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"Dr. Ellen's teachings" - Vet School Essay



blue_blazes 1 / -  
Dec 26, 2010   #1
I am applying for Veterinary School. I would appreciate any comments or suggestions. The instructions are:

In not more than 300 words, state why you want to become a veterinarian and what you can bring to the world of animal and human health and welfare.

Dr. Ellen traced the triangle with her finger. I took a deep breath and tried to steady my shaking hands on the horse's neck, I exhaled as I pushed the needle in. "Now pull back the plunger and check for blood." Dr. Ellen instructed. Finding no blood, I pushed the plunger in. At twelve years old I had just given my first vaccine.

That same day Dr. Ellen gave a demonstration of chiropractic adjustments and acupuncture to my 4H group. I was amazed at the visible transformation in the horse's comfort and demeanor. I set out from that day forward to become a veterinarian.

Growing up on my family's horse breeding farm I developed a special love for horses, and as a child I learned to ride and train as well as take care of the horses. I worked as a farrier's assistant where I found that focusing on the feet limited the ability to help the rest of the body. I volunteered with animal control and saw the devastating conditions animals are living in and learned the value of pet owner education. I worked three years as a vet assistant in a small animal hospital where I became interested in surgery.

My goal is to effect positive change in the lives of animals in every way possible, among my top priorities are developing surgical techniques, researching and developing economical prosthetic limbs for animals, bringing a holistic medicine approach to the front of awareness as a first resource and not last resort, and educating pet owners in how to better understand and take care of their animals.

ZoeyMorgan 2 / 4  
Dec 27, 2010   #2
nice, the end is very descriptive which shows that you know what you're talking about. If anything maybe a concluding sentence summing everything up.

Overall, it's a strong position to hold but could use little touchs up whether vocab or sentence restructure
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Jan 7, 2011   #3
This is a run on sentence:
I took a deep breath and tried to steady my shaking hands on the horse's neck, I exhaled as I pushed the needle in. You can fix it like this:

I took a deep breath and tried to steady my shaking hands on the horse's neck. I exhaled as I pushed the needle in.

or
I took a deep breath and tried to steady my shaking hands on the horse's neck, and I exhaled as I pushed the needle in.

This essay is excellent. It captures the attention, introduces the theme, and then expounds your interests in a really excellent way. You even got the correct use of "effect" as a verb, even though it usually is a noun:

effect positive change in the lives of ----This is correct, but a lot of people get this wrong...Good job!!!


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