Perseverance, survival and cross-cultural sharing + Girl rescure - MBA Admissions

Hello,

This is the second essay on my list.

Question: Describe what you believe to be your two most substantial accomplishments to date, explaining why you view them as such. (400 words approx.)

A. During a three-month surveying assignment in Afghanistan, I learned perseverance, survival and cross-cultural sharing. As leader of a team of three engineers, I had to keep the team motivated and safe, despite the constant threat of land mines, kidnapping and winter snowstorms. My physical strength and emotional sanity were severely challenged by the constant struggle for existence. Caught in a blizzard in the 14,000 foot high Hindu Kush mountains, we spent one freezing night in a car with only raisins and water. But I put aside my inner feelings and kept a cool head, leading the team as we marched through abandoned battlefields. To communicate with our local workers, I learned the local dialects of Dari and Pashto; I was honored by their friendship and was even invited into their homes to share their culture. On urgent request from the Indian Embassy, I filled in for my manager and successfully planned and conducted, with the help of the US Air Force, an aerial survey over the Taliban-held Salang Mountains. My intense experience during this assignment made me appreciate the value of human life. In spite of the devastation and lawlessness, I experienced a new culture and tradition that I will cherish forever.

B. Back in university, I organized a group of classmates to rescue a 10-year old girl from her abusive uncle, a tenured professor and superintendent of my dorm. The battered child had been turned over to me, the dorm's "mess manager," by the kitchen staff, who had helped her with food in the past. Being from a poor village, the child was sent by her parents to stay with her uncle, with hope for better education and upbringing. We learned she had escaped from the professor's home after a year of constant abuse by her uncle and aunt. I convinced four close friends to join me in contacting the local police. We filed a complaint against the couple, and found her a government-run shelter. We then had to track down her unsuspecting parents. We pressed charges against the professor, who tried to retaliate against us; he also threatened me upon hearing I was to testify against him in court. Eventually, the professor and his wife were heavily fined and warned of dire consequences for repeat actions. Thankfully, the girl was reunited with her parents, and went back to a local school near her village. In many ways I wish this "accomplishment" never had to happen. In this case, defying the status-quo was my only choice.

To communicate with our local workers, I learned the local dialects of Dari and Pashto.

Being from a poor village, the child was sent by her parents to stay with her uncle, in hopes of a better education and upbringing.

I think that with these two experiences, you could write two novels! Excellent essays and very interesting reading.

:)

You are asking for it, so do not take sleight.

You cannot learn perseverance, or survival for that matter (if you figure out immortality, please share). What is cross-cultural sharing?

"As leader of a team of three engineers, I had to keep the team motivated and safe, despite the constant threat of land mines, kidnapping and winter snowstorms."

A few revisions/comments worth considering:

You should refer to it as my team. You misused the word despite. You incorrectly referred to kidnapping, because it is in verb form, else it would be kidnappings; kidnappings is a peculiar noun, and ambiguous, so it won't work either. How does kidnapping apply? Was your physical strength tested or was your energy tested? What would cause a person to struggle with his/her 'emotional sanity?'

I didn't get around to the second paragraph, but the first one is sheer garbage.

Obviously you need to provide a lot more background regarding the situation in Afghanistan. Do not presume that the reader knows your thoughts.

Thanks a lot for your valuable comments. Please have a look at this one and let me know what you think.

I don't agree with anything Mutafa said. Kidnapping is a noun form of a verb, a gerund. Despite is used correctly. Background information is not necessarily necessary, depending on the number of words the writer is allowed to use. That reference to "garbage" is unfounded.

...the U.S. Air Force, an aerial survey over the Taliban-held Salang Mountains. My intense experience ...

Despite the devastation and lawlessness, I experienced a new culture and tradition that I will cherish forever. --- this is an excellent sentence!


Cross--cultural sharing is a good term. It refers to the opposite of the isolationism and suspicion that keep cultures divided. About perseverance... I think it is alright to say you learned perseverance. When people say they learned perseverance, it means they had experiences that gave them insight into the way to persevere despite adversity.

I think these two paragraphs are impressive both in the content and in the style of writing.

My experience of culture shock began on the day I arrived in the United States. Coming from a developing country, I nurtured the great American dream in my mind. However, seeing the slums of Detroit on the very first day was a serious setback to those dreams. --- wow, ha ha, this is intriguing for someone like me, who grew up in America and tried to imagine the disillusionment people feel when this nation does not live up to their expectations...

The shock continued for several months (no comma necessary here) as I tried to get adjusted to this new society. My Indian accent was...

This part about culture shock is well-written, with eloquent sentences, but it can be better if you focus more on the "cultural" differences... lack of transportation does not fit, nor does lack of time or money. Write about cultural differences.

:-)

Dear Kevin,

I appreciate it very much that you clarified the previous comments. I was surprised but did not think it to be wise to respond back. Thanks much.

Also, the Culture Shock essay needs a rework - thanks for pointing out the important points.

Again, I am sorry for not starting a new thread.

Niladri.

Hi Kevin,

I re-worked the culture shock essay a bit, could you have a quick look and tell me. I am sorry to post so many requests, but my deadline for Insead is next week and I got connected to this forum very recently. I thank you again for your great help.

My experience with culture shock began on the day I arrived in the United States. Coming from a developing country, I had nurtured the idea of the "great American dream" since childhood. However, seeing the slums of Detroit on the very first day was a serious setback to these notions.

The shock continued for several months as I tried to adjust to this new society. My Indian accent was a barrier in communication; Banks, Housing Office, Food Courts - I struggled everywhere to get my word across. Even in school, it was difficult for me to understand the lectures. My food options were very limited because of my conservative Indian origins. For six months, I ate McDonald's for lunch because that was all that I could afford. Worst of all was my inability to express my thoughts. My roommates were of no help as they were as shocked as I was. I was unable to reach out to the nearby Indian families due to my time and transportation constraints. Additionally, I was too shy and embarrassed to ask people from my research group for help or words of encouragement.

As I became more accustomed to this unfamiliar culture and these less than ideal circumstances, I started making friends from diverse ethnicities and got involved in multiple community activities. By the end of my stay in Detroit, I had overcome the language barrier and my shyness. One of my fondest memories is the day I enjoyed the Renaissance Festival with my American colleagues in the morning and lost my voice cheering for the Red Wings that evening.

Don't be sorry, that is what EF is made of!

I think you should add one more sentence to the end of that first paragraph. Make it the most powerful, meaningful sentence in the whole essay. Add it right after that part about seeing Detroit... make this sentence, which you add to the end of the first paragraph, be the THESIS statement for the essay. Make it a sentence that perfectly expresses the idea you want the reader to remember.

The punctuation is wrong here:
My Indian accent was a barrier in communication. At banks, the housing office, food courts - I struggled everywhere...

Use hyphens here:
and these less-than-ideal circumstances, I started...

hey, just like I asked you to ad an additonal sentence to the end of the first paragraph, I think you should add a DIFFERENT VERSION OF THE SAME SENTENCE to the end of the last paragraph.