Research Papers / Review Research paper over Police in the Schools [2]

Fhallon, when you present the facts behind your discussion try to balance the discussion by offering solid evidence regarding the issue. That way you don't end up saving all of your evidentiary argument for the last part where they do not have any sense anymore. There is no sense in presenting the evidence of how the SRO's could be arresting students for wrong or misdemeanor charges at the end of the essay when you already discussed that issue early on. Remember, the correct way to discuss a research paper is :

Topic + Reasoning + Evidence = Solid Argument

Also, don't introduce yourself as a police officer in the middle of the essay. Mention that as part of the reason why you decided to discuss this topic and why you feel that you are in an authoritative position to make conclusions based on facts of the issue. Give yourself credibility early on in the presentation so that the professor will give your opinion more credence and importance.

The length can be shortened by adjusting the points where you insert your evidence regarding the discussions. You may not need to present all of the evidence you have now, or you can delete some parts because they become superfluous once the essay is revised for content position.

Scholarship / Nottingham Trent university (business administration) [10]

Sabry, be consistent in your formatting, either you use bullet points, numbering tags, or essay paragraph formats to discuss the universities and the course choices. You cannot mix up the formats in your final presentation. Pick the most effective one and stick to it. I have also asked you to refer to the current contributions that the UK have made in your country in relation to your chosen profession. This is supposed to show the importance of why you wish to study in the UK. There is still no reference to that partnership between your country and the UK. Try to improve on that aspect and remove the discussion about your career upon your return to your country. That is best saved for the post study career plan discussion. Just present a simple closing statement about the relevance of the relationship of the UK and your country through the course you are studying instead.

Scholarship / Research has shown that 70-80% of all professional jobs are obtained through effective networking [2]

Increas, you may have a full circle of friends and consider yourself well networked when actually, you are not. The number of good friends that you have do not automatically translate into an effective and useful network for yourself. The friends that you create in one circle today, may not be useful to you in the future if you decide to change jobs. Don't say that will not happen to you. Career changes happen every minute across the world. There are no exceptions to that rule. So make sure that you can present your network in terms of overall need and use. That means indicating not only your friendship network, but also your professional circle who may be composed of both friends and business associates (not necessarily friends) alike.

Since you did not accept the interneship that was offered to you, there is no need to discuss it in this essay. What is the point of discussing a possible network avenue that you did not pursue? That doesn't help the reviewer learn anything useful about you. The networking that you did with the music company might be a better example of an almost professional network undertaking. However, it would be better for your interests if you had real world, truly non-academic experience to speak of because that will show how you have grown your network from being an academic person, to a professional person who has contacts that are ready to be shared with the other members of the scholarship when it becomes necessary for you to do that.

Scholarship / My mission of elaborate directives about explosives of civil use, pyrotechnical products. CHEVENING [2]

LIsbel, it is not very often when we get Chevening female applicants who work in such an important field. You are quite an interesting person. However, the essay that you developed is not that impressive because you decided to summarize the information about your job instead of focusing on presenting actual evidence of your leadership and influencing abilities as required by the prompt. Your goals would be better received if you could share them as part of an actual, implemented project. Presenting it in such a manner will allow you to better discuss the development of your leadership and influencing style. Not only that, but the essay will become full length in presentation, with more informative data for consideration included. This summary form of presentation doesn't really offer much in terms of introducing you to the reviewer so, if I were you, I would reconsider the overall format when I go in to start the revisions.

Research Papers / Essay about Campaign Finance and its harms on the political process [2]

Babiker, when you are working on a research paper such as this, it is important to properly introduce the topic of your discussion. That means, you need to present a fully developed thesis statement within the introductory paragraph. That will set the tone for discussion and also give the reader an idea as to what kind of information to expect as the research progresses. I did not see any proper reference to the topic of the research. You should add that in about one or two sentences towards the end of the opening paragraph. That will work wonders in terms of allowing the reader to properly read the content you are presenting instead of feeling confused about the information gathered.

As for your sources, professors and teachers often frown on the use of any Wiki site as a reference. I suggest that you stick to only academic sources and websites such as those that end in .org, .gov, or .edu. These are the only valid websites that educators consider authoritative in the research papers of their students.

