"Passion from compassion" - Admissions Essay to Health Administration MBA Program

Good afternoon! I am in the process of completing my graduate application for an MBA in Health Administration. This is the first of 4 questions asked to be submitted with the graduate application. The uni has asked that we keep our responses to approximately 200 words.

Does the following response answer the question the uni is asking? Does the statement flow?

Your professional feedback is much appreciated. Thank you in advance for your time.

How will the MBA/MS degree enhance your career plans? Project the kinds of positions you anticipate having five years after earning the degree. What experiences have you had that form the foundation of your goals?

Second only to family is the passion for contributing to the world in a purposeful and meaningful way. The Health Administration MBA will support this passion and enhance my career plans by providing me the fundamental and unique tools to improve the system of care giving, both domestically and internationally, and facilitate and empower others in their journey of personal actualization.

The types of positions I anticipate having five years after earning a Health Administration MBA include a mid- to senior- level management position in patient care services, or a role in planning and development. Rooted in my ambitions, I project these positions to be in the contexts of a public health facility, rehabilitation center, mental health organization, relief organization, or government health institute. In addition, I envision advancement towards building and managing a business based on Co-operative principles and values, which will provide domestic and international holistic health and rehabilitation services and resources for marginalized and vulnerable populations.

I offer my experience as a clinician of occupational therapy, a facilitator of growth and development, a coordinator of projects, and an intrinsic healer of humanity. Nearly two decades of work with children and adults with disabilities has been central in establishing the core foundation on which passion from compassion continues to mature.

Hi Stacy, I just wanted to thank you so much for helping me conclude my Whitman supplement. It helped form my thoughts into an extremely well-written conclusion. I felt there was something missing, and you definitely added so much to my paper. Thanks a million! As for your essay, I do feel like you answered each individual question. Your writing style is very down-to-earth and eloquent. There is definitely no fluff, which is great for admissions counselors! I didn't completely understand what experiences (that you previously had) that helped form the foundation of your goals. You briefly touched on that in your last paragraph. But maybe you should expand on it? (unless you have it in your resume or another document that you're sending) Best of luck Stacy! You'll do great with where ever life takes you.

Daniela,

I am happy to help. The nerd in me really enjoys reading and editing. Plus, I get to learn about people, which is very interesting.

I very much appreciate your review of my essay. I, too, felt that the end left my readers hanging. Each of the four responses to the uni's questions are meant to be around 200 words. That's not difficult, hey? Oh, yes, lessons in "getting to the point."

I will be posting my other essays in the next week. Perhaps you may have time/the desire to assist me further?

Kind Regards,
Stacy