I don't like my essay too much, but I am out of ideas to improve it. Any feedback will be much appreciated:
XX offers countless opportunities to its residents except one: high-level education. Universities are few, offering mostly undergraduate programs, and there are no specialized Masters degrees in HR. When I relocated to XX I had to, very reluctantly, set aside my aims for building upon my education. One of the most important reasons to immigrate to XX was to enable myself to achieve this aim.
Coming from a traditional family in xx, I have always had to work very hard to realize my ambitions. Business education is still very much a man's domain in my country; women are expected to stick to the more traditional degrees. I got admitted to the MBA program at the most prestigious business school, xx. Girls are not expected to pursue a career, even those armed with professional degrees in healthcare, education, engineering, etc. I acquired a job at xx as Senior Marketing Officer right after graduation.
I spent 3 years at xx, marketing Jet fuel to Aviation companies. I learned in depth about b2b marketing. From acquiring new customers, to making current accounts more profitable, to achieving supplies at the most competitive rates, I was part of the entire gamut of operations. The most important lesson I learned was to never lose sight of the big picture by becoming embroiled in the day-to-day job functions.
When I moved to xx after marriage, I applied to and got accepted at xx as HR Officer. The 3 years I have spent here were primarily an educational experience during which I learnt the fundamentals of HR management. My MBA gave me a hint about what to expect at my new job but soon I realized that there is much more to HR than processing leave applications and organizing employee files.
When I joined, the department was preparing to transition to a paperless environment by implementing SAP. This was an opportunity I grabbed with both hands. I worked hard to gain expertise of the SAP system first and soon became the main user of the system in the department. I succeeded in carving a niche for myself: SAP became the backbone of the company, and I became an expert at the software.
Primarily, I have learned that HR management is by no means mundane. Employees are the primary strength of an organization; only those companies that invest in their HR will be the ones that reach the top and remain there.
I am fortunate to have worked at the helms of first a business function, and then a support function at two different organizations. I have a better grasp of the mechanics of the complex structure called an organization. These two highly varied jobs and work environments have given me increased flexibility and adaptability. Now I look forward with anticipation to a new beginning.
This does not work:
"countless" except one.
XX offers countless opportunities to its residents, but high-level education is not among them. Universities are few, offering mostly undergraduate programs, and ...
Use three instead of 3:
I spent three years at xx, marketing Jet fuel to aviation companies. -------And do not capitalize aviation in this sentence.
All of what you have written is very persuasive. I think the way you described your experiences is excellent. Now, at the end I think you can improve a little by doing something more meaningful than this:
...look forward with anticipation to a new beginning. Let's leave the reader with a clear mental image of what you are looking forward to doing.
:-)