Scholarship / A leader needs to guide as well as follow. Requirement of leadership skills Chevening. [2]

There is a misconception these days that as long as a person works with a team, then everyone in the team is a leader. That is not the case. That is why the term "Team Leader" was developed. The term describes the person with the fullest authority over the team and also delegates his role as lead influencer. So your claim that working on that project allowed everyone to be a leader is flawed. Unless there were many sub research teams that had their own leaders, forcing the group to have tentacles of leadership, I don't see how your claim could be valid.

Your actual work experience does not verge on leadership either. It is more of a subordinate role than anything else since you require approval for your movements from someone higher in rank than you. If there is any prompt relevant issue that can be derived from that role of yours, it would probably be the influencing side since you had to present the results of our studies to other people and make them believe in your results. In terms of leadership, the whole essay is weak and in bad need of proper leadership examples.

Scholarship / Once a leader; Always a leader. Seeking for a better Change for continuous development of my nation [4]

Giwa, the essay is too short and does not fulfill the full requirements of the essay. First of all, I need to get one thing straight from you. Seeing as you were part of a student body until recently, does that mean that you do not have any actual work experience that you can refer to in terms of leadership and influence? Chevening is a scholarship that leans heavily towards the professional experience of their applicants so it would be in your best interest to compete on the same ground as everyone else in order to ensure the consideration of your application. While your academic leadership is notable, it is not as strong as the experiences the others will be presenting. In order to compete, you need to be able to present some highly impressive or, at the very least, professional leadership experience of some sort.

If you want to continue to use the information that you have, then focus on the development of the mosquito repellant instead. Discuss your role on the development team and how you were able to use your influencing skills to get the project to go ahead. While there was no government participation in this project, we might be able to make it notable enough to use in the essay. Any chance the repellant will be picked up by a government arm and distributed nationally? That would really make your essay highly competitive and memorable.

Scholarship / United we stand, divided we fall. Chevening 2017/2018 - Networking [3]

Jaime, do not deviate from the more important discussion in the prompt. Your opening paragraph was quite enlightening and relevant to the professional experience that you presented. I wish that you had developed the idea that the clients preferred to contact you even though you had already passed them on to new handlers. While this shows your influence among your clients, it also provided an opportunity for you to show leadership and influencing skills by returning them to their handlers and influencing them to place their trust in the new account managers. This would have shown that you have not only leadership and influencing skills, but also complete trust in the ability of your team mates. That is a definite plus in these sorts of essays.

You can totally remove the civic idea related to your volunteering at PAWS. While the intention you have for presenting it is admirable, it doesn't really provide a clear idea as to how you were able to lead and influence the situation or the people as a volunteer. The more appropriate story for this essay is the work related one.

Writing Feedback / The volume of goods in million tonnes in United Kingdom, years 1974-2002 [2]

Merieza, there is an incomplete overview in your opening paragraph. You must always present at least 3 sentences in each paragraph in order to display the impression that you understood the information you were presented with. The increased sentence count also allows you to better represent the complete information as per the graph presentation. There is also a lack of a proper concluding statement. Without the proper recap or repeated summary at the end, the requirements of the essay format are not properly met. The information presented is not smooth and lacks the proper reference words in order to create a proper flow of conversation and representation of the unit of measurement used in the graph. That unit of measurement must be consistently represented in the information because without it, the reader gets lost regarding the measurements being presented.

Undergraduate / Describe your favorite academic subject and explain how it has influenced you. [4]

This is a very interesting presentation Gilan. You utilized a unique way of responding to the prompt. However, I don't believe that your response is strong enough represent how your interest in this topic influenced you. the influence that you present here is on the logical side. It allows the reviewer to know that you are analytical and highly interested in science and all things related. It does not, offer him a look at who you are because of science. What kind of character came about within you because of the scientific influence? Science seems to technical a discussion, which is where your response finally ended up . So maybe you can try to make it a little unscientific by presenting the influence it had on your character development as well? That way you don't just present your logical side, you also present your human side as science helped you develop it.

