Hi everyone! I'm currently working on my personal statement for graduate school. I'm applying to get my master in public health at some of the top schools, so its really important that my statement be flawless. I'm mostly applying to Health Policy or Behavioral/Social Health programs, but I tried to be as general as possible to accommodate for both. I just wanted to convey my initial reason for entering public health. My last paragraph doesn't quite have an ending because I'll be tailoring that according to each school I'm applying to. I also need to cut it down a lot as you can see, so if you find that there is something in here that you feel is irrelevant, please let me know. I take criticism pretty well so feel free to be brutally honest. Thanks!
My heart started to beat faster as I felt the needle pierce my skin. Despite the nurse's assurance that it would only take a second, I watched her draw a test tube full of blood, only to replace it with another to fill. At the age of seventeen I had been more concerned about my impending junior year of high school and I was taken aback my diagnosis of Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). Even after my doctor provided me with the basics, I wanted to learn as much as possible about this disease. As a relatively unheard of syndrome, I was motivated to investigate, and was eventually lead to forums filled with the experiences that other young women had with PCOS. After reading about PCOS as a women's health issue, I felt an internal sense of responsibility to others with similar afflictions, and decided I would become a physician to address this disparity. I began my college career like most pre-medical students, but I felt that the social and preventative issues I wanted to address in medicine were being over looked. I embarked on an exploration of other career options by taking various classes and found that public health provided me with the in-depth discussions and analysis on current issues in health care that I craved. My initial inquiry into my own diagnosis resulted in the discovery of a passion for public health and a yearning to ensure that underserved populations receive access to the services to which they are entitled.
Once I had channeled my interests and life goals into a career trajectory in public health, I felt that I needed to better understand the populations that I wanted to aid. I started out at Rutgers taking various classes in economics, philosophy, women's and gender studies, and even attempted to gain entry to the Rutgers Business School. Within an array of classes the one that made the most impact was an introductory course called Women, Culture, and Society. During our first class we did an exercise where individuals volunteered to disclose an aspect of themselves that no one could guess from their appearance. One student said she was bisexual, another said that he did not relate to his parents culture, and another said that he had been bullied for years for being gay, even though he was not. The confessions went on from students admitting how wealthy they are to the abuse they received as a child. From looking at each of these individuals you could not fathom their story before they revealed it, and yet every day they are judged and categorizes based on their appearance. However, I was not any different; I made assumptions about people all the time. This simple idea changed the way I viewed everything. I no longer viewed helpless individuals as a product of their own failure, but a result of how others have failed them. The perspective I have gained from women's and gender studies has been integral in my understanding of how societal categorizations such as gender, race, and class can lead to social inequality. This has been particularly insightful within my public health experiences in assessing the needs of specific populations and developing creative solutions accordingly.
As I took more Women's and Gender Studies courses, I started to genuinely understand people in a way that I had never comprehended before. Juxtaposed with my public health courses, I came to appreciate the ideals of social justice that the field perpetuated. I was eager to get out into the field and experience the work that was being done in my community. My first internship expressed this synthesis of interests as I interned for the New Jersey Women and AIDS Network (NJWAN) where I addressed the growing rate of women infected with HIV. After witnessing the empowerment NJWAN's programs instilled in women to embrace their own health, I wanted to contribute to their programming and decided to write my own session of a medication adherence program to address the research I had done on the intersection of diabetes and HIV. I had chosen diabetes because of what it meant to me personally with the direct connection it has to PCOS and because both of my parents had recently been diagnosed with diabetes. I again turned to research in effort to find a personal resolve while also aiding others in their journey to a healthy lifestyle. I thought of myself as a confused seventeen year old as I brainstormed creative ways for HIV positive individuals to learn about ideas that were completely foreign to them. I accomplished this by building interactive exercises and designing brochures and charts that contained illustrations and were easy to read and understand. My time at NJWAN was not only personally fulfilling but I also felt that I had made a lasting impact in the organization and their clients. NJWAN propelled my interest in public health from a personal interest to a passion for advocating for the health of underserved populations.
While my experience at NJWAN launched my passion for public health, the Robert Wood Johnson AIDS Program (RWJAP) solidified it. Every day at the RWJAP was a learning experience and there were always opportunities to learn more. My greatest accomplishment at the RWJAP was writing the vignettes for a pilot e-health program to prevent HIV and promote sexual health in youth. I created characters and stories about challenging situations to which teens and pre-teens could identify. We used each of these vignettes to simultaneously pinpoint risky behaviors and educate children on how to make informed decisions. The most satisfying experience of this internship was the holiday party that the department held for the pediatric HIV/AIDS patients. Most of the children here were incredibly young and did not know that they were HIV positive. Knowing that these children would struggle later in life made me want to work harder on the prevention of chronic diseases and increasing access to healthcare. These children were fortunate to have the RWJAP to care for them, but there are also individuals that go through life unaware of their HIV status. Much of the limited access to health resources is from a lack of knowledge of the resources that are available. The RWJAP gave me a broader view on public health, as the people in my community gave me an impression of the work that has yet to be done in underprivileged populations.
