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Posts by garibari
Name: Gari
Joined: Dec 24, 2016
Last Post: Jan 12, 2017
Threads: 2
Posts: 8  
From: United States of America
School: Central Dauphin High School

Displayed posts: 10
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garibari   
Dec 24, 2016
Undergraduate / Lehigh Supplement Essay -- Igloo Architecture? [6]

Worried that my essay is not serious enough.

Prompt is: What do you and Lehigh have in common?

Igloo Architecture



I can tell that it's snowing by the way light reflects through my half-opened blinds and spills onto my bedroom ceiling. Blinking the sleep from my eyes, I tumble out of bed and stumble towards my window. Fumbling with the blinds, I peek through to see if my intuition is correct. I have to bite my lip to contain the giggle rising up in my chest. Snowflakes swirl through the streets and cover my front yard in a smooth blanket. Invigorated with my discovery, I race to pull on my winter clothes. Fully dressed, I gallop down the stairs and burst out into the white sunlight, a huge smile stretched across my face. Just like Lehigh, I can't wait to be covered with snow.

Just like Lehigh, I'm passionate about so many activities, and I can't wait to discover other passions at Lehigh. Construction is one of the passion I've discovered, whether it be by constructing model rockets, creating experimental groups in Biology, or building doll houses out of plywood. However, my favorite activity is building igloos. I've noticed that Lehigh also has a active igloo scene. One of the igloos built by Lehigh students even had lights installed! Now, that's creative designing that I aspire to achieve in the next four years.

A well-structured igloo cannot be built without a solid foundation. Igloos, like many talents in life, need to be built from the bottom up. Gaining experience can be frustrating, because it's not fun to be bad. Sometimes, when I'm practicing a new clarinet solo, or trying to master a new math concept, I become irritated with my lack of ability. However, the only path forward is through work, and failure must be treated as another opportunity to learn, a way of thinking that Lehigh accepts with open arms. When igloos cave in, I just build them back up again. Lehigh's promise to create a solid foundation through flexible undergraduate education attracts me because just like with igloos, sometimes you have to use pieces from the past to build a future you didn't expect.
garibari   
Jan 4, 2017
Undergraduate / Baseball and my grandfather matters to me. [3]

"I love to witness a double play."

"I get up from my seat to celebrate a stolen base."

Could be rewritten to create a stronger image. Maybe:

"Stolen bases invigorate me to the point where I spill my popcorn." Something like that

"But what I most love"

Should read "But what I love most "

"Baseball allowed me to create a strong connection with my grandfather."

"Until one day, he surprisedme celebrating a"

It looks like you're missing a word between "me" and "celebrating".

"A talent always comes with a responsibility",

You'll want to put the comma before the quotation mark. Also, quite comparable to "with great power comes great responsibility"

What matters to you?: Baseball
Why: Because of my grandfather

I'm not sure whether or not your last paragraph is necessary. The prompt does not ask for any information about what you speak about there but... meh. In my opinion, it takes focus away from the relationship between you and your grandfather by introducing the mathematics topic. I'm sure someone will rebuke me.
garibari   
Jan 7, 2017
Undergraduate / He who does not know where he is coming from will never get to his destination. [3]

First, in its current form, your last paragraph has no connection with the prompt, other than every student at Harvey Mudd has a different background. However, this essay isn't about diversity at Harvey Mudd; it's about you!

I recommend clearly stating what kind of problem you wish to solve in your introductory paragraph so that admissions does not need to comb over your essay for a straight-forward answer.

From what I gathered from your answer, you wish to help solve financial troubles of students. This is because you faced financial strain as a student.

"Notwithstanding the economic hardship, I was never relentless in my studies"

I think you meant to say "nevertheless relentless"? not "never relentless"... that would be bad...

"although I never received support of any sort during my early stages of my education."

That part of the sentence reads like you're trying to make admissions feel bad for you, which isn't good. Also, you said that you went to a private Catholic school for primary school, so you did receive support, didn't you? It reads as a contradiction.

Overall, your essay needs more information about the problems that you wish to solve, and perhaps the steps that you have taken to solve them. Explain your foundation in more detail.
garibari   
Jan 7, 2017
Scholarship / Bucknell University Scholarship for Creative Writing - Ray Bucknell! [7]

Please answer both of the following questions. Why are you interested in the Creative Writing program? What skills or interests would you offer Bucknell's writing community? (Max 2000 characters) (1994 characters used) (You might have noticed I ran out of characters to write a good conclusion).

Creative Writing program connections in the Department



Bucknell's Creative Writing program is unique in its opportunities, which is why I am eager to enroll. I'm ready to challenge myself with a degree in a field I am passionate in.