Scholarship / Leaders are made of the sincere, devoted pursuit after a cause or a vision [2]

Samar, you need only one strong example of leadership and influencing skill to present to the reviewer. In all honesty, I believe that the professional experience that you presented in this essay will be the strongest example that you can provide to the reviewer. You have the leadership role down pat. Showing how you can lead by example and action even with the odds are against you. Now, all you have to do is provide a clearer idea as to how you managed to influence the heads of the other departments to help you achieve your goals for the betterment of the company. You have a pretty strong background in terms of leadership and influence. I base that on the professional story that you shared. So go the extra mile and make sure that this experience can help your application become competitive in the end.

Scholarship / One of my goals -- Post study career plan. Chevening [4]

Post study career plans usually relate to just the immediate and near future plans that you have for your career. That is because the course you are studying will only take one year to complete and as such, will not have a tremendous impact on your long term career goals. While the masters degree could be the basis of your future PhD course, it isn't totally connected to your immediate career plans. So, in my opinion, I believe that you should just lose, drop, and delete the last paragraph relating to your interest in a PhD course in the long term. I don't think that it is relevant to the immediate expectations of the prompt. I actually tried to read your essay without that paragraph included and the essay worked quite well, even without it. So I'm confident that your essay will not suffer if you try out my suggestion.

Scholarship / Chevening Scholarship - Leadership : the one who can develop their character, knowledge, and skills [3]

Rehza, your essay is currently the result of your scattered brain. The thought process has you discussing your leadership experience in a less than chronological manner. You do not have a clear path towards presenting your leadership abilities and influencing skills. Your college leadership experience is irrelevant to this discussion. Mostly because you only held the position for one year and did not really have any experience that would better illustrate your leadership and influencing skills. Why did you neglect to build up your professional leadership skills?

As a digital branch manager, the title of your position alone screams "Leadership!" and "Influence!" You could have built your entire essay on that implied leadership and influencing ability alone. I am sure that you have had some fires at the office that you had to put out either in terms of leadership ability or influencing skills. Can't you try and build a new essay around that concept? The professional aspect of your leadership skills are more important than your college activities that you believe relate to the prompt. It would be in your best interest to strengthen your discussion using that concept if you can.

Scholarship / CHEVENING plans to collaborate with the UK established West Africa Science Innovation Network WASIN [2]

Excellent work Okoye! You really drafted a clear short term plan that could accurately cover the first 5 years after your graduation. Word of caution though, since you will have just graduated from the Chevening program, I don't think it will be good for you to tell them that you plan on applying for financial aid as a Chevener. In fact, I do believe that you need to clarify that statement. Are you planning to get a grant for research? Do you plan on using the Chevening network to do that? Maybe you just misstated your intention? Rethink that part and what you wish to say ok?

Now the last part mentioning the PhD is out of place in this essay. This is a post study career plan. Not a post study study plan. So keep the PhD discussion out of the immediate plans. That is more of a long term career plan discussion topic than a Chevening post study career plan.

Scholarship / Chevening Palestinian Territories - Networking Question [3]

Hey Nadin, I believe that you misunderstood the prompt requirements. You were not being asked to discuss the method by which a network is developed. While it is admirable to see that you have the ability to explain the importance of networking and how to develop it, you are just wasting the reviewers time at this point. Just go direct to the professional networking experience that you have had either in your professional or civilian life. Do not refer to your academic network as that is not really applicable in the real world setting that the Chevening scholarship demands. Keep in mind that the network you speak of needs to be real and usable because you will be expected to not only use that network, but also build upon that network in order to share its benefits with Chevening and the other scholars past, present, and future.

Writing Feedback / Whether or not should young adults live with their parents for a longer time? [2]

Xin, I wish that you had attached the original prompt along with your essay. That prompt is supposed to be the basis of our analysis of your essay. At this point, I can only hazard to guess the type of question you were provided and the extent of your compliance with the prompt. While the essay is well thought out and shows a clear flow of thought and development of discussion, I feel like there should have been more of a balance in your discussion through the comparison of the pros and cons of children living with their parents for a longer period of time. I believe that your opinion is good and sound. There are a number of positive points in this essay actually.