Upon graduating I was prepared to emerge myself into public health and start building a career. Even though I truly enjoyed working in HIV prevention, I wanted to broaden my experience but still maintain my goal of helping underserved populations. When I started working at the Greater New York Hospital Association, I finally felt my goals begin to actualize. It has been an incredible experience working on an online resource, Health Information Tools for Empowerment (HITE), to increase access to health and social services by centralizing information about programs and organizations within the New York City area. Our team at HITE recently hosted an event where representatives from government agencies, non-profits, and community based organizations attended to learn about the resources we have available. The executive director from a non-profit in Staten Island came to us after the presentation and enthusiastically thanked us repeatedly for informing him about HITE. Staten Island has always been referred to as the forgotten borough of New York City and this has also affected the social services that are available. He told us that he found organizations within walking distance that he had never heard of before, and now he could share the resource with his clients and even collaborate with them. Previously he had to refer his clients to services based in other boroughs, forcing low income individuals to spend time and money on transportation, but now that he had HITE he could find the closest resources in Staten Island and guarantee they get the services they need. Every time I add a new resource to HITE, it brings me gratification and contentment to know that the site will be used to grant someone access to the help they need.
This past summer I visited my physician for the same blood tests I had taken as a seventeen year old, and this time I was relieved when I received my blood report back and everything was normal. I have taken control of my own health through lifestyle changes and as a result reversed my initial diagnosis. I have personally experienced what it feels like to be uninformed about your own body, and have since addressed this disparity as a whole through understanding populations and teaching others about prevention. I believe that attending XXX...
My heart started to beat faster as I felt the needle pierce my skin.
Good start ! .... : )
Yep... this looks pretty long and worth trying to shorten it a bit : )Even after my doctor provided me with the basics, I wanted to learn as much as possible about this disease. As a relatively unheard of syndrome, I was motivated to investigate, and was eventually lead to forums filled with the experiences that other young women had with PCOS.
Why not try and merge these to one sentence? Don't have to be too much detailed!After reading about PCOS as a women's health issue, I felt an internal sense of responsibility to others with similar afflictions, and decided I would become a physician to address this disparity.
Being a woman, I soon began to feel a strong sense of responsiblity towards other females who suffer from this disparity and that was the advent of my aspiration of becoming a physician.I think you write with too much detail, which is not really necessary. The reader has the ability to get the sense about the background even if you don't tell.... Come to your next point soon by avoiding to stick on one idea for long : )
However, you can write very well : )Hello,
This essay is all over the place. It makes you seem really unfocused. You seem like a child in a candy story that runs from station to station and declares the candy at each station as his "Favorite." This essay may work at some non-competitive programs, but at the top programs, they want to see someone with a clear focus. You have enough "relevant" experience where they will want to see what contributions you have made. Quantify your achievements and try to connect each of your tangents in a stronger manner to wow the admissions committee. -AAO
Thanks for all the feedback! I definitely agree that I need to have more of a focus here, which I felt even as I was writing it. I'll try to go through and eliminate pieces that don't really serve a purpose.
Round 2 SoP with edits based on the comments I received. Let me know what you think. Thanks!
My heart started to beat faster as I felt the needle pierce my skin. Despite the nurse's assurance that it would only take a second, I watched her draw a test tube full of blood, only to replace it with another to fill. At the time I was a teenager and had suddenly turned my Google searches towards researching my diagnosis of Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). My desire to learn more had initially set my sights toward a career in medicine, but when I transferred schools I took time to reconsider. It did not take me long to discover that I enjoyed the discussions that occurred in public health classes and the immediate actions that ensued as a result of them. We did not just discuss health care reform, but we engaged in debates and designed plans of our own. After being diagnosed with a preventable chronic disease, I also came to understand the motive behind health campaigns. This starkly different approach to health caught my attention and I was enthralled by the investigative and preventative approaches. The initial inquiry into my own diagnosis resulted in the gradual progression of my career in public health and a yearning to take action within my community.
