DESCRIBE A MEANINGFUL EXPERIENCE IN YOUR LIFE
Reflect on how that experience influenced your personal growth, such as your attitudes or perceptions.
So i am applying to Physical therapy school and this is this year essay prompt. Here's a rough draft that i have put together and wanted insight on how i could possibly make it better. Does the essay follow a coherent sequence, are there any grammar mistakes, incorrect punctuation's, run on sentences etc? Any advice is good advice so please dont be afraid to share. i know its pretty long and i want to delete some unnecessary sentences.
Growing up with a role model is something that a lot of people are blessed to have. For me that role model was my Uncle. He and his family moved to the United states from Nigeria in the early 2000s and joined my immediate family and I in our home. Living under the same roof with my uncle and cousins was a very big part of my childhood. Having them around was like having a second family, two dads, two mothers and a second set of siblings. My uncle passed on a lot of knowledge to me, he taught me the virtue of patience, the importance of believing in myself and the necessity of working hard. In our intense and profound conversations, he would often give me quotes to digest and think about such as this quote by Marianne Williamson "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure." My uncle was undoubtedly the most influential person in my life. He gave me hope and the belief that I can go very far in life.
Prior to 2010 I was just a young adolescent, I had no big dreams or extraordinary life goals. Throughout my early teenage years, I was never an incompetent student; moreover, I like to believe I was precocious compared to the rest of my classmates but for some odd reason this was never the case when report cards were sent home. I often under performed and found myself very apathetic when it came to matters relating to school. Although I thoroughly understood the curriculum being presented in class and could easily relay any information presented to me in a skillful manner something was always missing. I had no drive to tap into my full potential. I was a young boy who hadn't really grasped the essence of life, I was just going through the motions as any 15 or 16-year-old young man would do. I would go to school and avoid attention by acting in a bashful and reserved manner. I hated the spotlight and was always reluctant to socialize with my peers. During this time of my life I had a terrible eating pattern, I had no value for my physical or mental health. I often felt empty and dejected; however, my uncle was always there to pick me up and encourage me. By this time, my uncle and his family were pretty much on their feet and getting accustomed to life in the United States. He and his family purchased a house a couple of miles up the street from ours and this house would be a frequent destination of mines especially during the long summer intermissions between school years. Around 2007 my uncle had been diagnosed with cancer, though I didn't fully understand the severity of the disease at the time, I could tell that he was not well at all. Unfortunately, a couple of years later exactly 3 weeks before I began my first day of high school my uncle passed away. This was the worst possible time to be burdened with such a huge tragedy. As I prepared myself to enter the next chapter of my life, the most tragic incident thus far brought my life to a complete halt.
When school started a few weeks later after my uncles passing, I dealt with the pain as best as I could. I accepted that death was apart of life and realized that my uncle wouldn't have appreciated me being sullen and morose due to his passing. The death of my uncle changed many aspects about me, his death changed my whole view on life and the way I approached my responsibilities. The way I perceived a given situation was noticeably different. Every time I would face a difficult phenomenon, I would recall the many conversations that we had before going through with a decision. I became much more effective with my critical thinking and the way I analyzed situations. I no longer hold dogmatic insights, instead I am much more open minded to others and understand that everyone's opinion will always be slightly different from mines. My uncle often stressed the importance of education and knowledge. After his passing, I changed my view and attitude towards academics; I became a better student, I challenged myself to maintain good grades all throughout high school and even take a couple of AP classes which is something that propelled my cognitive abilities. I no longer viewed my teachers as just "another person" instead, I realized that they were here to help me, here to guide me, here to save me from myself. My convictions changed, certain things that I once thought were pointless or unnecessary became important to me. I vowed to become a healthier human being, I began to monitor whatever I consumed and took pride in educating my friends on healthy practices and how to avoid the onset of chronic diseases. I changed the way I socialized with others. His passing helped become more open to society, solicitous towards others, and down to earth. I humbled myself after his passing, I learned to appreciate the smaller things in life and to never take anything for granted. I had a new-found drive to be a better brother, son, friend and human being. I decided to modify and edify myself following the passing of my uncle. This experience really helped me become a better version of myself because I knew its what he would have preferred from me.
Since his passing nine years ago, I have made a lot of progress spiritually, physically and academically. Having progressed from that point of my life, I am now a very good socializer compared to my younger self. I no longer am wary or cautious of engaging in social activities. I've become very affable and outgoing. I realized now I am much more patient and forbearing, I do not get annoyed easily or become surly when things are not going as I planned. This is a virtue that I feel my uncle has indirectly passed on to me that will help me become a great physical therapist. I am now big on physical health, I love the idea of promoting a healthy life and helping others achieve good health. As a future physical therapist, I aspire to extend that same value of staying healthy and active to my future patients. My uncle's ability to instill the importance of knowledge in me was latent until this experience. Today, I have come to appreciate the value of education and academics. Now I find myself hungry for proficiency and anything that helps me help others. My uncle's untimely death played a huge part in why I wanted to pursue a post bachelor's degree and become a physical therapist, I love the idea of helping others unravel their full potential and become the best version of themselves.@chuckmane
Hello! Welcome to the forum. I hope that you appreciate the feedback that you're bound to receive here. If you do, please do not hesitate to approach us for a more detailed input.
Having said that, I'll be providing you with my input on your essay. On a fundamental level, there's nothing generally wrong about your writing. Considering that you had quite a grasp of grammar and the appropriate punctuation to be utilized, it would be better if you could have shortened the overall length of your paragraphs. While there is nothing wrong about having lengthy paragraphs, it can impede the direction of growth of your essay. I recommend that you shorten it for the purpose of having a more structured and concise approach to writing.
Furthermore, while it was great that you had incorporated so many details from the time that you were younger, it would have been better if you could have utilized this space to write with more ease. Try to focus more on critical details and the picture as a whole rather than adding so many unnecessary information throughout.
