I've been thinking about the prompts for days but still got nothing yet; personal essay!

i've been thinking about the prompts for days but still got nothing yet.
So here i am! i really want to know how to start as the deadline of early action/decision is coming up soon.
i read several ps here and i found everybody had his or her uniqueness but i can't really find anything that would stand me out so i am worried.

Any ideas or suggestions are appreciated :)

Thanks

Fiona, before you start to worry needlessly about how you come out as unique and passionate or whatever in your essay, you first need to understand how the essays are written. Right now, you believe that you need to think very hard of what you want to say in your essay when it is actually the other way around. First wait for your application packet from the university of your choice and then look over the essay requirements. These essays are what we work on helping the students to polish here.

The university will send an application packet that will include some essay requirements. Read the questions being asked by each essay. Ponder the question, then outline what it is you want to say. Make sure you understand what the essay is asking you write about even before you outline you paper. It won't hurt if you ask for an explanation if you don't understand the question. Once you have outlined your essay, you can now draft it and bring it over here for further review and improvements as needed.

I hope this clarifies things for you. The students do not just write a personal essay in general terms. There is always a question posed and an answer being given. So you cannot second guess the essay and write something that you hope will answer a possible question. So for now, just relax and wait. You will be nervous enough when the application packets start arriving at your doorstep :-)

Thanks Vangiespen!
I think I need to clarify the personal essay. I am talking about the essay that is required on the common app. Maybe it has an another name that I didn't know, sorry for that though.

Yea, I really hope you can help me with how to come up with ideas about that essay.
(You are fast btw!! so cool!!)

Fiona, like I said, the essays come with prompts. The common prompts also have topics about you that help you develop an idea to discuss in the essay. Read the essay instructions. It should have a question listed somewhere there. It could be something along the lines of :

"What event in your life do you feel defines you as a person?"

"Is there anything special about yourself that is not mentioned in the application form? Please tell us about this special thing that sets you apart from the other applicants."

"How do you feel our university will help you achieve your goals as a XX major?"

Those are some examples of prompt questions that you might come across. It will be better said in the official forms. Mine are just off the top of my head versions of the common essay prompts. Try to see if you can find some of these questions in your list and try to write an essay or post the prompt here so we can give you some topic ideas :-)

actually I want to write about the club that i founded. But I am looking for things that are unrelated to the activities... so i don't know where to start. Here are the 5 prompts that i should choose from:

...

and i also wonder if I should get an idea and see which question fits my topic the best or i should pick one question and start working on the question..?

thank you :)

hey!
i just thought about to write a draft to see if it works for my personal easy, but it is too long for 650 words limited. However, i guess, it would be better than nothing so i post it here and want help, especially on how to cut the part of the essay, from you. Thanks in advance again ;)

and i think i brought China to America indeed.
(OR: so that's how i brought China to America.)

as the last paragraph.

- I am not sure what you mean by this. Normally, you look for ways to make your activity fir the topic.

I actually found a number of prompts that will allow you to relate your club experiences. If you are interested in writing about it, the topics are:

You could choose any one of these topics to be the basis of your essay using the club you founded as a subject of the paper.


- Pick the question that you feel you can best answer and work on it. Don't try to fit an idea into a question. That will make the essay very difficult to write.

The essay that you wrote is not effective. It sounds like your brain was just spinning its wheels trying to get your mind to come up with ideas to fill a page. If you want to make this essay work and make it worth the while of the admissions officer to read, you will choose a prompt from the 5 provided and write an essay that answers the question posed :-)

so what should i do with this essay...?

do you think i need to rewrite a whole other thing?

In my opinion, yes, you should rewrite the essay using one of the prompt provided in the application packet. In fact, this is what you can do, write an essay for each common app question. That way you can talk about yourself in a wider manner. You can present various aspects of your personality and character traits in line with the expectations of the university admissions officer.After writing and perfecting 5 different versions of your essay, you will be able to not only practice writing in the English language, but you will give yourself the opportunity to choose which of the essays you wrote best represents you. That should be the essay that you present with the rest of your application documents. It may stand the best chance of catching the attention of the admissions officer who in turn, may seriously consider your application because of the essay you presented.

Of course if you want to just develop the essay that you wrote as a general essay, you will need to provide your own prompt and revise the essay based upon your perceived expectations of the admissions officer. In other words, you can either waste your time doing something you want to do, or you can use the time wisely by preparing essays that the university will actually read. The choice is yours to make :-) We will just be here to assist you.

