Essay about the use of diction in William Stafford's "Traveling Through the Dark

I began writing a few paragraphs for this essay and asked my prof. for some advice. Firstly, here is how i started:

In "Traveling Through the Dark," William Stafford's use of descriptive words, and their arrangement, invites the reader to explore the dark interactions between the speaker and the environment. In these interactions, man and modern technology play a negative role against the environment. Also, his use of verbs display man's ruthlessness towards nature, as well as uncertainty when dealing with it.

In the first stanza Stafford uses clever word order to alter the way the reader looks at the early lines of the poem. He writes, "Traveling through the dark I found a deer//dead on the edge of the Wilson River road" (1-2). The word "deer" is mentioned first, which makes the reader believe there is a live deer on the road. However, on the second line "dead" is written informing the reader that the deer has been killed, most likely by the speaker. Stafford's ordering of these words takes the reader from a calm feeling in the first line, to a gloomy feeling in the second.

Another significant line in the first stanza is, "the road is narrow; to swerve might make more dead." (4). The verb "swerve" is significant because it shows a lack of control, as if the driver was caught off guard. As human beings we do not like to be at fault, and the driver swerving out of the way depicts that he was not paying attention and the death of the deer is on his hands. Stafford also uses an example of alliteration on the same line with the words "might make more". Alliteration is very direct and straight, but in this poem it is linked with swerving and more death. In my opinion Stafford is saying that if the driver was to leave the deer and continue straight down his path, it could lead to the death of others who follow behind him.

He told me it was interesting but I needed a more specific thesis, and that my topic sentences were weak (need to use very specific evidence in the paragraphs as well). Also, I need to add more literary devices in my analysis. Any ideas or tips that I could use? Thanks

PS- link for the poem >>>>eliteskills.com/c/12824

It sounds really great so far. I've never read the poem before, but from your analysis I can already start to understand much of the techniques used by the author.

-As for the thesis, I would say to take out the part about "his use of verbs" because that should be a specific point to talk about later in the body paragraphs. And instead, put something like "the diction does...this" so that way you're identifying the literary device you'll be talking about and also pointing out WHAT that device does.

-And, yes, your topic sentences should do the same thing. Instead of "uses CLEVER words" put something more specific like what type of "clever" words. saying that he uses clever words doesn't really tell me anything. also instead of "specific line" say why it's important ie: "another emotional line" or "thought-provoking" or something like that.

-You could try to identify any metaphors/ similes or personification<-- all great literary devices.
GREAT JOB!

Yes, whenever you write fewer than 4 sentences in your intro it is going to seem like the thesis statement is underdeveloped. These first 3 sentences are good, but they touch on many different things. An essay is supposed to be about ONE GRAND THING, one grand idea.

So... ADD A SENTENCE TO THE END OF THE INTRO PARAGRAPH to put all those observations together into one big observation about Stafford's personality, philosophy (as it seems to you) or any interesting observation based on his style. You can even suggest that his style reveals something about his personality. You can't just say, "He uses this device and that device..." You have to add a sentence to the end of that intro paragraph that gives a THEME for your essay, a memorable, creative observation that you make when you really have deeply appreciated this poem (and perhaps compared it to other people's poems to get some perspective.)

About topic sentences and support... try this recipe for paragraphs:
Topic sentence tells the main idea of the paragraph. One paragraph = one idea.
Sentence 2 elaborates or explains what you mean by what you just said in the topic sentence.
Sentence 3 gives an example or a quote.
Sentence 4 evaluates what you just said and comments on it thoughtfully... its implications and what it really means.

:-)