Undergraduate / Boston College Supplemental Essay- Physics is a part of me! [9]

Hello again! Thank you all for your honest feedback. I believe I fixed up my essay for the prompt, but doing so made my word count exceed to about 480 words. Besides that, here is my fixed essay for the prompt:

I peeked once more through the blinds, holding them open with my thumb and index finger. Gazing out onto the eastern horizon blanketed with the emanating luster of the constellations, I would enjoy looking at them and learning something new about them. My brain probably felt into a turbulence or something, but as I looked at the constellations I asked myself, "What if our solar system had formed farther from the center of the Milky Way?"

I have been absorbing scientific ideas from general cosmology that I have been researching to raise questions about our universe. At first, I thought figuring out the solution to what would happen would be simple since our lives would be somewhat similar to the standard position of our solar system. I was still unconvinced. Unfortunately, I barely received plausible explanations of the major question from my teachers and classmates who I trust. However, I felt determined to get a valid hypothesis.

After careful examination, I come to an original theory that the "edge" is rather difficult to define for the Milky Way. Stars occur more infrequently, but there is a "halo" of sorts stretching extremely far out. It is not like a dinner plate where half a millimeter beyond the edge there is no more dinner plate. But rather like our atmosphere where 10-kilometers from the Earth's surface there is a far too little atmosphere to breathe but there are many molecules and even clouds.

After that conclusion, I came across a "colleague" Jake at school who gave me a different approach. After tons of research with him, my knowledge expanded beyond this casual level into a realm where physics and cosmology found beautiful, synergistic intersections. I was determined to apply what I had learned and got to work.

We came to another approach that even though the new position at the edge of the galaxy gives our planet only approximately ⅓ of the metallic elements, it's still plenty to support life on Earth. However, lower metallicity means that gas-giants like Big Brother Jupiter would be put to doom, which can increase the Earth's vulnerability of nearby asteroids and such since there is no gravity from them to protect us. Also, we theorized that planets like Jupiter also provided us with ice-containing asteroids millions of years ago, which gave us our oceans. Therefore, where we are positioned now is safer than at the edge of the milky way.

What began as a seemingly dubious idea fed my passion for astrophysics. This project not only allowed me to apply isolated academic principles I had studied practically, but it also pushed me to traverse multiple situations to solve problems creatively. Overall, I believe that this experiment and Boston College are my positive deceleration parameter that can accelerate my dreams as an astrophysicist into a reality as picturesque as the constellations in the sky.

I would be totally appreciative if I receive some feedback for this one. Thank you all