First of all, your flow of thought is smooth and transfers in an understandable method into paragraph form. Second, you based the proofs in your essay on commonly known reasons which help to create the impression that you are capable of thinking in English and forming coherent thought and speech patterns. Finally, your language may not be smooth but you certainly engaged the reader in a manner that did not stress the reader out while reading your work.

Scholarship / "Be the change you wish to see in the world" A good leader is able to send out positive vibrations [7]

Jaime, we still need to prove to the reviewer that you have the ability to resolve conflict in the workplace through the use of your influencing skill. Consider if you will, how you have had to deal with those concerned during a miscommunication or problem in the method by which the instructions of an investor is carried out. How did you react to the situation and were you able to actually perform the task of diffusing the situation through the use of your leadership skills? That is still missing in this essay and because of it, the essay is weak and not really applicable to the prompt. I wish you could delete the middle part of the essay and show true leadership instead of describing your duties or a day in your life at the office. The essay is still quite far from delivering on what the prompt requires.

Writing Feedback / a raise in the price of petrol is not the best solution to handle traffic and pollution problems [2]

Hi Miftah, you could possibly score a 6 on the scoring band with this essay. As I read the essay, I came to realize that you not only understood the prompt provided, but you also bothered to analyze the question in reference to possible solutions that you could provide. Therefore, it became evident that the person writing the essay has a somewhat advanced knowledge of the language. The person also has the ability to develop cohesive sentences, even though there may be problems with his word choices throughout the essay. These mistakes do not impede the discussion that you are presenting. Therefore, you have a very good chance of passing this particular section of the IELTS test. Try to focus more on developing your English vocabulary and practice developing simple sentences for your use in the practice tests. We need to show that your language use can increase to a point where you can score even higher in the practice tests which can translate to a higher rating in the actual test.

Writing Feedback / Our stuff is transported in various ways. Which method was the most common between 1974 and 2002? [3]

After analyzing your essay based upon the writing task 1 scoring band, I have come to the decision that the possible final score you can get for this type of writing in an actual test cannot be higher than a 5. While you managed to deliver the information that the report requires, you faced problems when it came to developing clear explanations in the later sentences. There was a redundancy in the use of the word "serial" and, there was no clear explanation as to how the word relates to the graph that you were trying to explain. This caused some difficulty for me as a reader. You should build up your ability to use various words that can be used in place of a single word. These are called synonyms. The use of these words can very well help increase your score in the future practice tests. Mostly because the use of synonyms proves that you have an adequate, if not intermediate knowledge of English words.

Writing Feedback / It is good for young people to work before going to university to enrich their skill and experience [2]

Nur, your line of reasoning in this essay is choppy. There are inconsistencies in your flow of thought and you often times do not get your message across to the reader. These problems are due to your lack of ability in terms of developing your sentences. Your grammar is weak and your sentences are limited to simple declarations which make for limited sentence structure. While your message eventually gets across to the reader, it takes the full concentration of the reader to actually begin to understand your meaning.

I am not sure if you were informed by your instructor but when developing these sorts of essay discussions, it is best to discuss one topic per paragraph in order to fully develop your support or opposition to a provided reason. In your second paragraph, you presented two reasons, which left the latter reason under developed because you ran out of space to expand upon it. As such, your line of reasoning was affected because you seemed to not have enough evidence to support the later addition in the paragraph. Had you given that line its own paragraph concentration, you would have been able to develop the reasons to support the statement better.

Your conclusion also requires more information that what you presented. An effective conclusion properly summarizes the discussion and its important points, before presenting the concluding statement. Over all, a total of 3 sentences should be seen in that section.

