Hey all, below is my personal statement draft. I like the draft overall, but am looking for ways to potentially condense some of the paragraphs/sentences without losing the positive descriptors etc, or at least the idea behind the sentences. I also appreciate any feedback regarding grammar or word usage, etc.
I also noted one sentence at the bottom, is that proper to say? Or is humble modifying grown and I need to reword it?
I got the letter June Third. I can still remember sitting on the front porch with my mother, the summer heat tempered by a leftover spring shower. It was from the Registrar's Office, informing me that I would not be allowed to attend Purdue the following semester after being placed on academic probation and failing to raise my grades. I closed my eyes and quietly wept. Reading that letter was rock bottom. I was a failure. I could see my life coming apart, and I felt powerless to do anything about it. I remember asking myself, "How did I get here?" I realized I looked lackadaisically towards my direction in life, always following the path of least resistance. Then, at this critical juncture in my life, I made a declaration; I was going to take control of my life and my future. My failure could have been an excuse to quit, but instead it ignited the fire within me.
I started over, enrolling at a community college and working hard to maintain a strong GPA in order to begin applying to colleges and restarting my academic life. I strove to find what excites me, and during this time of exploration found my natural ability to analyze and understand complex problems. I discovered my passion for creating, learning, debating and teaching. I did extensive research to find a program that could give me the best opportunity to pursue my passions and enrich my life. I found and applied to the University of XXXXX, aiming to get a degree in Construction Management.
My approach to both school and life at SCHOOL was in stark contrast to Purdue. I attended SCHOOL with the mindset that it would be the gateway to future opportunities, not the pinnacle of my academic endeavors. I excelled in every class I took, maintaining a 3.83 GPA and graduating magna cum laude, the only student in my program to do so. I capitalized on teaching opportunities by volunteering my time to tutor local high school students and my classmates. I knew I made a tangible impact on the people around me and helped them succeed.
The culmination of my undergraduate career was Senior Project, a full year course that requires a group of students to develop a unique solution to a current problem in the industry, and effectively research, develop and defend their idea to a panel of professors and industry professionals. It was a challenging experience, but I effectively led the group during the year. I developed a keen sense of how one must read and understand those around them to support and motivate them effectively. I also developed my persuasive and argumentative skills in the many late nights spent discussing ideas and strategies. Every person in different, and being able to resolve the inevitable conflict that arises from four people spending more time together than apart was a valuable skill that I applied to my life beyond the classroom.
I can remember the culmination of the event, after defending our idea in front of the panel during the Allied Construction Industries convention, when our professor took the stage to announce the winner. Hearing our names called was glorious, the capstone to a long undergraduate career.
In addition to Senior Project, my time at SCHOOL also afforded me opportunities to work in the construction industry, gaining firsthand experience in a professional setting, and allowing me to mature and develop. During this time, I came to the realization that I wanted to do more with my life than work at a construction firm. I love the challenge of difficult situations, looking at problems from multiple perspectives, and understanding each in turn before coming to the rational conclusion. A career in construction law was the natural answer, so I set out to understand my potential career before committing myself to it.
After graduating from SCHOOL, I accepted a position at LAW FIRM, LLC, working as a construction law professional. It has been a unique and profound experience, allowing me to gain insight into my life after law school. It confirmed what I had hoped, and somewhat expected, would be true. I am passionate about construction law. Construction law requires a distinctive blend of the knowledge gained from my undergraduate and industry careers combined with my personal skills and strengths. I enjoy having the opportunity to analyze complex situations and effectively assign responsibility, relying on my strong attention to detail and ability to look at an argument from multiple perspectives. I enjoy being able to resolve conflicts effectively and accurately by utilizing my written and oral persuasive skills. I have been successful at XXXXXX, and I know I will be equally successful in law school.
Looking back, I am equally proud of my failures as my accomplishments. They have chiseled me into the man I am now. From my failures, I have matured and grown humble. From my accomplishments, I have strengthened my confidence and imbued myself with a strong work ethic and the will to succeed. I have discovered the value of hard work and joy of sharing yourself with others. I no longer ask myself, "how did I get here?" but rather "what will I do next?"