It all started with a joke - common app

This is an essay for common app. Any suggestions will be appreciated :)
Thanks in advance!

assignment's prompt:
Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

"Whenever you feel like criticizing any one, just remember that all the people in this world haven't had the advantages that you've had." (The Great Gatsby)

"What did you do in America last year?" Different people - my relatives, friends and some strangers who heard that I've been to America last year - would asked me the same question in diverse places.

While I was wondering if they all colluded on that one, I answered with confidence: "I brought China to America!"
"Wait, wait, what? How?" and I saw all the same, confused faces and I wondered again if they colluded on that one as well. Yes, bringing China to America is the best thing I have ever done that made me mature and well developed as a young adult.

All in all, it all started with a joke.
[...]


I did, vangiespen !!!
will you please look at the essay i rewrite last night, please?
I added a quote from the Great Gatsby and the part after the story is totally changed.(the quote is something like the main idea of my essay I believe)

I just write it from another perspective although it is still something about the club, but the focus changed on me.
I wanna to ask that how should I shorten the story part and get the focus of me stands out? That has confused me for a long time.

Thank you indeed!

Firstly, is'nt your essay passing the word limit? I don't know the limit, just warning you to make sure of it.

Ok, there are some tiny grammatical problems : would asked me the same
+ are you sure collude is an appropriate verb for this essay and you purpose?
When I was walking to the school gate from my last period at Art room with Matthew as the bell ringed loudly and proudly.
chattedwere chatting about the smart kids at class and the popular girls at court,- just basically about the school life-
"Well, you know, Chinese kids are smart as stereotyped. in the stereotypes.
And we allboth (you were only 2!) laughed, especially me,. I didn't know why but I laughed really hard as I could not believe that peopleanyone would trust the nonsense descriptions I had said.

they have dark red eyes",that somethingsomething that would never come true, or even if it were true, he should have already heard about it on the news or on his biology book or something official, not from me, orally.

However, after I got home, when I told the story to my host family (they are Americans) during dinner time and expected the laughing sounds filled with the house as usually I do, things turned out different.Later that night during dinner time, when telling the story to my.. and expecting the house filled with the laughin sounds, however, everything turned out differently.

When they got the same oh-really faces on me and I decided to retreat the whole thing again, maturely but not just being like a kid who only knew what's funny or treat others with contempt. I started to wonder why Mat would believe me in the first place. I would say: yes, I admitted that I was a nice actress and could disguise me pretending to laugh really well, but this reason was insufficient. This part is completely unclear. Your first sentence is not complete.

And I thought about the culture; I guessed it was because I had said "Chinese" but not just "random people".
if I had said Americans in general had red eyes he would have absolutely laughed

maybe for the guilty I hadguilt I felt or maybe for missionaryjust as a Chinese foreign culture spreader.

Then I told the Chinese history from Tang dynasty to Qing dynasty to Mat everyday after school, in front of the school gate.I started telling mat the Chinese history from Tang Dynasty to Qing dynastu everyday after school, in ..

Overall, the concept is perfect and shows your personallity and capabilities .

thanks for your help!
yea, it did pass the word limit which would be 650 only...
however, do you think the essay is on the topic?
and i am wondering if you have any suggestions on how to cut the story part short...:)
thank you

hi vangiespen!
i am wondering if you are willing to email me, or i email you so that you can help me with my essay as i think you are really good at it.

i am willing to pay some money for it, if it will be cool with you.
thanks

Hi Fiona, if it's alright with you, I would rather that we just work on your essay here :-) Company policies do not allow me to provide you with my email address. However, you can send me a private message each time you upload a new essay with the link to it so that my attention can be called to the post and I will be able to concentrate on helping you each time. There are numerous essays uploaded to the server per hour but I make sure to always go back to help the students who have relied on my advice in the past. Don't worry, I won't stop helping you with any of your essays as long as you are not comfortable with the essay that you have :-) I'll always be here to help you out. Just sent me the PM every time you upload a fresh essay. I'll respond as soon as I can :-) I look forward to helping you out as best as I can ;-)

Fiona, there is actually a way to bring down your word count by deleting the dialogue in the story that you are telling. I find that it is always best to keep the dialogue as minimal as possible when writing essays like this. That is because this is not a creative writing assignment. It is a common app where you should mostly "tell" the reader about what happened and how you reacted to it rather than letting the dialogue tell the story. Let me offer a sample of this.