Graduate / Social and Cultural Processes in Architecture and Urban Design application essay [3]

Hanifati, I am thinking of how the prompt is asking you to explain how your background has prepared you for your next stage of studies. Somehow, the discussion that you present in the opening statement does not help to develop this reasoning. While you are doing best to use abstract reasoning in this essay for some reason, you have to understand that in these types of essays, where the reviewer does not have the time to ponder the meaning of what you are trying to say, you need to be direct to the point. Tell him, don' make him wonder. he doesn't have the time to figure it out. Spell out the paradox that you hope to have resolved by taking higher studies. Talk more about your experience as an architect and the influence that your line of learning or the difficulties that you came across on the job have led you to decide to pursue higher learning. At this moment, you are portraying the artistic side of your occupation. You forgot to consider the prompt requirements which are telling you to be realistic in your portrayal of your life in relation to your studies. Meaning, you should not be waxing poetic in this essay but rather, present your family background, economic circumstances, and any hindrances to your achievements as well. Basically, they are asking you for a balanced discussion of the good and the bad in your life with a presentation that relates to your desire for higher studies. I don't see that in this version of the essay.

Essays / An environment in which I grew up - could I write about my education and school? [3]

Yes, the community comprises your school, classmates, friends, organizations you volunteer to work with, and relatives. Normally for this type of essay, it is best to discuss an environment that you are very familiar with and that really has an influence on your development as a person. The usual choices for discussion range from both your parents or one of your parents whom you wish to emulate in life, your grandparents, siblings, of best friend. Any of these people truly have a direct influence on the character traits that you develop over time so they are usually the best options to discuss in this essay. As for the school, that is normally related to teachers, mentors, or anybody who works within the school system. You after school activities and where you spend the time also count as part of your community. For example, if you spend your time after school participating in the local swim team, then you can discuss how you learned about team spirit and team work from them. The communities you can discuss in this essay are only limited by your social exposure. I am sure you will find the best choice for you to discuss in your essay.

Scholarship / To be an expert in Behavioural and Experimental (B/E) Economics. Chevening - course choice question [5]

Samar, the reviewer is not interested in the process by which you chose the courses and universities that you are applying to. That is a personal decision. He is however, interested in your past academic and professional experiences that relate to this second masters degree option of yours. Therefore, you must work on improving the presentation of your past academic and professional experiences at the start of your essay. Then, at the end, present information that will convince the reviewer that your future professional goals will greatly benefit from your completed studies in any of the 3 courses you mentioned. That will not be difficult for you to accomplish since you have made it clear that you already have a previous masters degree and you are merely continuing the studies in order to achieve a higher career goal.

Scholarship / One of my goals -- Post study career plan. Chevening [4]

Good plan Firuz. However, I do not see any indication as to how you plan to utilize the information that you will be receiving during your one year masters degree studies. Please make sure that your plans will relate or show a relevance to the course that you hope to be studying. That is how you will be able to develop the necessary timeline for your project and also assess the kind of higher training that you might be needing in the future. Right now, the coverage of your essay is a bit narrow and needs to be widened based upon the benefits of the masters course that you are going to be studying. Make sure that it will tie in with your future plans. Otherwise, there may some question as to how you will benefit from the studies you wish to pursue.

Scholarship / Nottingham Trent university (business administration) [10]

Saby, please tell me that you are not considering this essay as a final format for submission. It is nowhere near ready. You don't have an opening statement that explains your past academic and professional experience in relation to the courses you have chosen. You have not indicated how studying in the UK will benefit you once you return to your home country by participating in and sharing the programs that the UK support in your country. There is no consistency in the writing. You are supposed to be writing an essay with bullet points to refer to the university name or course description. You are not supposed to use bullets to explain the reasons why you are considering enrolling in this course. Tell you what, revise the work to look more like an essay. Review the examples at this forum and try to emulate their presentation style, but not the content. The content is something that should be unique and original to you.

Graduate / 'to be an urbanist' - An application for graduate programme; looking forward to your advice [4]

If you were not provided with a prompt for the personal statement, then you can be as informative as you wish to be in writing it. For a personal statement, all you have to do is think about who you are and how you want the reviewer to get to know you. Reveal as much personal information about yourself that you will be comfortable sharing with him. Delve on your early interests that led you to the decision to apply for this major in college. Talk about your plans for your future. Consider the other application prompts you were provided with. Analyze the parts that you feel are important to your application but the other prompts don't delve on.