To begin, I am interested in the program because of its connections with other concentrations in the Department. As a student who is interested in poetry, fiction, and screen-writing, I am pleased that CW majors can also minor in Film and Media Studies. The flexibility of the program and the various classes offered in the concentration also pique my interest. Notably, the class "Special Topic in Creative Writing" interests me because of my fascination with the theories and structural elements behind writing. I am also interested in the class "Writing Nature" because creating vivid scenes through imagery is one of my favorite pastimes as a writer. However, the courses offered in the program are not the only reason I wish to attend.

Bucknell's CW program teaches more than just writing, which I admire. Valuable skills like critical thinking, empathy, and creativity are taught as well. Internships (like with the Division of Communications) are also available on campus. The readings available at the Stadler Center for Poetry interest me as well. Overall, Bucknell CW offers a small community that matches me perfectly as a writer and student. As such, I am eager to offer my personal skills to Bucknell's writing community.

As a poet, I am interested in poems with form and using unconventional structure to vary my work. As a fiction writer, I enjoy using intense imagery to transport my readers into the story, and I enjoy writing about interactions between people. I've also written multiple one-act-plays, both for children and adults, that have been featured at events at my school. Finally, as the editor-in-chief of my school's literary magazine, I am skilled in editing and communication, which I use to help others improve.

So 'Ray Bucknell! 'Ray Bucknell's Creative Writing program!
garibari   
Jan 10, 2017
Scholarship / Bucknell University Scholarship for Creative Writing - Ray Bucknell! [7]

@Holt
I found a magazine entitled "Fire and Ice," but it's past was spotty. (the website I found was last updated five years ago, and the Facebook page was last updated two years ago). Anyway, after your comment, I think I'll include it anyway.

Blue is the stuff I kept the same.

Bucknell's Creative Writing program is unique ...

To begin, I am interested in the program because [....] scenes through imagery is one of my favorite pastimes as a writer.
However, beyond the classroom, I wish to further submerge myself in Bucknell's writing community through participation in various clubs and events.

Because of my positive experience in working as the editor-in-chief for my high school's literary magazine, I hope to join the staff of the "Fire and Ice" at Bucknell, in addition to submitting works to the magazine. Furthermore, due to my liking of both reading and writing poetry, I anticipate that I will participate in literary events like Poem in Your Pocket Day. At Poetry Slams, I am eager to share my current and future poetry. In regards to my interest in screen-writing, I plan to become a member of Cap and Dagger to be involved with and help promote the theatre community at Bucknell. While my work in the organization will be done backstage, the experience will still help me fine-tune my screen-writing capabilities in hopes that I may be able to direct one of my own plays on stage. Bucknell's writing community is multi-faceted, as is my interest in the subject. As such, I wish to offer as much to the Bucknell writing community as the Bucknell writing community can offer to me.

Thanks
garibari   
Jan 10, 2017
Research Papers / Different forms of Diabetes Mellitus that a person can be affected by. [3]

@shamus7555

Can I ask what type of assignment this is so I can help you out more?

Try to avoid using words like "you" and "your" in your essays. Overall, you have problems with wordiness, formality, and overall, the structure of your essay. However, the information is there! More can always be added, though! When typing numbers, write out the word, don't just use the character. When introducing an acronym, add it after the word that you are shortening i.e. "Diabetes Mellitus (DM) is a manageable and curable condition"

Your parallel structure needs work.

Mostly, everything is there, but nearly every sentence can be worded better than it is in its current state. For example:

"Diabetes Mellitus is (...) condition, in which you can combat with medication." change to "that can be combated with medicine"

"Type 1 diabetes is where your body is not providing ... " change to

"Type 1 diabetes occurs when the pancreas does not create enough insulin to match a body's demands."
garibari   
Jan 10, 2017
Writing Feedback / How to write an essay about TV-watching habits? [5]

The question is not whether or not children should stop watching television, but if they watch TOO MUCH. Through your essay, you seem to err on the side that they watch too much television. However, your concluding sentence reads like you misunderstood the prompt.

I agree with @catnguyen181

Statements don't mean anything if you don't back it up with facts. Cut down wordiness so you have more space to back up what you're saying. Anyone can make points. Not everyone can back them up. Make your point clear in the first paragraph, and then conclude strongly.

Change second paragraph. "While tv can be used to educate through documentaries and the news, it can also distract children from their education. Most children...." into third paragraph. "Studies also show that children who spend too much time watching tv are prone to become overweight. Due to today's obesity problems, this is a huge problem."

Something like that. Think about it, then cut. There's a lot of fluff in here that is not necessary, like the stuff I just pointed out.
garibari   
Jan 12, 2017
Scholarship / Bucknell University Scholarship for Creative Writing - Ray Bucknell! [7]

After searching through tons of Bucknellian archives and Linkedin pages, I found references to Fire & Ice dating from fall of 2016. Also, they updated their bylaws in March of last year, and from reading them, it sounded like they were planning for the future. So, while I'm still not sure, I'm going to include both magazines just to be safe. Anyway, thanks for the edits. They were greatly appreciated. @Holt
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