- Keep this as your introductory dialogue but then skip to the most important part of the essay. You will totally have to skip the dialogue exchange in order to bring up;

Let me show you how an effective introduction would work with this quote:
Chinese have a very different view of Americans, their culture, and their way of life. As a society, Chinese tend to make fun of the Americans because we understand very little about the society and its culture. All of that changed for me the year I went to the United States as an exchange student. I learned more about the Americans and how wrong the Chinese were in their beliefs. I felt compelled to alter this image. Leading me to found the Mandarin Orange Club.

Now, you can introduce the Mandarin Orange Club and why you consider your founding of this club to be a serious accomplishment on your part. Use the following as the basis for your revised paragraph:

...
Build up the reasons that you had for founding this club and what accomplishments it has achieved so far. This will show the accomplishment of your activity and the sense of maturity that has developed within you because of your interest in helping bring America to China and vice-versa.

If you can develop these parts, you will be able to bring down the word count and answer the essay direct to the point. Once you post the drafts here, I will personally help you edit and revise the essay until you are quite satisfied with what you have written :-)

these are basically my reasons that led me to found the club...while the idea actually occurred was on my government class when my teacher asked me about how to improve america on the topics of guns, drugs and so forth and i gave an answer as "to be communism" while other kids were just wondering and discussing how but gave no answers.and then i realized the different thinking ways between the kids who are lived under the different culture, country and political backgrounds so i decided to break the wall between to two different thinking ways and try to find the equilibrium point as that is the only way to help the whole country, whether china or america, make progress.

well, that sounds too big, but i just want to say that i found out that the perspectives of one thing have many, and i realized that. so it is my duty, or my generation's duty to embrace the finding of equilibrium.

should i write about the reason like this?
or would you give other advice or rephrase them?

more:


should i just introduce it in a formal way?
like it is the 1st club ever that uses chinese and the founder teaches chinese at that school...or introduce chinese culture that people are usually misunderstood?

or just introduce the email program is enough? however, i am concerned that i do have a brief introduction on my additional information of my common app, because i used my chinese club as an activity. will that be okay? or what do you think i should do??

thank you!!!:)

Fiona, please let me rephrase this for you. Hopefully I will be able to capture the essence of your paragraph. If not, I'll work with you till we sort it out :-)

I founded the Mandarin Orange Club because of a question that arose in my Government class. During one particularly interesting lecture, we discussed what methods could be implemented in order to help the American system of government become more effective. We were taught that the government currently could not handle the problems of gun control, illegal drugs, and other very "American" problems. Feeling like I understood the American system very well, I came up with a smug answer" They should be run under Communism." It seemed to be the logical answer to the problem. After all, Communism works very well for China.

Now comes my problem with your essay. You explained the basis of the club, but did not really tell us how the club functioned and how it succeeded or did not in helping bridge the gap in social understanding between the two nations. Kindly explain that part to me and I will see how I can polish it into a paragraph that will work well with the one I developed above for you :-) Take your time. Rushing will get you nowhere when writing an essay like this :-)

We have meeting every Wednesday after school. Because I was really nervous and was not really confident the first time at the meeting, I simply let them ask me questions about what they were interested in Chinese or what subjects they wanted to learn about. So after that meeting, I prepared chinese learning process including learning numbers, simple grammar, and even how to say their names in chinese. And also, I always had a part that was appealling because it included the interesting aspects about chinese culture and history. So basically I teach a class of 27 students who are interested in china, however, I found the answers that I came up with were not always adequate or true, so I connected my chinese friends and let them also enjoyed this group while they are still students in china. During the process, the students on the both sides learned that either extreme is not helpful and when we consider problems, we always need to find a point that includes the beauty of intelligence, honesty, friendship, and selflessness. I think it did help both sides of them understand the culture of each other much better, as later in my government class, we never talked about things from only American side but also from a chinese side. I felt much more confortable sitting in my government class and felt truly involved and blessed.

I think the biggest achievement that I got is that I made them change their perspectives not totally by adding a almost another extreme thought but help them find the equilibrium point. I feel like everybody is on one end of a lever, the mission of me is too tell everyone that don't be afraid of walking to another side, because you may fall down or get hurt on the way walking till the middle, but as you achieve it, you will find the beauty of equal.

I don't know if my answer if clear... as I am really worried that I could not write a good essay... please ask me more questions because I do want to dig into myself to show the thinking or the quality myself. Thank you!

As for the PM, I didn't find the bottom that says mail...I am a little bit confused..