If there is no opening for an open topic prompt, then share the most vital information that you feel is necessary to your application in the personal statement. The information that you have shared above is more relevant towards a statement of purpose, which is different from a personal statement. The personal statement is your chance to introduce yourself to the reviewer in a manner that you may not get in a face to face interview, so take the opportunity to introduce yourself as best as you can. Talk about your positive traits, your strengths, and your weaknesses. Explain how your personality emerged from all of these factors.

Scholarship / "Be the change you wish to see in the world" A good leader is able to send out positive vibrations [7]

Jaime, your leadership skill is not really that evident in this instance. Even though you are your own Chief Executive Officer, I do not see you delegating any tasks nor influencing co-workers or your clients regarding business decisions to be made. Clear example must always be presented in this leadership essay. Normally, one depiction of a situation is sufficient enough to prove your mettle as a leader and influential figure in your office. Perhaps you have had an experience with a problem client who, say, wished to leave the bank because of some sort of dis-satisfaction regarding your investment services. How did you handle the client? What steps did you have to take in order to lead him to a decision to stay with the bank? What kind of influence did you have to use in order to make him accept your explanations regarding his investments? Try to present a solid example that does not sound like you are just explaining your job description to the reviewer. That is what is lacking in your essay.

Essays / Need help with creative hook sentence for college essay about divorced parents [4]

Brittney, you can try something like this for an opening:
Ten years ago, my mother decided to change my life. Ten years ago, without consulting me, she threw my father out of our lives.
Ten years ago, I became that friend who was being raised by a single mom. Ten years ago...
You can always start your essay by trying to deliver some sort of poetic line that will lead into the actual discussion of your essay. It is a nice way to kick off such a serious discussion and really provides an overview without having to summarize everything you have to say at the start. I think that you can add some lines regarding how you viewed the divorce ten years ago as well. Maybe use that line to introduce the actual essay to the reader as well. You have a good idea for opening your essay. I think you can do a lot more with that idea as you develop the content.

Scholarship / I'm a leader who walks my talk and paves the extra mile just to see my own ambitious plans delivered [2]

Dina, I understand how proud you are of your achievement. However, a true leader does not gloat. A true leader does not speak of his competitors in a negative light. In fact, a true leader will not speak of his competitors and their misfortunes or their imitation of his company style at all. A true leader, is humble and magnanimous in victory. I am sad to say that your whole essay does not speak of the true leadership traits that would be considered properly impressive by the reviewer.

Your whole attitude in the essay is quite disturbing. Your skill was not really leadership but delegation of tasks. There was not even an instance when it seemed like you inspired your team to work with you. For example, how did Omar develop that idea that he suggested? What was the work situation at that time? How were you reacting as a leader? Did you have any positive influencing skills that you can speak of at that time? I don't get a semblance of you leading by example in this essay at all. I am sorry to speak this way but this is the opinion that I believe, immediately comes across in your paper. My belief is that a new essay is called for. One that reaches out to the reviewer in a more humble tone.

Scholarship / I consider myself in the right way to become a good leader and influencer. Chevening Leadership [2]

Livia, I like the approach that you took with this essay. By showing the reviewer that you learned from your failures as a leader, you were able to improve yourself once you came into a higher leadership position. The problem I can see, is that the paragraph about your work with the NGO's is not as strong as your failed leadership discussion. Try to further develop your influencing skills in that paragraph. Show the marked difference between your past leadership experience and your success this time around. Start by explaining why you felt that you need to implement changes at the office. What was the situation when you came in? Why was your leadership needed to fix the problem? What specific solutions did you implement aside from opening discussions with the employees? You need to prove that the situation was dire and that your leadership had the most positive effect on the problem you were trying to resolve. The essay needs specific examples. What you have provided is just an overview. So you need to build up the presentation to better meet the prompt requirements.

Writing Feedback / How to write an descriptive report on designing an recipe for an low income family [2]

Amanda, let us first address the formatting problems of your essay. When you introduce the family, devote one paragraph per family member in the description. The reason you have to divide the description is because each family member has a specific health consideration. In order for the reader to properly assess / understand that health concerns of the person. By separating the descriptions, you will allow the reader to connect the specific illness with the specific family member. When you discuss the members in this single paragraph format, the tendency will be to overwhelm the reader with information, causing him to forget what it is you are trying to say.

