Essay for Undergraduate Admission Application: "A Break Up to Remember"

Hello there! I'm a new member of this forum and am in need of your help. In a few days, I have to submit an essay to one of my target universities. Please kindly provide feedback and corrections as much you please. Also, if you that think my essay might have strayed a little off topic, please tell me XD Thank you in advance!

This section is an opportunity for you to elaborate on the information you have provided earlier. You may wish to discuss a special talent, a personal experience or an activity that you have been involved in that is of relevance to the course that you are applying for at the university.

As there is only limited space (2000 characters), you are encouraged to present your ideas in focused and thoughtful manner.

It was near the end of the year 2014, just a few days before Christmas. I sat on my bed, anxiously waiting for a response from my then girlfriend. It wasn't long until it arrived - the thing we millennial lovebirds dread the most - the breakup text. It struck me harder than a truck hitting a kangaroo in the middle of the Australian outback. For the first time in my life, I was coerced into self-introspection. For days, I could not stop thinking about what I had, had not, and could have done to have preserved the relationship. But then, something else struck me, and this time it was more like a slap to the face; an epiphany.

All I'd ever done up to that point in my life were dreaming without doing, asking without seeking, continuously asking "what if?" when I should have been asking "why not?". For too long I had stayed comfortably tucked in my comfort zone, it was time for a change. And on New Year's Eve, I made myself a promise; to make 2015 MY year, the year I finally make a name of myself.

This self-given task of mine proved daunting at first, for I didn't know where to start. But it didn't take long for me to find my way.

Concertmaster of my local ensemble, president of my school's student council, winning various academic and non-academic competitions, the list goes on. I was surprised with what I had achieved in such a short period of time, but like Lindt's 70% dark chocolate, it wasn't all sweet. A lot of my endeavors were met with failure, and for someone who's trying to figure out his place in the world, it was hard. But I learnt to not be drowned in constant self-pity; I picked myself up and went for it again, always keeping my goal in mind.

And now, reaching the end of 2016, I face a new endeavor, a challenge I have yet to overcome; university admissions. I hope through this essay you now have an idea about who I am, and have gained an insight to my personality. I believe, through my experiences, I will add a unique perspective to campus life in *****.

Your Topic is "a break up to remember" and then it looks like the whole story related to the topic was only in your first paragraph.

You should try to tell what the breakup as changed about ur life. What is has made you to understand about life.

I hope this will help

It was near the end of the year 2014, just a few days before Christmas.
... a response from my then- girlfriend.

The grammar is fine for the rest of the essay. However, you might want to make the connection between the breakup text and the epiphany more clear. At the end, you could round back to the breakup text and attribute your new success to the awakening the text causes. Also, you should always tie your essay topics in with the opportunities offered at the school you're applying to. The essay right now only explains your past and doesn't give the reader a view of how you could productively contribute to the school.

James, I am unclear about how your relationship with your girlfriend works with the rest of the story. It seemed like such an integral part of your narration at the start, but then fell to the wayside as the essay progressed. I am not sure about how the breakup thoughts led to an epiphany that you should take charge of your life. Was this because you wished to show your girlfriend that you could do more? Did she expect something from you in the relationship that you did not deliver but could deliver if only you pursued these avenues long before she decided to break up with you? The point is this. If the break-up is the focal point of the essay, then it should serve a purpose in the succeeding paragraphs of the essay. It should be that reason in the back of your mind that had you saying "I have to prove this to her." or something like that. Without it, there is no reason for you to mention the break up as you could have come to that conclusion regarding needing to perform in your life using some other manner.

The best part about your essay is when you are not talking about your breakup. I feel as if you have more to offer, better stories to tell, than you everyday highschool breakup story. Talk more about your accomplishments and how they changed your life, not a girl who did so.

Admission Essays are supposed to show who you are. You are just describing the event and girlfriend here. What you need to focus is to explain a little bit about event and include how that changed your life. In the above essay, it doesn't really explain what effect the breakup had on your life and how it changed you or made you better person.