Fiona, revise the whole essay, Concentrate on the creation of the club, the reasons behind it, the objectives of the club, and the eventual results of your work with the club. If you concentrate on just those parts, you will manage to deliver the requirements of the prompt which state that you have to discuss an accomplishment that marked your transition from child to adulthood. Remember to mention the specific parts or events that you feel forced you to transition or helped you transition. Tell us how it felt when the club achieved the objectives that you set out to reach. Don't be afraid to discuss some of the failures that you may have had along the way. That will show us the path towards maturity that you underwent. It will make your essay more effective. It will also help if you made the essay take on a more serious tone instead of the current light point of view that it has. We are going for academic writing, not casual statements :-) I hope my advice helps.

Sorry about having taken so long to get back to you. I had some personal errands to attend to last week that took up almost all of time. I'll be here if you still want to continue working on this essay :-)

it's alright:)
i hope i know how to use the PM!!!!
anyway, i revise the whole essay and i think it is much better than the stuff before but further improvement is still needed.
Thank you!!!!!Vangiespen!!!! :)

Fiona, if I could pat you on the back, I would! This is a wonderful revision. I agree that it needs work but the point right now is that you were able to direct the essay in such a manner that you were able to give a solid background regarding your reasons for establishing the Orange Mandarin Club. Excellent work. Now let me help you clean it up.

- I still remember how the Government class I took in the United States left me hurting. The class discussion was all about gun control and how it was becoming extremely difficult for the government to control it. When I was was asked for my opinion, I gave my honest answer, "Be more communist". That was the world I knew and as far as I was concerned, the Chinese government policies prevented the need for gun control measures. The class roared with laughter. Teasing me because they saw Communism as a bad thing. I found myself asking "How can foreigners truly know what our government in China is like?" I was hurt and I felt the need to do something to correct this American misconception about China.

- We can skip this and go directly to the founding of the club for more effect.

- ... I was now no longer irritated by the American misconceptions. Instead, I took pride in what I was doing for my motherland. Seeing the eyes of my American classmates glitter with interest and trust in what I and my friends were sharing with them, I knew that the misunderstanding between us would finally be cleared up. Hopefully, the day would come when we could finally say that the misunderstanding never existed.

I hope this works for you :-)

oh, i was saying the other kids were being sarcastic and didn't think i understand what "should" be talked about in american class. But this revising is good as well.

can i ask the reasons why you think the middle two paragraphs are unnecessary? i thought these are my realization and thinking process... i thought the AO would love to see what i learned from it... or how i did so...

also, i like your pieces a lot!!! however, with your new version, i only have 377 words left.. well, i am concerned if this is too short for personal essay.

the last thing is that what about the conclusion. i do write something to conclude the essay, what should i do with it??
:) thanks a lot for your help!!

Fiona, the reason you need to delete the middle paragraph is because it does not help the essay along. You mentioned a very good point, that Government class was not teaching what you expected. Voice that out in this particular section instead. Explain how government class should be helping to shape international diplomats instead by teaching the students how the United States can better cooperate with the rest of the world, whether that country be governed as a democracy or communism. That is the reason you became angry and that is the reason why you felt slighted by your classmates.

As for the conclusion, if you can tell me what ideas you have for it, I can probably help you shape it into a real concluding paragraph. One suggestion I can make is that you write about how the past experience has shaped your future ambition and how you hope to continue promoting the objectives of the club at your next school. Just try writing your feelings down and we will whip it into something usable :-)

- Add the following to this sentence; "I founded the Mandarin Orange Club in response to what happened to me in the Government class." This will give the foundation and reasons behind your funding of the club as an overview.

Fiona, let me try to write a conclusion for you based upon the information that you provided:

I know that China is one of the most misunderstood countries in the world. Americans in particular see us as some kind of monster and slave drivers, demonizing China and the actions of our government to the rest of the world. I am very proud of the way that the Mandarin Orange Club that I founded has helped change the image of China, at least amongst my peers and schoolmates. As far as I am concerned, a person can consider himself to be an adult when he learns to care about something bigger than himself. I know that my country, my parents, and my friends, will agree that by founding the club, I have proven a sense of maturity beyond my years. I understand how misconceptions can harm a country that means no harm to the rest of the world and I will continue to do my best to correct the misconception that China is a monster out to enslave the world.

