The essay asks:
Which personal characteristics and motivating factors have led you to pursue the profession of physical therapy?
4500 characters or less; Currently 3419 characters.
My essay:
Everyone fails. For example, one NBA player has missed over 9,000 shots, lost over 300 games, missed 26 game winning shots and has experienced failure multiple times in his life, including being cut from his high school basketball team--but on the other hand, has been a six-time NBA champion, five-time MVP, 10-time All-NBA first team, added to numerous other accomplishments. Many people know him as Michael Jordan, one of the most revered players in the game of basketball.
Failure brings us closer to an improved version of what we strive to be. As a student at Binghamton University, I pursued a career in pharmacy. During my sophomore year, I hit trouble with the upper levels of my Biochemistry courses. My major GPA dipped below 2.5. This led to an astounding amount of frustration as to why everything was going wrong.
One day, a chemistry professor was giving advice to several chemistry and biochemistry students. He said that most biochemistry and chemistry students should have sufficient lab experience entering their junior year; experience I did not have. My extracurricular activities consisted of time spent in dance studios with a break dancing crew, the school's ballroom dance team, and on the field with the men's club soccer team.
I stepped back and tried to observe what I was doing wrong that was leading to my chagrin. Perusing my options, I realized medical schools wouldn't take me because of my GPA, and observing grand rounds or cardiac catheterizations were not piquing my interest.
A turning point was reached when I realized that I needed to look at careers that would be just as hands-on and related to sports or dancing. My enrollment in a class titled 'Care and Prevention of Athletic Injuries' would enable me to join an internship that would put me in an environment working with the athletic trainers that supervised the university's athletic teams.
I was accepted and spent time working with the athletic trainers, giving treatments to athletes that suffered from injuries, supervising practices and games of the Men and Women's soccer teams, and got to know the players and coaches. Volunteering my time in the training room was enjoyable, and I looked forward to it every day.
This internship also led me to Liam. He suffered a season ending ankle injury and was to be sidelined for six months. While implementing treatment methods, I drew a parallel between his injury and my failure. It helped me realize that I needed to look and remedy my own failures in order to pursue success. For the duration of my internship, I watched him cut his rehab time from six to close to an amazing three and a half months through his hard work and upbeat attitude towards his obstacles.
In order to return from injury, an athlete faces two uphill battles: reteaching his body to regain it's original range of motion, as well as the battle within his mind to maintain a regular therapy regiment and not become discouraged. To watch an athlete come back from injury was an inspiring moment which helped me realize that I want to become a physical therapist.
I then realized that my failures may have been failures at the time, but they helped point me in the right direction and showed me that physical therapy is something that I enjoyed. On the path to success, I have learned from Michael Jordan and Liam that failure is bound to occur and should not set me back, because everyone fails.
I like the way that this essay begins and I like the overall narrative thread. I think that you need to tighten up the narrative in the middle, telling your story more concisely, in order to make room to tell us some of your accomplishments (in order to balance out that tale of failure).
Where do you think the narrative in the middle needs to be tightened up? I was personally thinking of rewriting the part about my chemistry professor. I moved a paragraph, tweaked one, and edited the end.
Currently 3622 charaters.
Where do you think the narrative in the middle needs to be tightened up?
Throughout, you need to tighten up your sentences, getting rid of unnecessary words and phrases. Go through the whole essay sentence by sentence, asking first if the information in the sentence is essential to the story. Then break down the sentence, looking for words or phrases that elongate it while adding nothing of real value.
By "tightening," I mean get rid of superfluous words and phrases:
One day, a chemistry professor was giving advicedto several chemistry and biochemistry students. He said that most biochemistry and chemistry students should haveto be sure to have sufficient lab experience entering their junior year; experience I did not have . My extracurricular activities consisted of time spent in dance studios with a break dancing crew, the school's ballroom dance team , and on the field with the men's club soccer team .
A turning point was reached when I realized that I needed to look ata career that would be just as hands-on and related to sports or dancing.