Thanks,
Rinky
I also noted one sentence at the bottom, is that proper to say? Or is humble modifying grown and I need to reword it?
I got the letter June Third. I can still remember sitting on the front porch with my mother, the summer heat tempered by a leftover spring shower. It was from the Registrar's Office, informing me that I would not be allowed to attend Purdue the following semester after being placed on academic probation and failing to raise my grades. I closed my eyes and quietly wept. Reading that letter was rock bottom. I was a failure. I could see my life coming apart, and I felt powerless to do anything about it. I remember asking myself, "How did I get here?" I realized I looked lackadaisically towards my direction in life, always following the path of least resistance. Then, at this critical juncture in my life, I made a declaration; I was going to take control of my life and my future. My failure could have been an excuse to quit, but instead it ignited the fire within me.
I started over, enrolling at a community college and working hard to maintain a strong GPA in order to begin applying to colleges and restarting my academic life. I strove to find what excites me, and during this time of exploration found my natural ability to analyze and understand complex problems. I discovered my passion for creating, learning, debating and teaching. I did extensive research to find a program that could give me the best opportunity to pursue my passions and enrich my life. I found and applied to the University of XXXXX, aiming to get a degree in Construction Management.
My approach to both school and life at SCHOOL was in stark contrast to Purdue. I attended SCHOOL with the mindset that it would be the gateway to future opportunities, not the pinnacle of my academic endeavors. I excelled in every class I took, maintaining a 3.83 GPA and graduating magna cum laude, the only student in my program to do so. I capitalized on teaching opportunities by volunteering my time to tutor local high school students and my classmates. I knew I made a tangible impact on the people around me and helped them succeed.
The culmination of my undergraduate career was Senior Project, a full year course that requires a group of students to develop a unique solution to a current problem in the industry, and effectively research, develop and defend their idea to a panel of professors and industry professionals. It was a challenging experience, but I effectively led the group during the year. I developed a keen sense of how one must read and understand those around them to support and motivate them effectively. I also developed my persuasive and argumentative skills in the many late nights spent discussing ideas and strategies. Every person in different, and being able to resolve the inevitable conflict that arises from four people spending more time together than apart was a valuable skill that I applied to my life beyond the classroom.
I can remember the culmination of the event, after defending our idea in front of the panel during the Allied Construction Industries convention, when our professor took the stage to announce the winner. Hearing our names called was glorious, the capstone to a long undergraduate career.
In addition to Senior Project, my time at SCHOOL also afforded me opportunities to work in the construction industry, gaining firsthand experience in a professional setting, and allowing me to mature and develop. During this time, I came to the realization that I wanted to do more with my life than work at a construction firm. I love the challenge of difficult situations, looking at problems from multiple perspectives, and understanding each in turn before coming to the rational conclusion. A career in construction law was the natural answer, so I set out to understand my potential career before committing myself to it.
After graduating from SCHOOL, I accepted a position at LAW FIRM, LLC, working as a construction law professional. It has been a unique and profound experience, allowing me to gain insight into my life after law school. It confirmed what I had hoped, and somewhat expected, would be true. I am passionate about construction law. Construction law requires a distinctive blend of the knowledge gained from my undergraduate and industry careers combined with my personal skills and strengths. I enjoy having the opportunity to analyze complex situations and effectively assign responsibility, relying on my strong attention to detail and ability to look at an argument from multiple perspectives. I enjoy being able to resolve conflicts effectively and accurately by utilizing my written and oral persuasive skills. I have been successful at XXXXXX, and I know I will be equally successful in law school.
Looking back, I am equally proud of my failures as my accomplishments. They have chiseled me into the man I am now. From my failures, I have matured and grown humble. From my accomplishments, I have strengthened my confidence and imbued myself with a strong work ethic and the will to succeed. I have discovered the value of hard work and joy of sharing yourself with others. I no longer ask myself, "how did I get here?" but rather "what will I do next?"
Thanks,
Rinky