A few questions I have for anyone willing to review my paper.
-Does my paper flow well?
-Does it answer the prompt.
-Does it have any major flaws. / weaknesses.
-too many ands?
-is the first example too long?
-is the second way too short?
Prompt : examples of leadership in your life. Also briefly discuss academic goals and professional goals.
thanks in advanced.
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Some say great leaders are born, not made. I believe leadership is a skill learned through life experiences and not a predetermined trait. I graduated in May 2008 with a B.S in Finance. Despite an unfavorable economic environment, I was able to secure a planning position within an industry leading widget manufacturer. Throughout my tenure in the operations department at Widget co., I have had the opportunity to both observe and take an active role in critical decisions that require effective leadership. I will explore a particular work-related scenario that tested my leadership experience forged during a summer pastime.
I manage the inventory manufactured in the widget city plant for five regional distribution centers across the United States. I provide the plant with daily production schedules to meet the sales forecast. The slow economy coupled with the seasonal nature of the industry prompted management to greatly reduce manufacturing capacity. As a result my schedules became very tight allowing very little room for error and threat of stock-out fresh in my mind. Then one day in the most inopportune of timing my plant manager called. I could hear the hesitation in his voice. He informed me that not only was the plant running about a day behind but an item was missed entirely on the schedule and some inventory had been produced in the wrong box. This was an absolute train wreck of a problem that required quick action. I now had three, high profile, big-box items that needed urgent inventory replenishment with no inventory in transit. I was forced to scramble for a solution. I maintained my composure and instructed the plant manager to abandon current planned production on both lines and to begin producing the missed items. The plant manager's attitude became more upbeat in his response. I could hear the relief he found in my confidence to address the situation. I then quickly evaluated the inventory position at each of the five distribution centers. I issued transfer orders shifting inventory from the southernmost locations to warehouses located farther north. This would help buy me a little time on the transportation side. I then contacted transportation to secure trucks and lane dates to ensure prompt delivery of the product upon completion. Throughout that week it was quite nerve-wracking watching the items' inventory teeter as sales came in. Luckily, no large orders came in that week. My quick action and careful coordination paid off. I was proud of myself for effectively utilizing leadership skills in a corporate setting. Reflecting back on the situation reminds me of prior leadership feats. In particular, I attribute my success to an experience from a summer not too long ago.
During my freshman year of college I organized a club soccer team. I recruited players and scheduled team practice sessions. I rallied support to raise money internally to finance team uniforms and association dues. We frequently held team dinners and team sponsored outings. In hindsight, I feel my experience with the soccer team truly honed my ability to manage people and establish sense of camaraderie required to work effectively as a team. I have since applied lessons learned to other areas of my life. I have learned leadership qualities transcend all aspects of life whether a school project or corporate undertaking, and interpersonal skills gained as a consequence apply to an even broader realm. As a continuation of self improvement I now embrace opportunities to better my leadership skills.
I have long had the goal of pursuing a master's degree, but recently bettering my education has taken on more value. I hope to use an advanced degree as a catalyst to realign my career and shift into a corporate finance role. As a graduate student I intend to maintain the same academic standard I exhibited as an undergraduate. I also plan to actively participate in campus organizations. I hope to leverage the experiences and knowledge I gain from the Management School to better my career and improve my leadership skills. Furthermore, the tools and experiences I gain as a graduate student at UUU will help me reach this objective. The Management School offers an excellent platform from which to supplement the progression of a career that will open doors.
Hello, FredMax!
1) I think its flow is ok. Essay's not very long and elaborates on only a few things, so it's easy to follow.
2) Yes, but not fully. I think you were too brief on "academic goals and professional goals". Briefness wouldn't have been that much of a problem, if you were more specific and concrete. "Better my career and improve my leadership skills" -- this is very general and I think you need to avoid that. Maybe try to describe a particular position you would like to obtain after getting MS degree, mention a research field etc.
3) The opening paragraph is rather uninspiring. Paragraph with the first example is very wordy.
4) Didn't think so.
5) In my opinion -- yes. You're too focused on the story and facts surrounding it. Only a few sentences portray the actions you took and actually tell about moments where you acted as a leader. There's some things you should cut there, I think.
6) It's perfect! It's very dense and most informative. I liked it the most. It shows examples of your responsibilities as a leader and shows how this made you better. Excellent!
A period is missing right at the start:
My name is Fred Max. I graduated in May 2008 with a B.S in Finance.
I agree that the opening para needs some interest added to it! How about making an unexpected observation about finance? Give a profound insight at the start, and make it a theme for your essay.
I think you do not need to write your name at the start. Replace it with a brilliant observation about leadership & finance!
Thanks for the advice. I have made several revisions based off of the first response. Spending some time away from the paper has given me a chance to really see the pointlessness of the story build up. I have cut out a lot of the story and made a good effort to bring the rest of the paper together.
Some revisions made. Please give me your opions. I feel I need help with the beginning and end.
the dealine is approaching.
Thanks in advanced!
I have long had the goal of pursuing a master's degree, but recently bettering my education has taken on more value. ---> good sentence!
---->another good sentence: My quick action and careful coordination paid off.
This is excellent...I think, at the end, you should refer back to the phrase from the 1st para "great leaders" Use that phrase again at the end...
Thanks so much for the feedback Kevin. I will work at adding your sugggestion to the end. Note: I am working with a one page limit. (i have already played with the margins for extra space.)
Just to confirm.
How do you feel about the first pargraph? flow and content wise.
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You think the ending is fine if I am able to add a sentence about leaders?
Well, one additional thought is this: The first sentence of the last para refers to the masters as the goal, but I always think it is more powerful if the degree you are seeking is a means to an end in some grand process... like, you have clear plans about the good you are going to do in the world. So, perhaps that first sentence of the last para could refer to something you want to do as a professional -- something that the degree will make possible.
The first paragraph... I think you could do without the first sentence. It is a good sentence... but I think it could get off to a stronger start if you just begin with sentence #2. I may be wrong, though... get a second opinion!! :-)
Kevin and Overwatch_UA I want to thank you for taking the time to provide some input.
I have made a few additional changes and submitted my essay.
May I ask that the mods close the thread or delete the post with the essay?
Thanks in advance.
I'll close the thread right now. You can see the TOS for explanations of everything. Thanks!!!