Try to avoid redundancies in your essay. By using the paragraph per family member format, you will only need to mention the age of the person once, at the beginning of the paragraph. That way the reader manages to focus solely on the issue of importance. The same advice applies to the presentation of the food requirements. Connect the diet specifically and separately per person. That will allow for a clarification of the meal requirements of each person and why the meal requirements are set up that way.

To recap the format of your essay per paragraph should be:
1. Family member description
2. Health concerns
3. Meal plan

Using this format, the essay gains a sense of clarity, continuity, and understanding on the part of the reader. You are also given more room to discuss the important aspects of the essay as a separate paragraph as well.

Scholarship / It took me to realize that it is people that I want to be an expert at. Chevening 5 year career plan [2]

Samar, though the fill in the blanks makes it a bit hard to maintain the flow of thought in the essay, I get where you are coming from. I was surprised to read your essay and then discover that the plans you have outlined are not even part of your 3-5 year career plan. So exactly how long are we talking about in the enactment of your aforementioned plans? Normally, the career plan that you present should cover at least 5 years. Since that is not the case with your response are we talking a matter of months here? Try to quantify your response so that the reviewer will have a clear idea as to the length of time that you will be able to use the knowledge you will be getting over the course of one year. Your plans for higher studies don't really need to be mentioned here since that will require a different scholarship grant for you to achieve. So just stick to the immediate 5 year plan of action in relation to your chosen course.

Research Papers / The Most Costly Bowl of Soup in the World - Peer Review My Essay about Shark Finning [2]

Tom, the essay covers a good topic. However, I find it wanting in some aspects of information. For example. when you speak of the effect of the declining shark population on the ocean environment, the research indicates its impact on the marine life. But the stronger impact of the information, would be if you can prove a direct connection between the human environment and the existence of sharks.

Keep in mind that people are not directly affected by the declining shark population as they view these types of fish as a danger to humans and as such, can very well be eradicated from the face of the planet. Hey, you should add something about that mindset in your essay. Explain how the way the shark is perceived by humans had a direct bearing on their decline and that shark finning is a direct result of that belief.

By the way, aren't you allowed to form your own opinion in the essay? I read a lot about what other people think and what they have done but I have not read anything about your personal opinion or your suggestions as to how finning can be controlled or stopped. Shouldn't that information be located somewhere towards your concluding paragraph ?

Scholarship / Delivering a knowledge of Drug discovery, seeking for PhD research. Career Plan essay for Chevening [2]

Yousif, you must make a connection between your first course choice and your career plan. After all, that is the reason why you are applying for this scholarship. You surely have a career focus in mind based upon your chosen 3 majors right? So which of those three is your priority and why? That is what you should be presenting in this essay. The "Why" pertains to the career plan after you graduate. I don't really get a sense that you will be using the information you will be learning to help you advance your career. Instead, I am being presented with more study plans in aid of drug discoveries. Perhaps you can better focus your career plan on how you plan to use the information you gained during your year of study first. That way you can at least show the reviewer that you are not what is known as "a professional student" who uses scholarships and research grants to survive financially. These sorts of students, who actively pursue one scholarship after another in order to gain financial benefits are frowned upon and right now, because your response centers around drug discoveries and future studies, such a misconception may occur while reviewing your essay.

Research Papers / Attention-Deficit Hyperactive Disorder. Rough Draft on ADHD in Children [3]

Dyllan, academic rules dictate that your opening statement should never contain any sort of citation. That is because the opening statement or first paragraph in a research paper is supposed to contain an introduction to your thesis and an overview of the following discussion. Those sorts of information do not need to be quoted yet. I understand that this is just a draft but I feel that you should be reminded of it early on. By the way, what is the thesis statement of your research? You need to develop one in order to give a focus to the information you are sharing. As of this moment, this seems to be just a complete introduction of the illness and some studies about it. Is that what you are aiming for? Also, when you mention Ozmen, make sure to give a complete overview of her study and its results before you get into the specifics of how she performed the experiment.

