This is a rough draft. Please provide me with any information on how to improve and any corrections on the grammatical issues you find.
Prompt:
Please use the following guidelines for your statement of purpose. The statement should be double spaced, type written. Briefly describe your past work in your proposed or allied fields of study, including non-course education experiences, teaching or other relevant employment, publications, theses, research in progress, other scholarly activities, and your plans for graduate study and a professional career.
Essay:
Goodbye. It is such a common word, but can equally so revealing. It was in October when I had to use that very word as I left the community and family I had created in the mountainous community of Santa Rosa de Líma in Guanajuato, Mexico. I stood there in the center of the courtyard in the Elementary school in front of over a hundred students, who with presents in hand, came up one by one to embrace me to say thank you for my service. It was in the mist of goodbyes, which solidified my decision to pursue a career in public service.
In my undergraduate double majoring in Criminal Justice and Environmental Science, as well as, hold two jobs as a Library Assistant and a Front Desk Assistant at the school Gym I had a professor, seeing my leadership qualities, urge me to pursue more involvement in the university's extracurricular activities. Taking his advice, I became a Senator of the Student Government, Executive Board member of the Activities Counsel, and a Scholar for the New England Center of Civic Life. My involvement in these activities invigorated and empowered me where I could see that I could play a vital role in shaping my world. It was in these extracurricular experiences where I gained the fundamental skills of teamwork, organization and management, and communication that would supply the foundation of my public service career. This was furthered by my central part in bringing the first ever American Cancer Society Relay for Life to my undergraduate university. To be apart of something from the ground up and have it be successful is remarkably rewarding.
After undergraduate I joined AmeriCorps National Civilian Community Corps (NCCC). This became my first real work experience in the public service field outside of university. It provided me an opportunity to be exposed to and work directly with a variety of different areas in the public services field - disaster relief, education, public safety, and urban and rural development. From AmeriCorps I wanted to take my journey into public service a step further and joined the Peace Corps. I wanted to challenge myself to be exposed to the problems that lie outside the realm of the United States. It was then in the tiny community Santa Rosa de Líma my decision to continue a career in public service was solidified. It was here as an Environmental Educator I saw the impact not only an individual could make, but the difference a community could when brought together for a cause.
I choose the Masters of Public Administration at the University of Colorado because besides the fundamental work experience and education background I possess to be an effective leader in the public sector field I need to obtain a more indebt background in management and organizational. With your core curriculum consisting of - The Introduction to Public Administration, Organization Management and Behavior, Research and Analytic Methods, as well as many others, will provide me with that. Besides the fact that your program in Public Administration is National Ranked the program would provide me with a better grasp of what goes into the decision making process when policies are created and I can extend my public service career to a new level.
... came up one by one to embrace and to thank me for my service. It was in the middle of goodbyes, which solidified ...
... as well as, holding two jobs as a Library Assistant and a Front Desk Assistant at the school Gym. I had a professor who saw my leadership qualities, urge ...
... and empowered me where I could"could" means uncertainty
saw that I could play can play a vital role in shaping my world.
... and communication that would develop my future career in public service supply the foundation of my public service caree r. Thisconsider changing the subject was furthered by my central part in bringing the first-ever American Cancer Society Relay for Life to my undergraduate university. being a apart of something from the ...
After I had got my bachelor degree , I joined AmeriCorps National ...
I took my first steps into public service through a real life experience in the field . It provided me with opportunitiES to be exposed to and worked directly with a variety of different areas ...
It was then in the tiny community of Santa Rosa de Líma i decidedmy decision to continue a career in public service was solidified .
I change the last paragraph.
I choose the Masters of Public Administration at the University of Colorado because I need to obtain a more in-depth background on management and administration. I believe that I possess a significant work experience and an educational background that would make me an effective leader in the public sector. With the core curriculum that consisted of the Introduction to Public Administration, Organization Management and Behavior, Research, and Analytic Methods, as well as many others, it will help me to achieve my goal. Besides the fact that your program in Public Administration is nationally ranked, it would provide me with a better understanding of what goes into the decision-making process when policies are created, and I am keen to extend my public service career to a new level.
