Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by Sneedae [Suspended]
Name: Aubrey
Joined: Dec 16, 2016
Last Post: Dec 16, 2016
Threads: 1
Posts: 3  
From: United States
School: New Covenant

Displayed posts: 4
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Sneedae   
Dec 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / TOPIC OF AN ORIGINAL ARTICLE I AM WRITING ON: THE CAREER WOMAN [5]

Firstly your title is okay, but it is not necessarily eye catching as most articles try to be. Maybe try something like "The career woman, economic inequality's rival." Try to tease it out a bit more.

Your statistic and logic is sound, but your authority is undermined by your over use of personal pronouns and "like" phrases. "We" provides emphasis and is used perfectly in your conclusion but try and take yourself out of the essay, no matter how personal you may feel to your topic. You passion can be seen without you telling us that you are passionate.

Overall a good start!
Sneedae   
Dec 16, 2016
Undergraduate / "How cupcakes helped me grow" - UVA prompt [2]

Describe one of your quirks and why it is important to you.

Due January 1, a very rough draft.

Recipes are strict, as they require precision, but what isn't written and must be understood is that they also require a purpose. The best kinds of foods are those that are baked with intentions, it is why homemade meals are so beloved. I remember when I was 11 riding my bike down the street to make cupcakes with my friend. Truth is we baked because we enjoyed it. As one would imagine the "gifts" of our pastime that we bestowed upon relatives was subpar at best. Six years later, I can be seen driving down the same street to bake another batch cupcakes, but for a different purpose entirely. I have an overwhelming desire to improve the lives of those closest to me. When school becomes chaotic or friend is feeling down sugar can be the best medicine. Baking for is cathartic, it allows me the opportunity to take a break away from my studies and express my stressful feelings. It is not enough for me to enjoy my creations, as I found out it gives me more pleasure share my joy with others. Over the past six years I have made countless amounts of cupcakes, usually for holidays or for a stress relief during exam time, but now I bake to help sweeten up others lives.
Sneedae   
Dec 16, 2016
Undergraduate / Essay for Undergraduate Admission Application: "A Break Up to Remember" [6]

The best part about your essay is when you are not talking about your breakup. I feel as if you have more to offer, better stories to tell, than you everyday highschool breakup story. Talk more about your accomplishments and how they changed your life, not a girl who did so.
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