'inadvertent road' - Graduate admission essay for Master in Speech Language Pathology.

I am applying to many different master programs and I need help revising my personal statement. It can only be 300 words so I have to keep it short and to the point. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you.

The journey to deciding what career I want to pursue has not been easy, but it is through this inadvertent road that I found the passion for the field in Speech Language Pathology (SLP). I have always had the desire to help others in need, which is why I pursued a Bachelor Degree in Applied Biological Science. After I graduated, I still was not certain which avenue to follow. As I researched different degrees, I came about the SLP program. One sentence that really caught my attention said, "If you are looking for a career that has a combination of health care, and education professions, this is the career for you". Instantly, I was assured this profession would help me make a difference in people's lives.

It was through my experience as an SLPA intern that I truly learned how speech impairments can affect someone's life so extensively. I had the privilege of working with children ages 2-14 years old, with a variety of disorders ranging from articulation/phonological conditions, to language and fluency disorders. One unforgettable experience is when I helped a client (Zorion) reach his articulation goal of pronouncing the phoneme /r/ in sentence form. Zorion had been working on this goal for months, and with a few of my personal techniques I helped him reach his goal in 4 sessions. When Zorion eagerly rushed down the hall with a huge smile on his face to inform his mother that he reached his goal I knew this was the rewarding career I desired.

The Speech and Hearing Science program was rigorous, but I feel that it prepared me for the challenges of the SLP Master program. It is my greatest ambition to become an educated, well-rounded SLP, and I know that Arizona State University will help me to achieve that.

Hello!

Overall, I think this is a good piece but because Graduate school is a lot more competitive I would suggest revising the following things:

1- The word choice... "One sentence that really caught my attention said,..." Try to rephrase this, as it sounds cliche'

2- Use more descriptive language, like I can't feel the passion in your personal statement which most schools would see as a problem. So definitely try to make a more heartfelt paper, I know its only 300 words but I still don't your excitement in the essay.

- some evidence to prove this statement on your part will be quite helpful. It does not need to be very long but you need to mention something to prove that you have the passion to help people.


- You cannot apply to graduate school and tell the admissions office that you were never certain of the path you were going to take. This line alone will get this application thrown into the trash. Instead, portray yourself as always having known that this is the path you would end up in. Explain that you came to know about the SLP program while still in college and decided that it was the logical next step for you and why.


- This paragraph is a nice touch. In the portion where you mention some personal techniques, I suggest that you mention at least one of these techniques in order to show that you have the potential to become a future leader in this field, which will make a graduate degree even more important for you to have.

Your closing statement was just to short, bland, and non-informative. I am suggesting that you revise this statement using the comments that you have been provided with and see if there is a notable difference from the first to the second version. I know that there is a 300 word limit. But that is just a test of your thought coherence. As you revise the essay, you will find a way to say what you need to say using a few words as possible. Let's work on getting your message across to the admissions officer first and then work on cleaning up the grammar errors.

My best wishes to you as you revise the paper. That is, if you choose to do so :)

Thank you for your feedback. I am going to work on your suggestions and re-post. I would appreciate if you could make more suggestions after I repost.

I think your essay is well written but this kind of essays need more pasion while writing I hope that you'll work on this point

I have used all of your suggestions. What do you think of the revisions? What needs to be worked on?

How often are you able to incorporate passion and profession in your career choice? As a Speech Language Pathologist you have the ability to improve the overall quality of life for children and adults by helping them acquire, improve, or regain their ability to communicate. I have always known I wanted a career in the health profession, which is why I pursued a Bachelor in Applied Biological Science. My senior year I researched different Master degrees, and I came about the SLP program. My advisor informed me that I first need to complete the pre-requisite courses. This is when I learned how extensively speech impairments can affect someone's life.

Could you imagine what life would be like if you could not communicate? The constant frustration and embarrassment could easily take over your life, and even alter your self-identity. That is no way to live, and I find great gratification knowing that as a SLP I could assist people to change their perspective on life by giving them the tools and skill sets they need to communicate more effectively. As a SLPA intern I had the privilege of helping a client (Zorion) reach his articulation goal of pronouncing the phoneme /r/ in sentence form. Zorion smiled from ear to ear as he ran eagerly down the hallway to inform his mother that he reached his goal. After his mother gave him a huge hug, he turned to look at me with tears in his eyes and said, "thank you Miss Angelina". At that exact moment I knew this was the rewarding career I desired.

I am eager to use my passion and enthusiasm to help clients reach their goals. It is my greatest ambition to become an educated, well-rounded SLP, and I know that Arizona State University will help me to achieve that.

Don't develop just the last paragraph. You need to develop the essay overall. Don't forget the I-B-C rule of writing an essay. The Introduction, Body, and Conclusion. Whatever it is that you need to say in terms of expanding your presentation of yourself, do it within the body. Don't over expand your conclusion. The conclusion should merely reiterate your desire to attend the school in order to pursue your future advocacy :-) Even with a limited word count, you should concentrate on the build up of the middle of the paper, the body. Say what you have to say in about 2 or3 paragraphs at the most, within the body of the essay. The body and the conclusion are the most important parts of the essay. The introduction only sets the tone for the paper :-) I hope this additional advice helps you out :-)