Scholarship / A gift which changed my everyday life: the laptop; Chevening - your chosen three university courses [7]

Marie, your chosen courses and the reasons why you chose to study them are relevant when it comes to your career progression. It offers the reviewer a clear idea as to what your future career paths may be and also allows them to better understand the reasons behind your interest in your chosen college major. So you have developed a pretty solid argument in support of your choices. However, you have not qualified how the UK has supported the telecommunication development program in your country. I am positive that the UK has done their best to assist your government in alleviating these concerns in particular for the citizens of Rwanda. Therefore, as the prompt instructs, you must find that relationship, present an example of the project, and indicate that the project is one of the reasons that you wish to study in the UK. More specifically, that you wish to work with this particular company or in this particular field upon your return so that you can help foster UK-Rwanda relations in your mother country.

Scholarship / "The currency of real networking is not greed but generosity" - Networking; Chevening Scholarships [2]

Nadia, your networking skills are not clearly outlined in this essay. The fact that you got your job by chance through a text message does not prove you know how to network. Neither does the mere mention of you actively participating in seminars and training programs. These are indeed, networking activities. However, you do not classify how you use the activities to broaden your circle. I would advice you to consider presenting clearer examples of your networking skills. One method that you can do this by is if you would depict an incident in your professional life that had you scrambling to find contacts in other areas in order to enact a solution to your problem. The essay is very specific regarding the need for provided examples with regard to your networking skills. I suggest you use that opening as best as you can.

The start of your essay sounds more like you are offering personal definitions regarding the meaning of networking rather than aiming to show its importance in terms of one's completion of his work tasks, which should have been done by example rather than descriptive words. The conclusion has a strong message and your ideas as to how to share your future network is solid and useful to all the parties concerned. So you don't have a problem with the concluding aspect. It is just the first part of the essay that needs more work.

Scholarship / I was graduated from University of Indonesia majoring Occupational Health and Safety [6]

Debby, while you have presented the reasons why you wish to study the course, you need to justify the relevance of the course to your current professional or academic achievements. In other words, how will the course help you in the completion of your work tasks? Each course that you chose has a specific concentration when it comes to its application of your job, give an example of why you believe that you should be knowledgeable about this course. For example, you can cite any shortcomings in the OSH program of your country in relation to the major. This will give an idea as to how you will use the course in the future. Don't worry, it won't overlap with the post study career plan. You also need to develop a proper conclusion for the essay. For that part, you can mention some of the obvious connections between OSH in the UK and your country. You already said that the UK has a solid reputation in this field, so look for the OSH projects they are promoting in your country and mention how your higher education can help promote their programs while also helping your country develop a safer work environment.

Scholarship / Chevening Essay - Architecture Student (assess if the essay is correctly answering the brief) [3]

Ignatius, is there any chance that you have a more professional example of your leadership and influencing skills? These experiences are too academic in nature to be applicable in the real world and workplace. Due to the amateurish take on leadership and influencing that you are presenting, I am totally unsure as to whether this will be a good essay to present to the reviewer. He will have reviewed leadership essays of people who helped end an Ebola crisis in their country, helped rebuild phone networks, built bridges for the benefit of communities, and other similar acts of leadership and influencing. As you can probably see from the examples of the other essays here for the same scholarship, you will be in for some very stiff competition. So you should set your sights on developing an essay that will allow you to compete with them. Try to improve on the content of this essay. Be more profession based if you can. It is important that your essay follow in the same vein as the examples of the other applicants here. Otherwise, you will not be in the running for the grant.

Scholarship / Chevening Application - Leadership - Ebola Response [5]

Your essay can do without the first paragraph. These early impressions of your leadership are not really effective in delivering the idea that you would go on to become an effective leader and influencer in your field. I suggest that you just move directly to the Ebola story since that is where your leadership and influencing mettle was truly tested. By the way, your leadership skills were quite notable, but short on the influencing part. Any chance you can insert something that exemplifies your ability to inspire in the face of danger and lack of upper management leadership? I bet you can do it. Aside from those suggestions, the rest of the essay is alright in my opinion.