Essay ( On Star Wars and Lord Of The Rings)

Hi
I am really desperate because my essay has a lot of errors in it. My teacher marked my draft already but i still need help with editing. If isn't too much trouble, feel free to make any other changes you may see.

The visual text, "Star Wars: Revenge of The Sith", directed by George Lucas, and the novel, "The Lord Of The Rings: Fellowship of the Ring" written JR Tolkien; are connected. The extent to which the two texts are connected is as broad as the epic conflicts between good and evil. Incentives present themselves to the characters in ways which resemble evil and lust for power. Such connections are noticeable through the techniques that the director emphasises; for example Juxtaposition and colour connation. "Star Wars: Revenge Of The Sith" On the other hand "The Lord Of The Rings: Fellowship of The Ring", is based on repetition (associations towards the ring itself) and use of imagery and metaphor.<poor expression> Clever techniques and use of shallowness from characters show us the life of being influenced to evil.</poor expression>

The main characters of both texts, Anakin from "Star Wars: Revenge of The Sith" and Frodo Baggins from "Lord Of the Rings: "Fellowship of the Ring", are influenced by their deeper in ambitions. A connection of events can be found when both are tested with moments that judge their ability to surpass evil. Furthermore, greed and jealousy corrupts the heart of Frodo Baggins.<sentence structure> As the possessor of the great malice and cruelty sometimes it becomes too much for the both of them; the suit that defines Anakin from Darth Vader, and the ring that influences Frodo from Lord Sauron. Strong friendships around Frodo that kept him strong. </sentance structure> Despite Anakin having the guidance of Obi-Wan, his arrogance quickly turned him into a victim of moral corruption; violating the decisions of the Jedi Council and freely allows himself to be manipulated by Palpatine.

There are some minor characters that share the same traits. Obi-Wan is similar to Sam as he is the voice of reason to show the light for both the characters. Gollum is similar to Palpatine because their goals to obtain power; Gollum through the ring and Palpatine through Anakin, through manipulation. Both there use to intervene and push the characters towards the force of Darkness.<poor expression> Frodo gets through his personal endeavours with his friends despites the odds while Anakin ends up fighting his Master.</poor expression>

<bad sentance structure and expression>The theme of both texts is the perspectives of good and evil. </bad sentance structure and expression>Frodo is not an evil person but unconsciously the ring fills his thoughts with greed. Frodo denies that the evil is getting stronger everyday. But because of his courage and love towards others he chooses not to reveal that it's making him evil and Anakin on the other hand is just a victim of the same problem, but he believes that he is pure and that his lost of his love and people he wants to protect will not influence his judgement has on turned into his demise. But all surrounding he knows that he grows hungry for power and that selfishness to gain his needs, even if in the end it ends up hurting more people. When both are brought to a postion of power, Frodo is able to realise that the evil is caused by the ring, while Anakin's egotistical nature and unwillingness to listen to advice caused him to inflict harm to himself and others. </bad sentance structure and expression>

(Entire Paragraph below is filled with bad expression and sentence structure)
A futuristic setting in Star Wars: Revenge of The Sith show great contrast to the mythical setting in Lord of The Rings. Both dimensions share the burden of belonging to an environment of war and chaos. But behind all there is hope and freedom toward a free peaceful life. The political climate of both text and film opens itself to us as corruption and violence. This is because the essence of their political system is dictatorship and power; the societies in both text and film are ruled by a totalitarian society. Both texts are equipped with elements of the supernatural; such as mythical animals and magical powers. However, we also have the just and free society that is open towards all. For example, The Republicans from "Star Wars: Revenge Of The Sith" and The Hobbits from "Lord Of The Rings: Fellowship Of The Ring".