I hope that my adjustments will help you.
Thanks so much! I have made the corrections you suggested and did a little revision on it, as well. I would love to see what you think.
Sometimes in the end we realize the significance of the journey. For me, it was in October when I was leaving the Peace Corps, the community and family I had created in the community of Santa Rosa de Líma in Guanajuato, Mexico when I finally understood why I had chosen to join the Peace Corps. I stood there in the center of the courtyard in the Elementary school in front of over a hundred students who one by one came up to embrace me to thank me for my service. It was in the middle of the goodbyes I saw the change I impacted and determined to pursue a career in public service.
In my undergraduate double majoring in Criminal Justice and Environmental Science I gained a broad understanding of the multifaceted nature of the social structure of society and the natural world surrounding it. It was then on the urge of a professor, I became activity involved in my university's extracurricular activities, as a Senator of the Student Government and a Scholar for the New England Center of Civic Life. These activities exposed me to the ways individuals could meaningfully participate in the life of a community. They invigorated and empowered me where I saw I could play a vital role in shaping my surroundings. This empowerment was furthered by my central part in bringing the first-ever American Cancer Society Relay for Life to my undergraduate university. Through these experiences I obtained the strong fundamental skills of teamwork, organization and communication that would develop my future career in public service.
After I had my Bachelor degree, I joined AmeriCorps National Civilian Community Corps (NCCC) a team-based national and community service program. This became my first real work experience in the public service field. It provided me with an opportunity to be exposed to and work directly in a variety of different areas in the public services field, such as disaster relief, education, public safety, and urban and rural development. This opened my eyes to the challenges facing our nation and how real individuals have to deal with the outcome of the policies placed upon them and the need for change.
From AmeriCorps I took a step further into the public service realm and joined the Peace Corps Mexico. I wanted to become aware of the issues facing not only our country, but also the world. My time in Mexico showed me with the stark environments, for instance lack of assess to clean water and that many individuals have to still live with. It was here as an Environmental Educator I also saw the impact not only an individual could make, but the difference a community could when brought together for a cause.
I am pursing the Masters of Public Administration at the University of Colorado because I need to obtain a more in-depth background on management and administration. I possess significant work experience and an education background to be an effective leader and with your program I can further my effectiveness to a higher level. With your core curriculum I will obtain that. Besides the fact that your program in Public Administration is National Ranked the program would provide me with a better grasp of what goes into the decision making process when policies are created and I can extend my public service career to a new level.
Sometimes, in the end, we realize the significance of the journey.
... majoring in Criminal Justice and Environmental Science, I gained a broad understanding ...
Through these experiences, I obtained the strong fundamental skills of teamwork, organization, and communication that would ...
... opportunity to be exposed to and work directly inwith a variety of different areas ...
From AmeriCorps, I took a step further into the public ...
... of the issues facing not only our country, but also the world.
... me with the stark environments, for instance, lack of assessing to clean water and that many individuals have to still live still with.
I am pursu ing the Masters of Public Administration at the University ...
... and with your program, I can further ...
With your core curriculum, I will obtain that.
... a better grasp of what goes into the decision- making process when policies are created, and I can extend my ...
There were a number of missing commas. I added them for you. The essay is much better than before.
you need to change the structure of this sentence. Besides the fact that your program in Public Administration is National Ranked the program would provide me with a better grasp of what goes into the decision-making process when policies are created, and I can extend my public service career to a new level.
I became actively involved in my university's ...
Julie, while you have offered an interesting look into your background in public service and laid out a very impressive foundation for the reasons that you wish to pursue a career in this field, there is a certain aspect of the response that is lacking. There is no reference to your future plans in the field of public administration. You spoke strongly and quite vividly of the impact that your volunteer experiences. the influence that these exposures had on you is something that has affected you profoundly and yet, you failed to develop a clear purpose for your wish to complete a masters degree in public administration.
