I'm applying to grad school and working on my admissions essay. It's a very casual essay and they are looking for me to answer the following three questions:
1. What are my life goals
2. Name one professional expirience and what I learned from it
3. How can my college help me with my goals.
Learning I'm a Leader
Files were strategically stacked on the corner of my desk; sticky notes lined my computer screen, the phone was ringing off the hook; computer programs were not responding and foot traffic was rushing by my door. "I need you to be across town in ten min, can you be there?" My supervisor was relying on me to make a curtail contact with an agency. "I'm on my way," I said, as I grabbed my keys and was out the door. There was so much work to be finished and work continued to stack up but I wanted more. I was in my realm.
I received my Associates in Business Management and wanted more; I began my Bachelor's Degree in Human Services and knew I was on the right track. I wanted to make a difference in my community. When an internship opportunity became available at United Way, I jumped on board. I had no idea what I was about to walk into; one week later, I was coordinating 800 community volunteers and working with 24 local nonprofit agencies. I gained a great deal as a result of my involvement at United Way. I worked to increase awareness of the needs of men, women and families in the community. This is when I knew, nonprofit work was where I would succeed. I fell in love with the dynamics of my work, I took pride in the communication I was able to establish with my community and I looked forward to working with such a diverse group of agencies. I could have easily got caught up in my job, instead I learned how important it was to step outside of expectations and listen to what my community was asking for. Once I knew what the needs where, the fun part had just began. I never knew how creative I could be until it was my turn to solve problems. I loved the pressure, the timelines and the results. The work was difficult and I pushed myself to a level that I had never gone before. My supervisors at United Way gave me the opportunity to make critical decisions and become the lead contact of volunteer work. Before I knew it, community members where calling, asking for me by name, to get involved. I became a leader in my community. United Way confirmed what I had been questioning; nonprofit work was what I wanted to do in my future. Discovering that I had the ability to be a leader, and was good at being a leader, inspired me to do more. After graduation, I went to work. Unfortunately, I didn't land a job in nonprofit but that didn't discourage me. I continued to work hard and stayed involved. I wanted something more in-depth than volunteer work. I wanted to know how to run a nonprofit and what goes on behind the scenes. It looked like the next step was a master's degree.
Being an adult, my criteria for seeking a college was a bit different than the norm. I wasn't looking for where my friends would attend; I was looking for a college that was able to work with my busy lifestyle. Working full time, I am unable to attend a traditional classroom setting. In over a year of researching colleges, I have found that the Marylhurst MBA with a nonprofit concentration was the program I had been searching for. Imagine my excitement when I realized it was offered online. This program allows me to have the flexibility to maintain my working career while still furthering my education. By offering a concentration in nonprofit management I am able to develop my current business skills and now concentrate on my area of interest. I know this program is rigorous and requires an ample amount of dedication on my part. Being accepted into this program is giving me an opportunity I may never have again. The skills and knowledge that I have acquired in my previous positions will be a strong asset to your program. By bringing my diverse management experience and matching it with the strategic planning of this program, I feel that my education will put me one step ahead of others. I have learned the importance of having a knowledgeable team in any business or nonprofit and I believe I will receive that unique and in-depth education I am looking for in this program. By providing the nonprofit concentration, Marylhurst is preparing me for a career that I am able to make a difference in my community. Sense coming across this program, I have realized that earning my master's degree is a possibility for me.
Having the opportunity to receive my master's degree creates an entire new set of life goals for me. My interests in nonprofit aren't limited to one aspect of work; however, my ultimate goal is to become an executive director of a nonprofit agency. I feel that, in this position, I will be able to demonstrate my talents and knowledge to the best of my ability while providing my family with a stable income. In addition, I have some creative ideas that I would like to put in motion by developing my own nonprofit agency. Two large projects that I would like start are developing an orphanage for children in the area as well as creating a group home for teen mothers. Both of these facilities would be faith based and incorporate addition resources to the programs. I have a heart for children and their well being and believe my career will always involve youth. In my personal life, I would like to travel to Europe to explore the history and culture of the country. Getting accepted into graduate school and purchasing a home in Portland, Oregon are my current two goals in life. I also hope to one day start a family and share with them the reward I have received, for giving back in your community.
I like knowing that I have the ability to influence someone's life in a positive way and I am grateful for the opportunity I have been given to work so closely with my community. I have been raised with the idea that if you have received talents and benefits in your life, you need to give back. I am choosing to give back to my community in the areas that I know how; through increasing and enhancing my community's resources. To broaden my horizons and pursue my goals, I need the unique education that only Marylhurst University is able to offer me. I am lucky to have had the experiences that enabled me to gain new perspectives and to develop additional skills. I have received so much more than I have given by interning at United Way. Now, I look to expand my talents and knowledge, through the MBA program with a concentration in nonprofit, by attending Marylhurst University.
I don't really know how to explain why it is important here, but... I think but is better than yet:
There was so much work to be finished and work continued to stack up, but I wanted more. I was in my realm.------That is a really cool first paragraph! I just changed that word "yet." Yet is trying to hard, but but is just being himself.
I didn't know what I wanted in life needless to say; I had no idea where I would go. I don't think this part is good. Follow the rule: with every part of the essay show that you are completely inspired, completely driven. Do not do anything to let them think you were aimless... that is the way to succeed with essays like this. Show that you are on a mission and they will not want to stand in the way.
I never knew how creative I could be until it was my turn to solve problems. I loved the pressure, the timelines and the results. ----very cool! I think the reader is going to appreciate this theme.
Being an adult, my criteria for seeking a college was a bit different than the norm... Can you condense all of this and say it in about 50% of the number of words? When giving info, that is just causing the reader to have to work, so be quick about it.
This sentence is awesome: Imagine my excitement when I realized it was offered online.
You have a great writing style. I just think you should look at every paragraph and see if some of the explanation can be condensed into half the words. That process is like forging a blade. You add pressure and intensity. :-)
Looking good. Now that I see it again, I am unsure whether "in my realm" is the best way to end that paragraph. I like it, but I don't know if other readers will appreciate it as much. There are other words you could use to express this idea. This idea that you have found the realm where you thrive, found your calling -- this can be a great theme for the paper. Maybe you should lengthen that sentence and give the reader some unforgettable details about this experience of finding an environment in which you really thrive.
Also, you should go help some of the kids whose essays are on the unanswered list! :-) They can learn a lot from you, because your writing is more advanced.