Once I had channeled my interests and life goals into a career trajectory in public health, I felt that I needed further coursework to complement it. I continued taking various classes in economics, philosophy, women's and gender studies, and business in effort to find the right fit. Within an array of classes the one that made the most impact was an introductory course called Women, Culture, and Society. During our first class we did an exercise where individuals volunteered to disclose an aspect of themselves that no one could guess from their appearance. The confessions went on; some of them light hearted and others more serious. However, regardless of the gravity of the narrative, there was one thing that remained true for all of them; you could not fathom their story before they revealed it. As I continued taking these classes I began to understand how societal categorizations such as gender, race, and class can lead to inequity. I no longer viewed helpless individuals as a product of their own failure, but a result of how others have continually failed them. The knowledge I have gained has been particularly insightful within my public health experiences in assessing the needs of specific populations and developing creative solutions accordingly. Juxtaposed with my public health courses, the two overlapped in their discussions of the betterment of populations. This perspective that I have gained from women's and gender studies has been integral to my understanding of the way discrimination is imbedded in our health care system and the impact this has on populations.
My first internship at the New Jersey Women and AIDS Network (NJWAN) expressed this synthesis of interests through addressing the growing rate of women infected with HIV. From attending their various workshops and programs, I witnessed the empowerment NJWAN instilled in women to embrace their own health. I wanted to contribute to their programming and took on the challenge to write my own session of a medication adherence program to address the research I had done on the intersection of diabetes and HIV. I had chosen diabetes because of what it meant to me personally, as those diagnosed with PCOS carry a high risk of developing Type 2 diabetes. While writing the educational session, I thought of the process I went through while learning about my diagnosis. This permitted me to anticipate the questions that would arise and formulate creative ways for HIV positive individuals to learn about foreign medical terminology. My time at NJWAN was not only personally fulfilling, but I also felt that I had made a lasting impact within the organization and for their clients. NJWAN propelled my interest in public health from a personal interest to a passion for advocating for the health of underserved populations.
While my experience at NJWAN boosted my enthusiasm for public health, the Robert Wood Johnson AIDS Program (RWJAP) solidified it. Every year the department holds a much anticipated holiday party for the pediatric HIV/AIDS patients. Most of the children in attendance were incredibly young and did not know that they were HIV positive. Knowing that these children would struggle later in life with the stigma that comes with being diagnosed made me want to work harder towards removing the negativity that surrounds HIV. Furthermore, the importance of teaching others about the prevention of chronic diseases and increasing access to healthcare in case they are diagnosed. These children were fortunate to have the RWJAP to care for them, but there are also individuals that go through life unaware of their HIV status. Working with the RWJAP gave me a broader view on public health, and made me recognize the value of working within the community. Experiencing the holiday party with the patients' families and seeing the direct results of the work that I had done with the program was gratifying and cemented the path to my career in public health.
I have personally experienced what it feels like to be uninformed about your own body, and have since addressed this disparity as a whole through understanding populations and teaching others about prevention. I believe that attending XXX will guide me towards helping others gain access to healthcare so that they can also feel the same sense of relief that I did upon reversing my PCOS diagnosis. In order to better understand the way our health care system influences the health of populations, I would like to earn a Master in Public Health through the Behavioral Sciences track. I believe that my future aspirations can be attained through the guidance and expertise of the staff at XXX. The esteemed faculty members have valuable experience to share and understand the changes that will occur in our health care system. I am confident that the Behavioral Sciences program at the XXX will provide me with the necessary attributes towards accomplishing my goals and becoming a future leader in public health.
Much better at least now your many experiences have a decent flow. However, now you introduce another track "Behavioral Sciences" without flushing out why. What is your real ultimate goal? I still did not get a true sense of what you want to do with your degrees. Many of my former clients who I helped apply to MPH programs had a clearly defined career trajectory. Whether they were doctors and sought this degree to round out their educational experiences or worked at a local clinic, they always showed that this degree was a logical extension which strengthened their academic portfolio. It seems like you have really great experience but are not really tying that into why you need to seek this degree with this specialization at this point in your life. Do not get me wrong, this essay will probably get you accepted into several programs, however, with all of your experiences it is just not as strong as it should be. -AAO
Thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate your help. I've added the following statement to the last paragraph:
...In order to better understand the way our health care system influences the health of populations, I would like to earn a Master in Public Health through the Behavioral Sciences track. Through the knowledge I will attain from this degree, I will be able to pursue employment with state and federal agencies working in chronic disease prevention.
Its hard for me to be specific about the exact role I want in the future because I simply would like to work for a government agency. Behavioral Science is the track option for the MPH which focuses a lot on the social determinants of health, the only reason I mention it is because I have to for this particular school that I'm applying to. Do you think this is specific enough?
