Please review my essay. It's too long, I need to remove around 6 lines but i don't know how to shorten it. I hope my essay doesn't sound too emotional, I just wanted too say what i felt. Thanks in advance.
Ella Wheeler Wilcox said "Always continue the climb. It is possible for you to do whatever you choose, if you first get to know who you are and are willing to work with a power that is greater than ourselves to do it." This quote motivated me throughout my life. Every night before sleeping I used to close my eyes and visualize what I going to be and how I was going to achieve it - a practice that I still continue. I knew that I wanted to do engineering ever since I was thirteen years old because I enjoyed my practical lab sessions in computer science and I had a natural talent in mathematics. I was the curious kind, I couldn't keep problems unfinished, I had to solve them and when I did, it brought me immense joy. Though I made my own decisions in life, achieving my goals wasn't easy. During high school, our batch was the first to follow a new syllabus and curriculum. The books were advanced and confusing that even our teachers found it difficult. They considered us as the "unlucky batch." In spite of difficulties I managed to secure excellent marks. The syllabus was changed for the next batch though, it was made easier. But that wasn't the end of it, a strong debate arose in my state on whether to conduct an entrance exam for engineering college admissions or not. At first it was cancelled, but an abrupt decision was made to conduct it. Students had no choice but to write it, we had hardly a month to prepare for it. Pressure was all around, there was reports of several suicides due to exam tensions, but this did not scare me, I knew what I wanted - I wanted to climb up. My biggest asset is my ability to write an exam calmly and confidently irrespective of the difficult situations that surrounds me and the consequence that I will be facing later. I successfully got an admission in an engineering college to do my undergraduate studies majoring in Information Technology. Later, It was officially announced by the state government that there would be no engineering entrance exams from 2007. As expected, xxx announced a new syllabus for the 2006 engineering batch. I had great difficulty adjusting during my first year but my determination and passion for computer science enabled me to become a topper during my third year and among the top 5 percentile overall and also gave me the opportunity to take up several leadership roles and extracurricular activities. I graduated with honors - first class with distinction (GPA 3.94/4 WES iGPA). I achieved my first goal in life, I was ecstatic but I knew there was more to come. During our final year, we were told that there would be on campus job placements available due to the recession. The only thing that kept me going was my ambition to pursue studies in finance abroad. When I was told about the GRE pattern changing, I took serious measures to make sure that I write the old pattern because I didn't want me to be "a lab rat" again. I sincerely prepared for it for the next 4 months and was glad that there was no signs of disaster so far. On the day of my GRE test, however, there was sudden heavy rain showers that blocked most roads. I was drenched in the rain but I managed to attend the test. I was cold, shivering and sick, I couldn't concentrate. My condition reminded me of my school's cooking competition during eighth grade, I was so eager to cook but I was down with severe fever on that day, in spite of that I went to the competition and cooked. I won the first place for the best dish. With that in mind, I managed to finish the test successfully, I didn't get the score I got during my practice tests but I did my best and that alone mattered to me. This proved to me that it's possible to do what you choose if you are willing to work with a power that is greater than yourself to do it. My next step is to pursue graduate studies in finance, I'm ready to cross any borders to attain it.
During my second year of undergraduate studies, I realized that computers wasn't my only passion. Having become the class president, committee member and the treasurer, I enjoyed taking up leadership roles and loved facing challenges. In 2008, when I heard about the global financial recession, I was intrigued by the financial world. It didn't frighten me rather I wanted to know more about finance. Reading newspapers such as the Economic Times and the New York times and watching channels such as Profit and Bloomberg, my interest for capital markets grew day by day. I registered myself at Investopedia to understand about the financial terms. Reading books such as "xxx" and "xxx" provided me with not only a deeper understanding about finance but it inspired me consider a career path in finance.
My short term goal is to pursue a career in corporate finance or investment banking and acquire practical knowledge about financial planning and risk management and also use my skills to help achieve the firm's goals. I'm a strong supporter of environmentalism and I make sure that I contribute as much as possible to help save the planet. Volunteering at xxxx took me one step higher in protecting the environment and it has influenced my goals widely. To combine my passion for finance and the environment, one day I hope to establish a market-based investing or lending program that factors environmental impact into risk assessment, or utilizes environmental incentives to drive business decisions perhaps, a Green Investment bank.
My intermediate goals are to rigorously study financial engineering at xxx and to take my knowledge in the field of finance to the next level. In order to get a deep understanding of the functioning of the capital markets with practical training, I've taken the National Stock Exchange course which I will complete by March 2012. My college curriculum was strictly theoretical apart from the practical lab classes; therefore I didn't get to have the opportunity to avail any research experience. This is the main reason why I planned to study abroad, to have an experience in research and publish an article. I would love to work with professors such as xxx and yyy. Prof yyy's "zzz" was one of the books that inspired and motivated me. At first I only got the book from the library since it was about finance, I had no prior knowledge about the book or the author.
{I wanted to know if it's okay to talk about the book and how it inspired me. I also took a quote from the book and related it to my experience in life which I added below. Or is it too personal. I don't want to sound like a crazy fanatic but I was really inspired with his work. I'm omitting that part 'cause I feel it's personal do tell me if I should add it or not}
After graduation, job opportunities were quite low due to recession and my life became difficult. I decided to learn and do something meaningful rather than work for a software company during the one year before I start my graduate studies. During that time, I got the opportunity to volunteer for xxx, yyy and the UN's zzz and intern for aaa. The experience I gained here was so valuable and I learnt a lot.
Pursuing a masters degree in finance is my continuation to climb up in life. I wanted to do this because it interests me; it's my opportunity to show my leadership, computational and quantitative skills. When I told my parents that I wanted to study finance abroad, they were skeptical and intimidated. Since both of them were retired, they were incapable of financing me and I knew that I had taken a risk. After all, finance is all about taking risks. My elder sister, having confidence in me told me that she'll help me by financing my education. But I assured her that I will pay her back with twice the amount she gave me in a few years with the techniques I learn during graduate studies. I chose AAA University because of its reputation in this course and due to the experienced professors and successful researches it has carried out. If I get accepted, I will definitely attend. I literally work tirelessly in any work that I'm assigned to do. If I'm assigned a task, I spend sleepless nights making sure I complete it. Throughout my life, I have worked as long and as hard as I possibly can to make my ambitions a reality, I have gone through a lot of failures but that hasn't stopped me from wanting more. I aspire to become a financial analyst and I'm extremely determined to achieve it. As quoted by Ella Wheeler Wilcox "There is no chance, no destiny, and no fate that can circumvent or hinder or control the firm resolve of a determined soul."
Hello,
Although I understand your desire to cover everything in your personal statement, your essay rambles on way too much and as such, I doubt any admissions officer will read it fully. I am not sure to which school you plan on applying, but the top masters of finance programs in England, USA, Canada and Australia all look for quantitative ability above all else. Focus your essay on your quantitative ability and it will make you more of an attractive candidate. There is no need to add the normal fluff that you will find in undergraduate and MBA admissions essays. For fiance, straight to the point will do. Since you do not have any finance experience, I suggest that you open a trading account online or discuss a quantitative experience trading strategy you developed. -AAO
Hello,
That is a really interesting piece, you are my role model in this forum. What actually did you study? You write like a professional. Can you suggest any book that will make me effective in writing, I want to write an inspirational book next year, post things in my blog and do so many things. I will be grateful if you can be of help. Once again your writing really inspired me.
