, think about how it effects the ones around you. If your decisions give you bad consequences, or if it ends up hurting someone else, then is it really worth it? Will you stop, and change the path you take, or will you be a Prince Hamlet, and cause a tragedy for everyone around you?

"If you fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds' worth of distance run, yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son!"

-Rudyard Kipling

EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Apr 22, 2010   #2
That intro paragraph could use another sentence. I think another sentence could add definition to the paragraph, and that would make the whole essay more meaningful.

Oh! It will be excellent if you put the first 2 paragraphs together. It'll be perfect for introducing the two paragraphs and expressing your thesis statement.

Choice, consequence, responsibility; these are three things Hamlet seemed to separate misunderstand, possibly because of his insanity.

Personally, I keep these values close to my heart, but not so close that it they...

Nice ending... Thanks for sharing this great essay!


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