COMPUTER & MANAGEMENT; Statement of purpose for MBA

Hello guys ,
I seek your valuable reviews on my statement of purpose for MBA admission in a college ,, please feel free to criticize , reply needed asap

Statement of Purpose

My penchant for computers & my inclination to work in management sector have encouraged me to pursue a career that will help me combine these two interests. I seek to be a key part of an organization where my decision taking abilities and my managerial skills will be vital for its growth and betterment of society and thus also inspiring others in contributing into it.

To achieve this I pursued computer engineering to attain technical cognizance. My academics taught me importance of discipline, moral values and personal communication.

In college, as a member of various student associations I participated in organizing college fests & events. I showed ardent participation in various technical competitions and events like, Google Summer of Code, IBM DB2 , Google Power Searching and successfully completed a research level project in data hiding and security.

Through a degree in management, I seek to get a strong foothold in business principles and ideologies that will help me make a mark in the industry, towards my goal of seeing myself in the decision-making rung of an enterprise.

XYZ college with its eminent faculty and competitive atmosphere will not only provide me basic management education but will also help in nurturing the leadership qualities in me. An opportunity to learn from the industry's finest minds and engaging people with diverse background shall certainly help me to reach my goal.

."my" is getting repeated. This is my suggestion;
My strong love for computers and interest in the field of management, encouraged me to pursue a career that offers combined opportunities for these inclinations of mine.


decision making capabilities


... I think you need to rephrase this;
I intend to hold a key position in an organization where I could contribute towards its growth and success with my decision making capabilities and managerial skills. I also wish to become an effective leader who can inspire others towards success, both organizational and personal success.

Hello,

You have really amazing experience. Google and IBM will really speak volumes to Admissions officers, especially for an MBA degree. However, this SOP is very weak. Nothing here is tied together and it doesn't present you in a very strong light at all. A decent SOP is normally 1-2 pages unless otherwise directed by the program. You need to talk about how your interest arose, how it was developed and how you plan to grow further utilizing the resources of the program. You do not begin to do any of these things in the SOP you have presented here. We can help. -AAO

Hope this helps