Speech-language pathology - essay opinion needed

I am applying for admission to several graduate schools for speech-language pathology. I am having trouble getting my personal essay to flow the way I want it to. I'm wondering if I post it below, can someone take a look and give me some suggestions?

Thanks so much,

Amanda

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From my earliest memories as a child playing with friends, to my current job as a public relations assistant for one of New Jersey's largest health systems, communication is the one constant that has carried me through life. I have always been interested in how people communicate with each other; whether through speech, listening, or nonverbal cues. Along with my long-standing interest in communication, has been my desire to help those less fortunate than myself. Through the years, I have volunteered for many different organizations, and always feel gratified when I know that I have assisted someone, or something, in a positive way.

Several years ago, when applying for undergraduate programs, I decided that communication studies would best suit my aspiration to learn more about human communication. Upon graduating Magna Cum Laude from Montclair State University, I continued to work for the health system I had interned with during my last year of college. There, I found that working in the corporate world did not give me the sense of fulfillment I craved. I learned that I do not just want to sit behind a desk and stare into a computer screen all day - I want a career that will enable me to proactively help those in need.

After speaking with several professionals and viewing them in their work environment, I discovered that speech therapy would be a perfect fit for me. It is my hope to learn as much as I can about all aspects of communication disorders before beginning my graduate studies. I am currently enrolled as a non-degree student at a state university, enabling me to take a few speech courses before I am a graduate student. I also volunteer on a weekly basis, working one-on-one with adults who suffer from aphasia, a language disorder that is usually a result of stroke or other brain injury. Volunteers use software programs to help members improve their memory, cognition, speech, and learning skills. It is a very gratifying experience to know that the person I am helping is appreciative of my efforts to help them build their skills.

It is my goal to earn a master's degree in speech and language pathology so that I may go on to become a practicing speech therapist. I am excited to begin this step in my educational career; my decision to apply to _____(here I will insert information that pertains to each school I will be applying to)___. For these reasons, and many more, it would be an honor and privilege to be accepted into your fine university.

Greetings!

I think your essay flows quite well! The only thing I can think of that might make it stand out more would be to start with a personal anecdote about a particular person you helped, and how that experience affected you. That's optional, of course, but I've seen it make essays really stand out.

Aside from that, I have these editing suggestions:

I have always been interested in how people communicate with each other; whether through speech, listening, or nonverbal cues. - Semicolons are used to divide independent clauses; your second phrase cannot stand alone as a sentence, so use a comma instead of a semicolon.

It is a very gratifying experience to know that the people I am helping appreciate my efforts to help them build their skills. - "Person" is singular, so you should not use it with "they."

your fine university. - While I am sure that you mean this, it is cliched enough to sound a little disingenuous. I'd avoid using the phrase "your fine university" and either insert the name of the school or, at the least, use a stronger word like "outstanding."

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Thanks so much for your feedback, Sarah. I've made your suggested changes, and changed things around a bit. I'm not positive if the opening makes enough sense...any other feedback would be appreciated.

Thanks again,
Amanda

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When Barbara, a woman of 60 years who had suffered a stroke in 2006, smiled and hugged me tightly after our communication-building computer session, I knew that speech therapy was the profession that was meant for me. I was not always so sure of my career path, although there have always been certain subjects that I have gravitated towards. From my earliest memories as a child playing with friends, to my current job as a public relations assistant for one of New Jersey's largest health systems, communication is the one constant that has carried me through life. I have always been interested in observing and learning about how people communicate with each other, whether through speech, listening, or nonverbal cues.

It seemed only natural that, when applying for undergraduate programs, I decided communication studies would best suit my educational interests. Upon graduating Magna Cum Laude from Montclair State University this past May, I continued to work for the health system I had interned with during my last year of college. There, I found that working in the corporate world did not give me the sense of fulfillment I craved. Along with my long-standing interest in communication, has always been my desire to help those less fortunate than myself. Through the years, I have volunteered for many different organizations, and always feel accomplished when I know that I have assisted someone, or something, in a positive way. After working in an office environment, I realized that I do not just want to sit behind a desk and stare into a computer screen all day; I want a career that will enable me to proactively help those in need.

After speaking with several professionals and viewing them in their work environment, I discovered that speech therapy would be a perfect fit for me. It is my hope to learn as much as I can about all aspects of communication disorders before beginning my graduate studies. I am currently enrolled as a non-degree student at a state university, enabling me to take a few speech courses before I am a graduate student. I also volunteer on a weekly basis, working one-on-one with adults, like Barbara, who suffer from aphasia -- a language disorder that is usually a result of stroke or other brain injury. Volunteers use software programs to help members improve their memory, cognition, speech, and learning skills. It is a very gratifying experience to know that the people I am assisting greatly appreciate my efforts to help them build their skills.

It is my goal to earn a master's degree in speech and language pathology so that I may go on to become a practicing speech therapist. I am excited to begin this step in my educational career. (here I will insert information that pertains to each school I will be applying to)

Greetings!

You've got the right idea, but to make the opening work, it has to be a little more "in the moment"; you might try something like this:

Barbara looked up at me, her eyes shining, as the computer showed she had gotten another answer right. A 60-year-old woman who had suffered a stroke a few months before, Barbara had come a long way, thanks to her hard work in our series of communication-building computer sessions. Before she left, Barbara smiled and hugged me tightly; from that moment on, I knew that speech therapy was the profession that was meant for me.

You can see how the tone is more personal and the action draws the reader in, engaging the emotions (just a bit) as well as the mind. You don't want to overdo it, of course, in this context, but I think a little helps make it more memorable.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

i love it! thanks so much :)