Thanks for your prompt reply, Vangiespen!
However, I felt the conclusion is too strong on the country parts. Because what i want to show AO is that I can see things in different angles, or at least two angles. But the main point is not about China and America... the misconception is like a trigger of me establishing my club, but not the aim of my essay...So is there another way to conclude the passage???

a few questions here: I didn't see you correct or revise any parts in the follow paragraphs... would you give me some ideas on those two?? :)

Fiona, one way you can conclude this essay is by sharing the way your parents , teachers, classmates, or peers have changed their opinion of you as a person. Explain how you ar enow seen as a more mature person with a much wider understanding of the world than these people originally thought you did. Explain how this club helped you mature as a person in both thoughts, logic, and actions. Try to write something up and I will try to help you polish it :-)

The reason that you did not see any changes in those paragraphs stems from my opinion that the paragraphs work in its current form. Now, if you want to change some things in it, let me know what those changes are and I will help you make the revisions successfully :-)

"How can we improve gun control policies?"

My government teacher posed this question to the mass of students before him, standing formidably at the front of the classroom.
This was not the first time that I had been asked such an "American" question. As a Chinese exchange student, I have often wondered how to answer such questions most tactfully. While my classmates brainstormed about detailed government implementations, I was trying to open a new line of thinking.

"To be more communist." The words blurted out of my mouth without any hesitation. The class roared with laughter. A classmate who seated behind me scoffed harshly at my suggestion: "How could a foreigner like YOU know what OUR government is like? Hahaha"

His words stung. I could feel my face getting red.

I was upset, but all I could do was fume silently in my seat. "Were all Americans so ignorant and close-minded?" I felt like there was a thick wall reinforced with steels between the others and me, a wall that could never be broke down.

However, life proved me wrong. Looking back, I realize now that all these misunderstandings came not from what others did, but from what I myself had or rather, had not done. I, naively, was the one who was too quick to judge. Without thinking deeply, I had made my assumptions about others on my own but failed to question why my peers did not understand my perspective, or had never tried to explain the cultural differences between China and America. My immediate thoughts were to protect myself from having my opinions passed off because I was a "foreigner". It was this realization that inspired me to rebuild my personalities to a more mature state by dissolving the misconceptions between the others and me, extendedly, Americans and Chinese.

I founded Mandarin Orange Club, which had meetings, usually about two hours, every Wednesday after school. To fully utilize the limited two hours, I made specific plans about what I was going to convey: the translations of their names, pieces of Chinese history, basic language with grammar and a short time for Q&A. The first three parts went out smoothly, however, with the last section turning out being too short --- they had too many questions about Chinese: the food, music, lives, even the ideology about ancient Chinese! Some of the questions were answered through my personal experiences, while leaving others I had no ideas, either. Then a brilliant plan came up to my mind: to make my Chinese friends and my American peers into pairs so that both of them would get to know each others' culture better and more lively through e-mails with out any time-consuming. Through this experience, both parties corresponded with one another well. However, students who did not join the club still aggressively interrogated me on cultural differences that they did not understand.

"Has communism ever worked?"
"Can you really not access Facebook?"

These misconceptions, although harsh, no longer angered me. Instead, I took pride in what I was doing to eliminate these misunderstandings. The club not only improved my administrative capabilities, but also shaped the development of my core life values. The more I shared with my peers, the more I realized that everyone's thinking is at the very least subconsciously influenced by cultural background. Now, I wait patiently to hear other people's opinions and I take the time to figure out how they have arrived at their opinions. Therefore, I developed to a person who no longer judge others by personal opinions but think about the whole things in detail with standing in others' shoes and then make final decisions. On a larger scale, in today's increasingly globalized world, misunderstandings can be particularly damaging to international relations without multicultural perspectives in mind.

I seek to find the equilibrium point, a point at the intersection of carefully considering all perspectives equally. However, this club is only a start.

thanks for your correction! i appreciated your help:)
what do you think about this essay(after the grammar corrections of course), am i answering the question? is it good enough to apply ?

Fiona, the essay is definitely good enough to send it with your applications. That is my opinion which I hope you share. Remember, I can only take you so far with regards to the development and preparation of your essay. There are certain elements that may be of concern to you that I do not know about. Those concerns that you have can affect the readiness of your essay for submission. If you feel that you have properly answered the prompt and you have no information to add to it, and you are satisfied with its current content and format, then you know that it is ready for submission. If you have any concerns remaining, then the paper is not yet ready. In the event that you do have some concerns, let me know if I can help you out so that we can get this essay ready for you :-)