The ideas of both texts enforce the main theme of the battle between "good and evil". The general battle in both texts involves a group such as Republicans vs the Separist Clones and Middle Earth against the Orcs. The internal battles between good and evil are the battle between the Jedi knights in Star Wars. <Bad Expression> While in "Lord of The Rings: Fellowship of the Ring" we have the battle between the King of Aragon against Sauron's influences. </Bad Expression>

<Bad Expression Below>
Foreshadowing in both texts are about the conflict between good and evil, but also about overcoming the evil to reach the happiness and joys in life. In a world set in chaos, both heroes are presented with a position of power; but only one overcomes the forces of darkness. Different perspectives from opposing sides fight one another but only these two characters play a major role in determining the outcome. With the similarities that are presented to us, from the characters to the themes, we can only suspect that "Star Wars: Revenge Of The Sith' and "Lord Of The Rings: Fellowship of The King" are connected, namely the setting, theme and the characters.

Any kind of feedback will be greatly appreciated.

Greetings!

Sometimes things get a little garbled in the translation from the brain to the fingers (typing or writing). I think, for one thing, that your writing would benefit by being read aloud. Go through every sentence and read it out loud, making sure it says what you intended it to say. I think you will find with sentences like these that it does not sound right:

for example Juxtaposition and colour connation."Star Wars: Revenge Of The Sith" On the other hand "The Lord Of The Rings: Fellowship of The Ring", is based on repetition (associations towards the ring itself) and use of imagery and metaphor. - I was not able to tell whether "Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith" was supposed to go with the phrase that preceded it or the one that came after it. It is just sort of stuck there by itself.

Clever techniques and use of shallowness from characters show us the life of being influenced to evil. - I doubt that you speak like this; it would be a very awkward way of talking. Why say "the use of shallowness from characters" when you could simply say "shallow characters"? Remember that more words and more syllables does not necessarily make for better writing. In fact, it often detracts. Here's another way you could express the same sentence: "The authors employ clever techniques to create shallow characters who are easily influenced by evil." I'm a little unsure about saying "clever techniques," though, because if you say that, you must then explain what sorts of techniques you are talking about. To leave it like that would be too general.

You employ semicolons quite a bit. You should probably avoid them; they can be a bit tricky to use. Notice how in the previous sentence, both phrases on either side of the semicolon were complete sentences. You can put a period in place of a semicolon, but you cannot substitute a semicolon where a comma should go, because a semicolon divides two independent clauses. Each one must be able to stand on its own.

I think you should go through each sentence in your essay and read it out loud. Ask yourself if it sounds natural. Is there a clearer way to express it? For example, "Incentives present themselves to the characters in ways which resemble evil and lust for power." Why "resemble"? What incentives? Instead you could say "The characters are tempted by evil which creates in them a new-found lust for power." I think if you concentrate on expressing yourself more simply, your writing will be much less likely to be branded with "bad expression" by your teacher.

Give it a try--go through each sentence and see how clear you can make it! I bet you can do it!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

You created the foundation to build my work on. Thank you Sarah.

I'm surprised that your advice has cut down all my expression and structure errors. Even though there aren't any in my essay; my teacher still finds some sentences confusing or "full of nonsense".

For example,

...Frodo insists to them that the ring's evil is not becoming stronger. This display of courage is in stark contrast to Anakin's actions, despite being a victim of the same problem

Although both dimensions show the burden of belonging to a chaotic enviroment, beneath the surface...

Greetings!

I think "full of nonsense" is a bit strong! :-) But let's take a look at these sentences:

This display of courage is in stark contrast to Anakin's actions, despite being a victim of the same problem. - It is not clear what you are referring to as the "victim of the same problem." Is the display of courage the victim? Is Frodo? Are Anakin's actions? One cannot be sure.

Although both dimensions show the burden of belonging to a chaotic enviroment, - This one is a little harder to tell about, because it is out of contest. However, I do think it would benefit from being made simpler. A phrase like "show the burden of belonging to" is a bit unwieldy. Better would be to just say something like "both dimensions spring from a chaotic environment" or "both dimensions are negatively affected by the chaos of their environment." Make sure you have explained in the preceding sentence what you mean by "both dimensions."

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com