In order to strengthen that part of your essay, you first need to develop a paragraph that clearly indicates the purpose of your desire for advanced studies. How do you see this path of education helping you to advance your career? Where do you see yourself working after you complete the course? How does that relate to your desire to improve public administration in the sectors that you have been exposed to? Most importantly, what is it about the University of Colorado that made you interested in further studies there? How do you see their specific programs or opportunities as an MS student helping you to attain your objectives?
The concerns I have in the paragraph above compose the weakest point of your essay. Addressing these, as the reviewer will most certainly look for a response to these questions, will most certainly strengthen your essay. If you find yourself lacking in space due to the word count, then shorten the portions about your work experience or immersion events to only the most important parts or as a summary. That should release an appropriate amount of words for you to properly develop the essay.
Thank you so much for you advice. I have added more information on my goals and expectations. If you could take another look at it that would be helpful.
It was in October when I was leaving the Peace Corps, the community and family I had created in the community of Santa Rosa de Líma in Guanajuato, Mexico when I finally understood why I had chosen to join the Peace Corps. I stood there in the center of the courtyard in the Elementary school in front of over a hundred students who one by one came up to embrace me to thank me for my service. It was in the middle of the goodbyes I saw the change I impacted and determined to pursue a career serving the public interest.
[...]
Julie, you already have a usable essay at this point. It covers the basic expectations and delivers on the purpose of your studies and how the university can help you achieve your goals. What we have to do at this point is clean up the problem paragraphs so that the essay will finally be ready to submit.
Par. 1:
It was in October (OF WHAT YEAR?) when I was leaving the Peace Corps, the community and family I had ...
I stood there in the center of the courtyard in OF the Elementary school in front of over a hundred students who one by one came up to embrace me ...
It was in the middle of the goodbyes THAT I saw the change I impacted UPON THE COMMUNITY and MADE ME determined to pursue ...
Par. 2:
During my undergraduate STUDIES majoring in Criminal Justice and Environmental Science, I gained a broad understanding of ...
It was then on the urge of a professor ON THE URGING OF MY PROFESSOR THAT I put this knowledge to practical use ...
They invigorated and empowered me TO PARTICIPATE IN AREAS where I saw I could play ...
Par. 3:
... I began working in the public service field. First,[/s[ with AmeriCorps National Civilian ...
... involved in the issues facing not only our country, but also the world and SO I joined Peace Corps Mexico.
It I was as an Environmental Educator ...
... of hazardous waste disposal facilities and, the worst part was it will be IS the poorest in the developing and ...
My decision was solidified THESE EVENTS LED ME TO DECIDE THAT I would be part of forming Environmental Policy IN THE FUTURE.
Par. 4:
From my work experience in the public sector I have witnessed first-hand the ...
and there THERE needs to be social progress ...
... within our country and I want to be apart A PART of that social progress.
... I will develop the management, analytical, and finance ASPECTS OF A PUBLIC POLICY MAKER USING , but a profound insight IN handling the environmental policies. "
Thank you so much!!
The problem I face is that I need to cut down to make the essay 500 words or less. Right now I am at 545 words.
In order to bring down your word count, you can start by removing the acronym for the Peace Corps that you represented and the description of the mission, goals, and objectives of the organization. That is not really related to your statement of purpose as it only defines the organization you were affiliated with, so it isn't really required since it increased your word count. You can also adjust the part where you discuss the encouragement of your professor that inspired you to become more civic minded. Revise that line to make it seem like your exposure to the college community was the catalyst for your interest and activities instead.
You also have a tendency to mention the whole roster of public service interests that are served by a career in public service. Cut it down to just mention one or two examples. Make sure to use the examples that you feel best embody your reasons for pursuing this career so that its inclusion in your essay becomes relevant to your SOP. The same goes for the problems that you encountered in Mexico. If you try to enumerate all of the problems that you want to help solve, you will definitely go over the word limit :-) So keep it short, but relevant to your application. That is all that you have to do within the SOP. These minor corrections will result in your bringing the essay to within the word count.
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