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Naval Academy Admissions Essay, need another set of eyes to see what I may not have!


js7991 1 / -  
Oct 16, 2016   #1
Hey everyone. I am applying to Naval Academy for the second time and trying to make my application better than my last. One area I could improve was my essay. Please take a look and let me know what you think!

Prompt:

In a well-organized essay 300-500 words please discuss the following:
1. Describe what led to your initial interest in the Naval service and how the Naval Academy will help you achieve your long-range goals, and
2. Describe a personal experience you have had which you feel has contributed to your own character development and integrity.


In sixth grade my parents bought me a book that would change my life. Titled "Lone Survivor", the true story followed Operation Red Wing, in which many brave Navy SEALs and other military members lost their lives when an operation in the mountains of Afghanistan took a turn for the worst. My parents had no idea that they would be instilling in me a life-long desire to serve my country and a deep appreciation for the military as a whole, but Marcus Luttrel's story was the spark that ignited my future aspirations. Throughout my childhood I found myself consistently involved in things related to the Navy. Whether it be at the local Battleship Cove, or tagging along on business trips with my dad to San Diego to see things like the USS Midway or Coronado, my early life seemed to have a Navy career written all over it. It was only logical that I would eventually visit the Naval Academy my sophomore year and know that I found my dream school.

I have many aspirations. I dream of designing new technologies to improve our way of life. I dream of becoming a scientist or an engineer to be a part of some of the most cutting edge research our country has seen. Most of all, I dream of using my education to make a positive change in the world, in whatever way I can. The Naval Academy will not only allow me to receive an outstanding STEM education, but it will afford me the opportunity to do tremendous things with that education. Upon graduation and entering the fleet, the possibilities are boundless. To quote the Chief of Naval Research, Rear Admiral Mathias Winter, "The Navy we know today - with autonomous systems, nuclear powered ships, and supersonic aircraft - has evolved over time." Driven by educated and highly driven individuals, the Navy has developed some of the world's most advanced technology, and I aspire to see this progress continue.

Before moving on to their careers in the fleet, midshipmen must first learn to idealize the Navy's core values of honor, courage, and commitment. Every one of us has faced situations where our morals were challenged. When I was the leading petty officer of my division of the Sea Cadets, one of the cadets was diagnosed with Down Syndrome. My superiors almost never treated him with the respect that he deserved, and I could not stand to see the way he was treated. So I decided to act on my own. I began to give him various leadership roles and ensure that he was involved in everything the division did. When I left the division my senior year, the cadet's parents thanked me personally for everything I had done for him, and it was an experience I will never forget. Part of the Academy's mission is to develop midshipmen morally, and while each candidate brings their own experiences to the table, the Academy will build on them to develop a well-rounded naval officer.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,830 4781  
Oct 17, 2016   #2
Hi Josh, I feel that your essay is both good and bad in the sense that it clearly responds to the second prompt but does not accurately portray how the navy can help you achieve your long term goals. Your response to the first prompt is really quite vague and long winded. I believe that this particular section of your essay can do with a little more extra work. For example, rather than vaguely telling the reader about the opportunities that the navy offers a graduate or a student, explain certain interests that you have which will have a chance of growing or being enhanced by your studies at the naval academy. The idea is to show them that you have a clear career path in mind, using their in-house educational system. That way, you can truly represent your ideas and how the naval academy education seamlessly integrates into those plans to make them a reality.


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